My, my

I had an hour long dream this morning that seemed to go on all night long. I'm telling you, there were nudists and everything! (Turns out, I'm a prude about the nudist thing. Who knew?)

I got some fantastic news yesterday. Also one of the sweetest apologies ever, and I actually accepted it with grace (I think) and without denying that it needed to be said. Usually I end up protesting that nothing was done to be apologized for, but I managed to avoid it. I'm kind of proud of myself. Also really happy about the fantastic news!

B's doing his taxes, which is awesome because I think they'll stop holding my refund when his get done.

Updating

I need to get a new book on tape from the library. It is not sane to listen to the same book on tape three or four times in a row, just to avoid crappy radio stations. It's just not.

My brother's bike is very uncomfortable. I think I'm going to resort to buying a new bike, however wasteful it is. I think my free money should be here soon, and surprisingly I haven't spent it all yet. I've wanted a bike for a few years, so that's on the list. I've also got a bridesmaid's dress to pay for, and I've got my eye on a camera. It is brown and came recommended.

Tuesdays suck for me because therapy at my first house is over before noon and my second house starts after five. That leaves a lot of free time in the middle wherein I can't seem to get anything done. Unless you count surfing the Internet and playing Lego Star Wars. Today was especially terrible because when I drove the forty-five minutes to get to house number two, I was told they were cancelling therapy. Thanks, dude. You just wasted my evening. Not to mention my money. I will get paid for the travel time, but it doesn't exactly even out. He owes me two dollars.

I sent off a surprise present last week and it was received today. I like sending people stuff.

I almost forgot! On the drive to the house-that-wasn't, I got a call from T's mom (see yesterday's post) about Mr. Farmer. Apparently Mr. Farmer has had a talking to by more than a few people about the proper way to treat strangers, which warms my heart a little. I hope this is the end of it. Mom asked if I was too traumatized to go with them on their Chicago trip. I told her I would probably be fine, just as long as she was sure Mr. Farmer wasn't invited.

Yesterday was my third anniversary. The day started with an early morning truck backing into the driver's side of my parked car (both doors are damaged) and ended with my getting reamed by Mr. Farmer. (And not in the sexy way.) Even if there had been a canoe involved, I'm not sure it could have gotten worse.

Hopeful

Here's hoping that this year is like March;  I hope it came in in the opposite way to which it will be going out.  In:  sad, inadequate, degenerate, alone.  Out:  happy, whole, productive, surrounded with love.  Not that I haven't been surrounded with love, but it's not completely been the sort of love I need.

Part of that will change soon, because I have finally connected with my sister.  I can't believe it took me this long, except I can totally believe it took me this long.  We're such different people, and only half of it stems from her being adopted out of the family.  I'm over the worst of it, though, and I really want things to be good for us.  I find it disgusting that she never met Bruce, for example.  One of the many ways I know that one or both of those relationships were not healthy for me.  Sadly enough, I'm sure that any inadequacies in that department belong to me.

I'm trying to blast up my year, my life.  In some ways it's not working as well as I'd have liked, but in those ways I have no control over it, so it is marginally acceptable.  I'm sure most of the people who read this are breathing a sigh of relief that I'm starting to count parts of life in the plus collumn again, after so much doom and gloom at the start of the year.  In my defense, however, one can't start out the year feeling awesome if one wakes up in one's car at 6AM having tried to drive on railroad tracks the night before on New Year's Day.

That's purely hypothetical.

For those of you who don't know, or who read my site through a reader (Hello!  I use Google Reader!  Please publish your full feed!), I'd like to mention that I have a sidebar application for Twitter, which I update (somewhat amusingly) a few times a day.  If I knew how to do a sideblog, ala:  Kerflop, then I would and save us all the trouble, but I'm unable.  

You Know What? No.

I'm not going to be like that. I have no reason to be like that. I have good friends (whether they live by me or have lots of time or not) and amazing family who will always support me and give me shelter and love when I need it, mush, mush, etc etc etc, ad naseum. Plus, the fantastic comments I got at the Sad post lead me to reason that you girls are all too spectacular to listen to me whine all the live-long day. So I can't guarantee I'm stopping for good, but I'll give it an effort.

Part of me is angry at Bruce for twisting the knife, I suppose, by writing about girls. ("The knife you stabbed yourself with?" you ask. Yes.) I stopped being a big part of his blog a long time ago, but since it played such a huge part in our early relationship I still see it as 'mine' somehow. Most of the territory I'd marked as 'mine' for him is faded, the feeling isn't that strong. I guess my metaphorical pee is taking a longer time to rinse off that particular area, that's all. Why should I be angry with him? It's his fucking blog, after all. He wrote it, it's supposed to be a fairly accurate account of his life, and I'm sure it is. Girls are pretty awesome, after all. Especially those who drink beer. I'm glad somebody realizes it. Maybe if it was the "best of the last quarter of 2007", I'd feel less pissy about it. I don't know. What I do know is that in a few years I'm likely to look back on this post and the Sad post before it and cringe at my own sensitivity to crap that doesn't matter anymore. But isn't that what a blog is for?

Warning: Sad.

Today is a bad day.

Most of it was fine, but I keep getting hit in the face with things that are bad, or things that make me feel bad. Or things that make me feel bad for feeling bad about them, because what the hell? I shouldn't feel bad about that anymore! Or because, well, sometimes it just sucks to be lonely.

