Sadinex?

I have a hard time letting myself feel sad. Right now, I'm lonely fit to bust and tears are squeezing out no matter how much I tell myself that I am Not Crying and it just isn't healthy. I know it. I can't seem to help it.

The sad festers inside while I squelch it down, try to stamp it out. It doesn't go out, and sometimes it fights back and reaches the top again and spills out my eyes for a while and fills my head with nonsense about being unloved. Takes away all of my hopefullness. Reassures me that this, this lonely - this pointlessness - is what I'm going to be. What was meant to be for me.

Part of me knows that I should just let my body be sad, let it be missing what it had for a while. Let it fully take over and get the miserable out of its system but if I do that, what are the guarantees that the sadness will let the happy back in? Maybe the sadness will like the view, cozy up near the fire and dig in its claws. There is no Mucinex for the sadness.

I tried calling him tonight, just because I haven't talked to him in a long time, and miss him. Part of my price for (what? what did I get?) all this being miserable was my best friend, and that really hurts.

Wouldn't it be better to still have... something? Everything is lost to me tonight, and I am lost too.

I don't want to be here and I don't have the means to be any other place. I am cold and I want to be warm. I am all by myself.

Anxiety

I've been having a lot of it lately. There's no real reason for it, and I know that, so why does it continue? The past week-plus has been riddled with it.

I used to get nervous, but that wasn't quite the same thing. This anxiety brings with it a whole new inability to make sense when I talk. A new sense of everything I've ever said being stupid descends upon me.

Life is strange right now, because at the same time, I'm feeling more connected to everything. More interested in taking pictures and recording things than I have in a long time. I want to share. None of this has been coming across in my conversations, though. It's like the more I'm opening up, the less I'm capable of expressing what's on my mind. It's all very frustrating. I can't take me anywhere anymore. I may have been on the brink of crying tonight.

There may have been a few tears shed, actually. How embarrassing.

The walks have been going nicely. Huck is learning how to walk at my side instead of pulling at the leash, and he (shockingly) only needed two demonstrations to realize what I meant when I said, "Heel."

Crazy?

Sunny: are you as excited as i am about losing an hour of sleep tonight?


Lisa: ?


Sunny: what with the Spring Forward?


Lisa: i didn't know it was yet
now i am


Sunny: i'm sure you'll be reminded plenty at work


Lisa: luckily i'm off tomorrow so there's no chance of it making me show up at the wrong time


Sunny: are you kidding? I'm worried about Monday already


Lisa: lol
yeah, i think (i hope) i'll have the whole time change thing under control after a day of it
you know, asking everyone what time it REALLY is...checking all the clocks
setting 5 alarms...just in case
oh wait!
i think i'm off monday, too, so I'll have two days to prepare


Sunny: checking and rechecking your phone to make sure it says the right time


Lisa: i like to check back and forth from the phone and the computer
then call time and temp a few times


Sunny: oh, yeah, that's a good one


Lisa: tune into the news to make sure they make mention of a time change and i wasn't wrong about the date of its occurrence


Sunny: you really freaked me out by not realizing it was today
now i'm worried i've got it wrong


Lisa: no kidding
thank pete you said something
seriously


Sunny: like everyone is trying to trick me or something


Lisa: i've heard nothing about it until now
and todd didn't know either


Sunny: GAH


Lisa: now i'm scared


Sunny: your whole HOUSE wouldn't have known!!!

Picture Disks

I just spent the last three hours burning all of the pictures I have on this computer to disk.  (Well, all but the last three months or so.  Those six pictures are still at risk.)  I was having panic attacks about losing all of that visual history, and I'm glad its been taken care of now.  I'm relieved.

Or I will be, when I get it through my thick skull that it's all safe.  Now I'm debating taking them off of my computer.  Would that just be stupid?  It'd free up so much space!  But what if I lose these disks?  Or they get scratched?

I don't know.  Part of me always wants to simplify, and I think, "I've already got them somewhere.  Why do I need them everywhere, taking up space?" and then I think, "BUT OMG WHAT IF THEY DISAPPEAR???"  I think I'll probably keep them on here.  Paranoid-brain is a real life-sucker, you know?

Rough Day?

Today is my "long day" at work. I leave the house around 7:30 and get back at 7:45. I'm getting used to it, and there's really no reason it should stress me out the way it does. I'm getting better, though. Last month, I worried about getting enough sleep on Sunday night all weekend long. Yesterday, I worried about it off and on from 3:30 until bedtime. Sigh. See? It's getting better.

I'm going to try to wean myself off of gas station cappuccino. It can't be good for me. But you see, there's a gas station right on my drive to work, and I always leave too early like a paranoid worrier and end up realizing I've got some time to kill just as I pass that place. Plus, it's good and I am weak.

