Wednesday, June 30
1)That post right there makes you more beautiful than I could ever describe. That's all I have to say.
2)I'm of a more stable mind this morning and I still find that to be beautiful, and another sign of traits we share. I felt the need to clarify.
3)you shouldn't have, it's sweet. (me)
last week, i'd have been thrilled. i would have gone all week, dreaming up scenarios, and thinking about all the things that could possibly go right, and i'd be excited and overjoyed, and just.. to enthusiastic to have a maybe-date with someone i don't know very well at all. i'd have gone, maybe ditched my friends to go, been slightly miserable, knowing i'd be less nervous and more relaxed and less guilty with my friends, at someone's birthday party, but i'd have gone anyway. probably, i'd have ended up talking (nerves), and the whole night would have been a disaster. none of that is anything i'd be willing to do, just to make out with a guy i barely know, who doesn't know a thing about me.
this week, i'm thinking clearly, and holding my head higher than i have before. my actions are not muddled with guilt, or with doubt. it doesn't matter as much, as the days pass, who's watching me. i know who i am, and for the first time in my life, i feel like someone knows who that is, and appreciates it. it's.. nice. i don't know what's happening, i don't know what can really happen. at first, as with most things, the obstacles are seeming to be huge and un-crossable. but i have faith. i have hope. and i know that things will work out, if they're meant to. far away is still far away, but i've always had a little dream in the back of my mind of meeting someone who already knew who i was.. and i didn't mean for that to make as much sense as it did, but it did, and i'm glad. i'm itching for something to happen.
it's not that i've never felt appreciation.. i feel like for the first time ever, someone who understands me appreciates me.
this is what i've been looking for my whole life. the one thing that makes me think there might be something out there, after all, the thing that makes me keep trying. i'm talking about the kind where you feel completely at ease, the kind that makes me want to stay in my town. the kind where, no matter where you go, or who you see, you're at home, and you're safe. in a relationship, it's when you've got someone who you know has you in the back of his mind - but only when you're not in the front of it. that's something i look for, all the time, something that would mean more to me than a million compliments ever could. comfortable is cozy, and i love to think about cozy.
i wanted to make a note about my mom. last night, i told someone that i loved her, but i was scared of turning into her. that's only in some respects. if i ever am a mom, would like to be the mom who never lets you go to bed without telling you she loves you. i would like to be the mom who gets emotional, just not to the same degree :). i would like to be the mom (this one is the most important) that leaves notes. my mom leaves notes. i bet that if i had all of the notes she's written to members of this family, and counted up the words, it'd rival moby dick. i used to hate the notes, because they meant she wanted me to do something. but now, they've sort of evolved, and i'm finding out how nice it is, when i come home to an empty house, to know where they are, and when they'll be back. it's a silly thing, but the few times i've come home and there was NO note, i felt lost for a little while. my brain doesn't always remember the place she told me last week that they'd be going to tonight, and it's good to have a little reminder. it brightens my day when she throws in little tidbits, like, "Kitty has now decided he likes it when you squirt him with the water bottle. Wierdo."
1)I like to think that we are made from the best traits of our parents, and that we can pass on those important little things to others (be it friends, children or random people)that we meet along the way. It's funny how much those kind of things that parents do end up meaning so much. It's also funny how long it sometimes takes us to appreciate those kind of things from them.
i'd just turned 18. i was in a bad spot, having (recently) broken up with a guy who hadn't really wanted me as more than a friend in the first place. i was "seeing" a guy who i had no business seeing, any more than she had any business dating MY ex. but life went on, and it kept being rocky. the guy i was "seeing" was at my house, and she was there too.. changing upstairs. he was doodling, and what he was drawing was really catching my attention, it stuck out at me, the way certain images do, sometimes. but it stuck to me in the oposite of what he was drawing. sure, he was drawing the same thing, the same wings, but he was drawing it broken. the image in my head was of it whole. i told him that, and he told me he'd happily draw me one that was the anti-doodle, so that i could get it for permanent. when i got it, i got it put to the left of where i'd originally wanted it, and i'm disappointed in the fact that i took advice from someone i've since deemed "not good enough for me". but when i think about it, i really do like the fact that i have it, and that it's a liberating thing, and that it was something i was feeling.
at times, i've thought about covering it up, but it's still always going to be there.. and i guess i'd rather have the world see it for what it is, and who i was, than see it for a patched-up-me. but that is ME, and that is different. i don't always take opportunities, and that is probably one of those things that is unique to me, even when compaired to someone so similar to me that it still gives me shivers. "only that which is the other, gives us fully unto ourselves".. just to give it a better, more concise explanation. i really don't have any words for me right now, and i can't believe it.