#1. I was struck in the car today on the way from one house to another that I am borderline depressed at my life not turning out the way I always wanted it to. I've done what I thought was best, all the time, and yet? Here I am, alone again. Back where I started. Oh, wait, now I'm three years older and much more jaded. Oh! And still technically married. I'm a catch, ladies and gentlemen.

#2. Just ran across Bruce's list of great things for 2007 and, unlike some of the other things that have struck me and made me sad and jealous in really sick ways on his blog since we split up, I don't think his listing of "girls" and "girls who drink beer" are really something I can interperate wrong. Nope. Why am I like this? So bitter and sad and wanting everyone else to be too? It makes me feel sick inside. I did this because we will both be happier. Why can't I be happier first for once? See? I'm a selfish bitch.

Anyway, those are the two things I can think of that made me cry today. I'm hoping to seriously lower my score for tomorrow. Seriously.

Random, Day 24

Today I woke up at 6:00AM to my dog pitter-pattering (remind me to clip his toenails, would you?) on the kitchen floor of the Lake House, whining all the way. I was upstairs and he was barricaded in the down, and he didn't like that. I went downstairs to try to lull him to sleep, laying on the pull-out couch with my brother for 15 minutes before realizing, "Hey, you should just take my bed upstairs. Dur." And off he went. He didn't pitter-patter, though. He clips his toenails regularly.

I called Todd to get Lee Ann's number and, just like on the first time I called, he reversed two of the first three digits. It created a large deja-vu sensation, but I dialed the way he told me anyway, because it's in my nature to think I'm wrong before anyone else is, only to get the same message I'd gotten that first time -- this number has been disconnected. Unlike the first time, I didn't panic, instead calling back, reversing those two digits, and Lee Ann answered right away. Silly me, I should trust myself.

I just finished reading "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim," by David Sedaris, and I'm in complete agreement with all of the reviews (which I also read, which I never read), he is incredibly poignant and also a comic genius. I am in love.

I am still wondering about the wedding VCR, but I'm leaning toward shipping it to Bruce. I would still like a copy of the video, and he's got the equipment to burn it onto DVD.

I drove Robby as far as Sheboygan, about half-way between here and Milwaukee. We met Tony, ate at Perkins (for the second time in one day) and then went to Target, where Robby dashed around like a madman in a panic to find some deals he was too lazy to catch yesterday. I left feeling unfulfilled. I have an embarrassing crush on Tony, who does not play for my team. Or the opposite team? Something. He's not in my league, in any case. I am in awe of him. Too bad for my vagina.

Huck is finally dressed in his new 'outfit', the collar and leash I bought him last time I went to Target. I'm not sure it fits him entirely, but it's definitely very adorable. We'll see how I like it as the week wears on, maybe I'll buy him a different set and keep these aside for my next dog. Can't you just imagine me picking out a dog on the basis of whether it will be the right size and color to fit this collar? I can. Luckily, I forgive myself for things like this.

Packing

If you didn't know, I'm moving in exactly one week. So my posts are apt to be short and meaningful on good days, and just short on the others. At least until this business is taken care of.

Status report: I'm almost done packing Bruce's things.

Question:

Who gets the wedding VCR?

Day 6

I knew I almost forgot something.

Last week, I forgot to call in my hours in the automated system. Which is not a huge problem, because I will get paid for them. What I need to do in order to be paid is to email one of the people higher on the totem pole my hours so that she may enter them into the system manually. This means admitting my own incompetence, and I hate it very much. I'm avoiding it because I hate it. If I avoid it much longer, I might have problems getting paid. What am I, an ostrich?

In other news, I have to pack up Bruce's things in two 30lb. boxes and send them off with UPS to his new house. Which, as you might imagine, previous to a few months ago, was not something I ever pictured myself doing. Ever.

Day 2

Last night, I tried signing up for NaBloPoMo, and I think the ads on the page were messing with me. It just didn't work. I'm hoping to give it another shot today, I'll keep my fingers crossed.

I haven't blogged in so long that it's going to take a little while for me to get back into the swing of things. Another problem is that many of the things going on in my life are feeling more personal than usual, or more painful. I'm not used to serious blogging, I've always been more of a superficial blogger. I could continue along that path, but it would feel like I was ignoring the serious things that are going on right now. It's going to be a little touch-and-go.

Down the street from me, they tore up the road to put in a new culvert this morning. I didn't hear a word about it until Lisa picked me up to go to Clintonville, and then the workerman seemed really put upon that we were driving through. Well, fella, if you're going to tear up a dead-end road, you might want to give the people who live at the end a little notice before you remove their only way out. I'm just sayin'.

I'm almost done with the "His Dark Materials" trilogy of books, and I will be letting you know what I think of them at the end. Although, right now? Go read them, and then we can dish. I like them.

Welcome to NaBloPoMo!

I will be participating this year for the second year running, if only to pull myself out of my anti-blogging funk by my bootstraps. (I don't actually own boots, so it might be harder than it sounds.)

I know I haven't been blogging very much, but part of the reason behind that is because although this blog is very much my own, I started it mere hours before I met my husband, Bruce. And we're not together anymore. I'm sure I'll get into that more as the month goes on, but it's your basic story. Painful, for sure, but I'm not the first to go through it and I will sadly not be the last. I hope we can be life-long friends, and I'm going to do whatever I can to make that happen.

But it sucks.

On that note, I start my posting for the month. Enjoy! Doom and Gloom! I'm sure you'll be back for more of this!