We'll see how that goes, too. Lisa's been on this health kick, and although I hate being on a health kick, I think she's starting to drag me down with her. Damn you for wanting to be healthy! I spent $60 at the grocery store last Friday. Why is it that healthy food costs so much more? It's a conspiracy.

What Time is it?

I am so lost. The clocks got changed last night, right? Nobody told me, so I'm a little confused. Is it really 12:17? PM? Just checking.

I almost forgot to post today. It's going to be a long month.

My house is a mess. I need to clean, but it's hard when every time you turn around, there's a kitten knocking the plants off the shelves. And lasagna being made willy-nilly.

Yeah, I made lasagna last night, and it is amazing. My first try. Very good stuff. (I'm really glad I like it, because I'm going to be eating it for at least a week.) I made it with some of my homemade sauce, and I think that made the biggest difference. It is seriously excellent.

Paranoia RE:Work

Lisa: all right...i'm 1-cl wednesday if you are able to do breakfast and/or a puzzle

Sarah: well, i work at 12 on wednesday, which means i have to leave at 11:15

Lisa: more like 9:15 if you want to be safe

Sarah: so if i go to bed at 10, that means i can lay awake until 12:30 and get up at 9:45 to be safe

Lisa: lol
your schedule sounds eerily like mine

Sarah: and then i can either walk around the house aimlessly terrified that i'll fall asleep somewhere or i can maybe meet you for breakfast and/or a puzzle

Lisa: lol
i always set my alarm after i'm well awake "just in case i fall asleep"
i'll set it for 2:30pm
you know, since i always fall asleep wherever i'm standing in the afternoon

Update on the Cow (and Other Things)

Me: Howdy, neighbor!

Him: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Good. Say, I have a question for you...

Him: Shoot.

Me: What do you make of the cow?

Him: ...[Looks at me like I might be crazy]... Hmmm, what cow?

Me: ...

Cow: mmmMOOOOOOO!

Does that cow have timing, or does that cow have timing?

(We decided that what the neighbor makes of the cow is that I should call the person in charge of neighborhood cows. I called yesterday morning, the fella said he'd send someone down, and as of tonight, there is still a cow. I can tell from the mmmMOOOOOOO!ing.)

In other news, I partially ran over the kitten with my office chair today. He cried, I panicked. I couldn't find anything overtly wrong with him and he didn't flinch when I prodded him all over, so I assumed he was fine. I monkeyed around online, took the dog outside, got a glass of wine, etc. Then realized I hadn't seen the kitten in a while. Called for him all over the house (Stiiiiinky, Stiiiiiiiiiiiiiinky! STINKY!!!) to no avail. Kept calling and searching for 15 minutes or more before losing all of my shit. Kept picturing poor kitten hiding in a closet somewhere dying from internal injuries from desk chair, too weak to meow a response. Wanted to call Bruce, but he's working and can do very very little from 750 miles away. Called best friend instead, and best friend talked me down. Three minutes after hanging up with her, I found him in the bottom drawer of my desk, sleeping. I called her back to tell her he hadn't died of internal smooshing and heard her boyfriend in the background, feigning great distress and generally mocking me. Now I'm not sure what to do. I understand on a fundamental level why it was very funny for me to be freaking out, because it was highly unlikely that the kitten would be dying in a closet, but at the same time? It wasn't very funny to me. Also, I feel like he could have waited until she hung up to make fun of me. Am I wrong?

I've been reading another book by one of my very favorite authors, Anna Maxted. When we were camping, I read Behaving Like Adults, and it was possibly the best novel I've read in a long time. (Except for Goodbye, Lemon, by Adam Davies, another one of my very favorite authors.) After finishing the Anna Maxted, I came home and borrowed another one straight away from the library. Halfway through Being Committed, I found the most amusing passage about an old song, one that echos my own feelings:

Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me,
I'm off to Alabama with a banjo on my knee!

I heard the tune on one of Jude's plastic toys and recalled the words out of nowhere. And wondered why Susanna would waste her time moping after a man who was so plainly a conceited idiot--moseying off to Alabama with a banjo, daring to imagine her distraught?! She was probably glad to see the back of him--him, his silly banjo, and his unrealistic view of job opportunities in the music business. Susanna--I imagined her demure and blond, in a checked pinafore, baby blue and white--was probably too well brought up to tell him she loathed his banjo playing and him.

New to Tonight:

The guy across the street from us is actually pretty cool.

Actually, he's probably too cool for me to hang out with, if I were abiding by natural selection and the order enforced by my high school prom committee. You know the type. After knowing my type (very uncool, and also slightly worried too much), and his type (moderate cool, involved in sports/leisure activities), it's astonishing to think that we might end up friends.

Did I tell you we're moving to Seattle next winter?

Discuss.