Threesome

You all thought I was kidding in that Twitter, didn't you? Nosiree, I would not joke about such serious matters.

I think these days are probably behind us. I'm torn between feeling sympathetic relief for the slipper and Linus (and real relief for my ears! Linus was not a fan of the butt sex) and loss for the comedic side of things. Because really - homosexual threesomes with inanimate love objects? Wow. That's gold, baby. Solid.

Elephant

One time a few months ago at work, I was going through the list of animals what make noises and asking, "What does a _______ say?" when I accidentally asked what an elephant says. Of course I had to follow through, although I pity the elephant that sounds like the noise I made.

When I was at their house last week, Steve asked his little boy what sound a rabbit makes. When he got a confused look on his face, Steve said, "Buck buck bock," ala the Cadbury bunny. You know, I'm easily amused sometimes.

So I need new shoes. I'm leaning towards getting Crocs again, because I know they fit and they are comfortable and I've actually worn this pair out, which says to me I like them. Plus they come in awesome fun colors.

Awesome fun colors which make most people want to gag, I think. Oh well.

Happy Monday!

Tomorrow is a long day.

I think I'm going to call it a night a little early.

Last night at the bar, the DJ played a song that one of the middle-aged ladies with poofy bangs and mom jeans really liked. I know because after the DJ stopped playing, she found it on the jukebox and played it seven times in a row.

What song was it? This song. I shit you not.

Have a good week!

(eta: The song is "Low" by some hip hop dude. In case you have a sluggish connection or they take down the video in the future.)

Conversation:

Self: I wonder what they're going to put in that new building?

Dad: I don't know, I haven't heard.

Self: Well... I suppose probably another check cashing place.

Dad: Probably an auto parts store.

Self: A dollar store.

[pause]

Dad: This town sucks.

Olden People:

Marc : But I need to go anyway, so may kill two birds with a stone, or just one. Either way, birds will be killed.
Marc : Stupid expression
sunnyfreakingday: yeah, what did the poor birds ever do?
Marc : Were people ever that stingy with stones?
Marc : I mean, who's ever said "I'd really like to kill and eat that bird, but I've already killed one bird with this stone..."
Marc : Of course, nothing from the olden days makes sense
sunnyfreakingday: yeah, those olden days.
Marc : Pop Goes the Weasel...what the hell does that mean?
sunnyfreakingday: i always pictured throwing the stone once and somehow magically hitting two birds.
sunnyfreakingday: like a rebound or something
sunnyfreakingday: which actually makes less sense, i think
Marc : Yeah, me too.
sunnyfreakingday: now, saving the stone and hitting another bird another day, now that makes sense
Marc : But I wondered why you couldn't just pick up the stone if you missed the bank shot and kill the second bird later
sunnyfreakingday: but, like you say, who's that stingy with stones?
Marc : I dunno
Marc : Olden people
sunnyfreakingday: oh, those olden people
sunnyfreakingday: i'm shaking my head.
Marc : Olden people sure liked barrels
Marc : That's one thing I've learned from video games
sunnyfreakingday: oh, indeed they did
Marc : And inns
sunnyfreakingday: yes
Marc : Did you tell you I'm addicted to an RPG?
sunnyfreakingday: no, but it's all coming clear now

Steve of the Yesterday:

He: What does the "H" stand for, anyway? Heysoos?

Me: ...

He: [honestly looks for an answer to his question]

Me: Jesus doesn't start with an "H", man.

Both: [hysterical laughter causing tears to flow]

Steve of the Day:

Me: "Who's winning?"

He: "I'm up by two games, baby!" [Making inane train engineer movement with arm] "Wooo - WOOOO!!!!"

Me: "Are you trying to be hot? Who finds train noises hot?"

He: "The women during the INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION."

Circle of Life

One time in college, I was in the coffee shop when I got a panicked call from my mom.  She couldn't figure out why the internet box wouldn't let her read the whole line.  She was border-line hysterical, and it took me about ten minutes to figure out what she was talking about, and another five to explain the concept of maximized and minimized windows.  It was hell.

I just had a similar conversation with her.  It wasn't until I was off the phone that I realized it's been about five years since that college story.  I'm getting old.

Happy Birthday, Lisahhhhh!

Drunk-Spacing

Last night, lord knows what time exactly:

S said:
sleep tight, and don't dream about cheeseburgers!

S said:
LOOOOOOOOOoooove you.


This morning, right before work:

R says:
lol

S says:
what?

R says:
last night

S says:
omg, i forgot we talked

R says:
your closing statement

R says:
'don't dream about cheeseburgers

S says:
you get very upset when you dream about cheeseburgers

R says:
lol

...

R says:
damn it. i drunk spaced a boy last night:

You've told me you're not very good in the relationship scene. It hit me when Jeremiah gave you his phone number yesterday at the restaurant. If you and I were together in a relationship, i would constantly be jealous of the way other men look at you, and flirt with you. But in the end, if I know that I can hold you at the end of the night, the way I wanted to hold you yesterday, I am willing to give this a shot, if you are.

