Tuesday, April 28

Tea, for Two

You know what really pisses me off? (I know what you're thinking, I'm not all that prone to actually, truly getting pissed off, but I swear it, this really does the trick.) You know what really steps up to the handle and takes a big ol' turn on Sunny's crank of ire? You know what makes me want to reach through my computer screen and ring some scrawny little necks?


That's right, tea.

I should restate. People who drink tea.

That's not completely accurate, either. People who tell me they drink tea. (I think we have a winner.)

See, the thing is, most sane and logical people just don't bring their choice of beverage into everyday conversation. There's really no need. If I'm with you, most likely I know what you're drinking. If I'm reading your blog, I don't give a shit. If I'm reading your blog and you bring your beverage into every conversation you have at me.. well, I probably don't read your blog. Seriously. It's that simple. I've got more pressing things to read about. Like Julia and her computer problem, or monkey hats. They are genuinely hilarious, fun, and highly intelligent primates. They are also highly classy people, and they didn't have to tell me they drink tea for me to figure that out! I just knew! From their writing!

Now, it may seem like I'm picking on one beverage over another here, but there is a method to my madness. Tea is fucking pretentious. I'm sorry to tell you this, but tea is fucking pretentious. You know how I can tell? Look at yourself in a mirror and say the word out loud. Notice how your face has to actually make a condescending smile when you say it? Say it again. "Tea." Freeze your face after you say it, and really study yourself. See it now? This is why it's fucking pretentious.

There are beverages you can tell me about on your blogs. Heck, there's even a few I want to know about! Posting drunk? Please please tell me what you're drinking! I want to know! I want to join you! Posting about your jittery paranoia? It's ok! You can tell me you're on your 6th cup of joe! It clues me in to your state of mind. Tea, on the other hand, is for pussies.

People in England can drink tea. People in China can drink tea. You know what though? THEY DON'T FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT ALL DAY. Here in the americas, there is an unspoken idea floating around that Anything British is Automatically Classy. (This is not so. Have you seen their teeth? Not classy.)

For a long time in the US, people weren't very much into the british. We were busy starting our own country and killing off all those pesky indians. Ever since things have settled down on the exploring and the killing indians fronts, people started thinking that our friends from across the pond are pretty nifty. We love everything the british throw our way, seriously. Look at Ozzy. My point is that we seem to have a big old crush on the British Islands. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and some people have taken this a bit too far. With the tea.

I first noticed this phenomenon in high school. Lisa and I noticed many pretentious things going on in high school, because half of the people we hung out with were insane, and the other half thought that they were british. It was a confusing time for them. We had one friend in particular who was both. April used to walk around school, flipping her hair in our faces, fluttering her eyelids as she looked down her nose at us while she trilled on and on about her tea. (Then she went to Ireland for six months and came back speaking in a brogue for.. well, I can't say she ever stopped.)

I want all you people to listen up, and listen good. Cool British People don't talk about drinking tea all day long - they just do it. They are so incredibly cool, they don't have to mention their beverage choices. EVER. Please, take pity on the rest of us, and stop talking about your fucking pretentious tea already. Its not making you cool. Its not making you classy. Its making me sick.

Also, teabags are gross.