Tuesday, May 27


Did everyone have a nice weekend? Yes? Good. Me too.


Tuesday, May 20

My, my

I had an hour long dream this morning that seemed to go on all night long. I'm telling you, there were nudists and everything! (Turns out, I'm a prude about the nudist thing. Who knew?)

I got some fantastic news yesterday. Also one of the sweetest apologies ever, and I actually accepted it with grace (I think) and without denying that it needed to be said. Usually I end up protesting that nothing was done to be apologized for, but I managed to avoid it. I'm kind of proud of myself. Also really happy about the fantastic news!

B's doing his taxes, which is awesome because I think they'll stop holding my refund when his get done.

Tuesday, May 13


I need to get a new book on tape from the library. It is not sane to listen to the same book on tape three or four times in a row, just to avoid crappy radio stations. It's just not.

My brother's bike is very uncomfortable. I think I'm going to resort to buying a new bike, however wasteful it is. I think my free money should be here soon, and surprisingly I haven't spent it all yet. I've wanted a bike for a few years, so that's on the list. I've also got a bridesmaid's dress to pay for, and I've got my eye on a camera. It is brown and came recommended.

Tuesdays suck for me because therapy at my first house is over before noon and my second house starts after five. That leaves a lot of free time in the middle wherein I can't seem to get anything done. Unless you count surfing the Internet and playing Lego Star Wars. Today was especially terrible because when I drove the forty-five minutes to get to house number two, I was told they were cancelling therapy. Thanks, dude. You just wasted my evening. Not to mention my money. I will get paid for the travel time, but it doesn't exactly even out. He owes me two dollars.

I sent off a surprise present last week and it was received today. I like sending people stuff.

I almost forgot! On the drive to the house-that-wasn't, I got a call from T's mom (see yesterday's post) about Mr. Farmer. Apparently Mr. Farmer has had a talking to by more than a few people about the proper way to treat strangers, which warms my heart a little. I hope this is the end of it. Mom asked if I was too traumatized to go with them on their Chicago trip. I told her I would probably be fine, just as long as she was sure Mr. Farmer wasn't invited.

Yesterday was my third anniversary. The day started with an early morning truck backing into the driver's side of my parked car (both doors are damaged) and ended with my getting reamed by Mr. Farmer. (And not in the sexy way.) Even if there had been a canoe involved, I'm not sure it could have gotten worse.

Monday, May 12

That's My Story

My parents are on vacation this week. I thought this would be an awesome thing, but I'm disappointed so far. I was hoping for a vacation for me, too. It's only Monday, but we're off to a rough start if they were here all day long.

My bike went back to the pawn shop. The rear tire wanted to pop out of the wheel. I made it around the block without trouble, but I wanted to go further than that on it without a pit stop. Eventually. As of now, I'm riding my brother's bike. Actually, I will be publishing this post and then going on a small bike ride.

Today at my last house, some asshole made me cry. My family rents from a farmer who lives across the street and farms the fields around the family's house. While we were out riding bikes and goofing off, Mr. Farmer came across the street and started up the driveway. I'd never met him before, so I greeted him with a cheery, "Hi!" His responce was, "YOU NEED TO STOP PARKING IN THIS FUCKING DRIVEWAY!!!" I can't believe that some people make it to sixty without learning basic social skills. Really, I'd like to have a word with this man's mother. I think I would have probably been fine, but T (the awesome kid of awesomeness that I work with) came up to me very concerned and asked, "Are you sad?" So yeah, I cried. Just a little bit. It was mostly due to shock.

Sunday, May 11


The most terrible thing in the world is to be completely in love with someone who is completely in love with you, and know you will never be with that person.

You end up desperate for something secondary, just to take the edge off of the big love you have and can't do anything about.

Thursday, May 8

Sunday, May 4


I have a hard time letting myself feel sad. Right now, I'm lonely fit to bust and tears are squeezing out no matter how much I tell myself that I am Not Crying and it just isn't healthy. I know it. I can't seem to help it.

The sad festers inside while I squelch it down, try to stamp it out. It doesn't go out, and sometimes it fights back and reaches the top again and spills out my eyes for a while and fills my head with nonsense about being unloved. Takes away all of my hopefullness. Reassures me that this, this lonely - this pointlessness - is what I'm going to be. What was meant to be for me.

Part of me knows that I should just let my body be sad, let it be missing what it had for a while. Let it fully take over and get the miserable out of its system but if I do that, what are the guarantees that the sadness will let the happy back in? Maybe the sadness will like the view, cozy up near the fire and dig in its claws. There is no Mucinex for the sadness.

I tried calling him tonight, just because I haven't talked to him in a long time, and miss him. Part of my price for (what? what did I get?) all this being miserable was my best friend, and that really hurts.

Wouldn't it be better to still have... something? Everything is lost to me tonight, and I am lost too.

I don't want to be here and I don't have the means to be any other place. I am cold and I want to be warm. I am all by myself.