S says:
shit

Sunny says:
SHIT

R says:
FUCK

S says:
Drunk spacing SUCKS

Happy Birthday to... "OH..."

Speaking of what great things are likely to happen on my birthday, I thought I'd expand on the various highlights of my birthday weekend. I like to think of it as my own personal Diary of Indignities.

Saturday
Mom: Here's dinner!
Me: Oh! Zucchini casserole! My favorite!
Mom: I made cake, too!
Me: Wow, thanks, Mom!
Mom: Yeah... (blank face, followed by surprise)... OH! Yeah...

She totally didn't connect my birthday with the baking of the cake.

Sunday
Bruce: (listening to Lisa telling a story at the bar, turns to me, laughing) You know, I always listen to your stories, and they're ok, but then Lisa tells them, and I realize they're hillarious!!!
Me: (I'm sure you can imagine my expression)

Aren't birthdays the bestest?

Ok, Ok, No More Telegraph

I thought it was fun. Maybe I wore you all out with the very long-ness of it all? But you see, when I started it, it was going to be a small post detailing how we were home and I didn't feel like typing very much because, well, moving sucks. Don't ever move. But then I got started and I couldn't stop telling you all about the stuff we'd done. And it went on from there. I've got a few things I want to say to friends of mine:

• Jess is back from Florida and is in much better spirits than I would be after a trip to the Sunshine State if said trip was spent trapsing from softball field to softball field. Then again, it was for her lovely little sister, and given the chance, I would enthusiastically trapse around any state with my little brother to see all manners of musicals. If softball was his thing, I'd probably be just as excited.
• Also Jessica has just reappeared in the US, after an extended stay in GENEVA. For serious. She had a great time and met all sorts of cool people. She and I had at least one very funny instant message session wherein she was very disturbed at her choice of debauchery, but I think I assured her enough that she had done absolutely nothing wrong.
• Another friend of ours has recently made a giant change in his life, moving from The Patch to Wyoming. Bruce and I are really happy to see him doing good. Keep your fingers crossed for him, but I'm sure he'll be fine. Better than fine. Awesome.
• We're really missing Cap. That's about all there is to it.

Lisa, Todd, Mason, Sky and I went tubing down the Wolf RED last week. Our route took us past the Noviciate, where there's a pretty big waterfall which we got out of the water to avoid. On our short trek across the land, we found a perfectly good inner tube with a not-so-perfectly good plastic tube inside of it, nestled in with a perfectly good cooler. All of that could be explained. (Eg: maybe some rich people decided they were flatlanders and were too lame to take the cooler with them, and were too dumb to detatch them and just left them on the side of the river. Or perhaps there was a random sex episode, after which they just forgot to take their perfectly good stuff before launching off.) None of this, we all agreed, explained the fact that they'd left their perfectly good beer in the cooler when they left it behind. Obviously, something terrible had happened to these people. After all, who leaves their beer behind? It was pretty scary. Even more scary were the flip-flops that floated ominiously at the bottom of the falls. Naturally, we took the whole lot with us when we left. The cooler has been dubbed, naturally, the Dead Man's Chest. Aye, matey, we made merry with the dead man's beer, too.

Then, on Friday, my cousin's little girl had her first birthday. She was very excited and very happy with the gift I knitted for her. I didn't get any pictures (Bruce stole the batteries for my camera to put in his mouse, and I haven't bought any since), but just picture Kate with grey fur and dark blue stripes on light blue britches. I was a little worried that Hannah might be alarmed by Kate's masculinity, so I gave her a pink nose and a yarn bow on top of her head. Oh, before you get confused, Hannah turned six on Friday. It was her first birthday because before now, her parents weren't of the sort that celebrated holidays. (Don't look so confused, I'm sure everyone has Jehovah's Witness relatives. Don't you?) I worried and worried that she might not like it, because it was, after all, a homemade gift, and not nearly as cool as a Bratz doll or something, but she warmed my heart but good when she loved it right away. Her mom told her it was "made from scratch" and she's done a good job of making sure Hannah is really appreciative. Wow, it was so great. She seemed to like it almost as much as the fluffy white puppy she got from someone else (she named the puppy "Princess", because she's the "Queen"). She named the knitted cat "Harley". It's not quite as feminine, but it's exponentially cooler, and I'm happy. Two minutes after they arrived I wondered where Bruce was. When I looked down to the water (we were visiting at the Lake), I saw that they were all on the dock, Hannah on one side of him and Phillip on the other. In the sunset it made quite a picture.

So, that's what we've been up to. Much wine was bedranken on Friday night, much chatting was done with Hannah. ("Now that I'm six, I'm soooo much closer to dying," she said with a huge sigh.) She informed me that I don't look anything like my mom and dad (which I knew) and also that there was no way that Robby could be my little brother. ("He's like THIS MUCH bigger than you!" was her comment.) The great news is that now we live about 10 minutes away from them, and we can visit as often as we like.

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Todd of the Day

"Before I left for work, I crapped a turd that looked like Elvis."