Thursday, December 27

Warning: Sad.

Today is a bad day.

Most of it was fine, but I keep getting hit in the face with things that are bad, or things that make me feel bad. Or things that make me feel bad for feeling bad about them, because what the hell? I shouldn't feel bad about that anymore! Or because, well, sometimes it just sucks to be lonely.

#1. I was struck in the car today on the way from one house to another that I am borderline depressed at my life not turning out the way I always wanted it to. I've done what I thought was best, all the time, and yet? Here I am, alone again. Back where I started. Oh, wait, now I'm three years older and much more jaded. Oh! And still technically married. I'm a catch, ladies and gentlemen.

#2. Just ran across Bruce's list of great things for 2007 and, unlike some of the other things that have struck me and made me sad and jealous in really sick ways on his blog since we split up, I don't think his listing of "girls" and "girls who drink beer" are really something I can interperate wrong. Nope. Why am I like this? So bitter and sad and wanting everyone else to be too? It makes me feel sick inside. I did this because we will both be happier. Why can't I be happier first for once? See? I'm a selfish bitch.

Anyway, those are the two things I can think of that made me cry today. I'm hoping to seriously lower my score for tomorrow. Seriously.


Jess said...

I don't think you're selfish, Sunny. If you are, so am I. Ever since Robert and I split (and we weren't even married!), I've always said to myself - and to him - that I want to move on and be happy first. Somehow, I equate being happy first to being strong.

In all reality, for me, it means that if I'm happy first I will have someone who adores me when my world comes to a screeching hault because he's found someone new that makes him happy. The mere thought that someone else's arms would be there to hold me means the difference between there being something wrong with me and there having been something wrong with the relationship. It means my ego won't be destroyed again. It means, maybe, I won't be so sad.

So, you see, if you feeling that way means you're selfish, you're in close company. I'll sit by your side on the selfish train and we can talk about all the reasons we're bitches together.

But, honestly, I think it just means that you're human.

SJ said...

hold on, wtf have I missed? i'm sad now, too. be sunny. you can live around it, i promise. you just can. hang tough. clue me in!

Amy said...

Why shouldn't you want to be happy first? Jeez, if you didn't want to be happy, then what would be the point????

There's nothing selfish about self-concern. Or if there is, there's nothing wrong with it. The flip side turns you into a martyr, and they never have ANY fun.

You ARE a great catch. Sometimes it takes some false starts and wrong turns and u-ies in cul-de-sacs to find the person who is YOUR great catch. Been there, done that.

In the meantime -- put you first. That's the only way to get to happy. Otherwise, you're depending on someone else to supply it.

Hang in there, girl. Remember the phoenix -- rises from the ashes. I need to get that as a tattoo. :)