That's My Story

My parents are on vacation this week. I thought this would be an awesome thing, but I'm disappointed so far. I was hoping for a vacation for me, too. It's only Monday, but we're off to a rough start if they were here all day long.

My bike went back to the pawn shop. The rear tire wanted to pop out of the wheel. I made it around the block without trouble, but I wanted to go further than that on it without a pit stop. Eventually. As of now, I'm riding my brother's bike. Actually, I will be publishing this post and then going on a small bike ride.

Today at my last house, some asshole made me cry. My family rents from a farmer who lives across the street and farms the fields around the family's house. While we were out riding bikes and goofing off, Mr. Farmer came across the street and started up the driveway. I'd never met him before, so I greeted him with a cheery, "Hi!" His responce was, "YOU NEED TO STOP PARKING IN THIS FUCKING DRIVEWAY!!!" I can't believe that some people make it to sixty without learning basic social skills. Really, I'd like to have a word with this man's mother. I think I would have probably been fine, but T (the awesome kid of awesomeness that I work with) came up to me very concerned and asked, "Are you sad?" So yeah, I cried. Just a little bit. It was mostly due to shock.

From What to Expect When You're Expecting*:

Cunnilingus is safe throughout pregnancy, as long as your mate takes care not to BLOW AIR INTO your vagina. [emphasis mine]

Please tell me this alarms you as much as it does me. Luckily for me, no one has ever needed this instruction (with child or not) and I hope that you ladies never have to resort to telling a guy you are not a balloon, either.

PS: I am not pregnant. I can't help but pick up this book when I see it lying around. It's so fascinating and alarming! Full of things I never wanted to know and yet want to be prepared for, should they ever happen to me!

Day 11

I almost started a brawl last night. Yeah, that's something to make me ashamed for quite a while.

I might get a roommate instead of moving out. I'll talk to my landlord later.

I got most of my stuff straightened out for work, and actually called in my hours this week. I feel like a rockstar.

Luckily, my schedule is the same on Monday as it always has been, because my other days are all messed up. I need to double check when the people think I'm coming to their houses.

Can we say disjointed post? Stupid NaBloPoMo. Stupid posting when hungover. Stupid self.

Last month a stranger came up to someone I was with at the bar and asked her if she knew that I had "giant hooters". At least I'm not that stupid.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I stopped by the local grocers to pick up some beer tonight. As usual, the girl asked for my identification, and I gave it to her. (It will be quite a shock for me when I stop looking under 21.) She apologized, and I waved it off, it's nothing. I used to work at a gas station, and I know how intimidating it can be at times to ask for identification. I don't mind showing my ID. It's a fact of life.

This time was a little different. She took one look at my birthdate, looked a second time and said, "Oh! Well, I must have just made your day!"

(I'm pausing, to let that sink in a little.)

I think that falls under the category of things that I Can Say to You, but You Cannot Say to Me.

Anyway, here's to being twenty-seven! In four days!

Overheard on Local Walmart Loudspeaker:

"Attention Walmart shoppers. The time is now 8:45PM. In accordance with city statute number 42, we can not sell the alcohol after 9PM. Please make your final selections and bring them to the checkouts at this time. Thank you."

You heard that right. The alcohol.

PS: That post from yesterday? Lets just say that I hope that most of the drunken emails I sent out made as much sense as that post, and the one that didn't was sent to Devin. That's all I'm saying about that.

(Sorry again, Devin.)