Tuesday, June 29
in the barn, the pigs were kept. there were only 5 of them, but they'd all been mama's, and the piglets moved from mom to mom, like you see at a buffet. they could do this, because there was a gap, just about piglet-sized, that they could get out of. but the piglets always scattered, when they heard someone coming. they have instinct.. people were loud, and scary.. they'd rather be in with a mama.. any mama, than those scary people.
so imagine her grandpa's surprise, when he went to investigate on the little girl! he walked up to the barn door, to see her sitting, quiet as she could possibly be, quieter than he'd ever seen her before, in the middle of the floor.. with piglets, all around.
i'm sorry for the times at all of the jobs i've had in this town that i disregarded you. i'm sorry for all the people that are like me, and have disregarded you, and made you think you didn't have to think for yourself. i'm sorry for the times that i, and people like me, just did things for you, rather than take the time to explain things to you. i'm sorry for the time at the grocery store that i gave up trying to teach you how to use your debit card, because it was easier for me, at the time, to just do it for you. i am sorry that i aided in teaching you that you didn't ever have to learn anything about how things work, because the people around you were going to do your thinking for you. because now, i've got some bad news to tell you.
you are diabetic. you have a serious disease, and there's no one available to hold your hand through it. no one will test your blood-sugar for you, or tell you what the results mean. no one is going to follow you around, and ask you how you're feeling, and tell you what that means. you have to learn, now, how to use your lancets and what that "machine that pokes" really does, and what it all means. and you're old, now, and you know what they say about old dogs.
even though, deep down, i know that i couldn't have changed any of this, by myself, i still feel guilty. i feel guilty because i shouldn't have let you believe that people like me would do your thinking for you. i feel guilty because now, because of what i've helped to teach you, you're not going to understand something that is not only very important to your health, but it could be life or death. most of all, i feel guilty because people like me still don't have the time or the patience to explain why this is important. i feel guilty, because i'm writing this letter to ease my guilt, but i'll never send it.
good luck, and i'm sorry i can't be more patient.
one time, a friend of mine who i don't talk to on a regular basis, called me, on accident. when i realized that the reason he wasn't answering me was because he wasn't intending to call me, i tried a few times to get his attention.. "TODD!!.. TODD!" it didn't work, and i didn't feel as guilty as i probably should have, if i were a person with a high sense of morals. as it is, my morals bend a little bit, when i get really curious, for instance. plus (as i reasoned at the time), if you really don't want me to listen in on your conversations, you should learn about the keyguard function on your phone. now, i don't think that excuse would apply, but at the time, it was applicable to the max.
i'm not feeling as guilty as i should be. either i was hearing a really long conversation in a very garbly way, or it was an accidental eavesdropping that i couldn't understand. it's funny, the things that are able to brighten your day.. even the ones you can't even begin to explain.
my world is upside down, in a million places, and i think i need some headache medicine, because i'm starting to think of all the stuff involved again, and mostly about how crazy it all is, but it's not going to stop me from shit-eating-grinning like a crazy girl at all of my customers.
i just saw myself in the mirror, and despite being red and itchy, and then stinging for a minute.. my eyes have something there that i didn't see yesterday. to the person who put it there, Thank You. to everyone else? look out for the crazy girl at your local pharmacy. she might just smile you to death today.
Monday, June 28
What if someone sees you differently? Or sees those things but in a different way? All we can ever really measure by is the past, and then hope that the next time is better. Usually, it is. This is just my experience. There are people that are willing to take the bad with the good and still make it work. Those people are great. Those people are why other people keep trying and become eternal optimists. That makes me happy, and I hope it makes you happy too.
[Oh.. my.. OH MYGOD.. OH my OGOD.. Thats it! i'm disabling my.. Ohmygod. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!. that's not funny. Am i TRYING to sabotage myself?]
yeah, i can sort of believe it. i've got all day to worry, which is great, cause i like being obsessive at work.
on to the topic i couldn't sleep over. augie was gone this
(don't you hate it when your exclamations of anger turn into whines? when you can say something out of anger, and a few seconds later, say it out of.. whiney-ness?.. i guess i'll have to just out with it. a few minutes ago, when i was writing about putting on my patch [and the giant band-aid over the top, cause the ones i bought were the Kmart, cheapo-brand, not the whatever-is-brand-name-for-good-reasons-brand, onto my ass, so that it's not conspicuous there, and because i saw it in a commercial for birthcontrol, and therefore apply it to my life, lol], i said, "FUCK!" cause something was weird about my the way it was feeling. the bandaid, not my ass. a few seconds later, when i realized that the bandaid was peeling off, and that if i left it like that, i'd be trying to fix it all day, and my perv-boss would be thoroughly enjoying watching me, i said, "awww... fuuucccck...")
augie was gone this weekend. i missed him a lot. i coaxed him up to nap with me before work, and i laid there, really thinking about the stuff i do for him, and how much i adore him. here's a few of the things i am to him, and why they matter so much to me:
Tick-Puller-Offer: because i detest ticks. i want to puke, when i think about them. because the rest of my family (though, obviously not enjoying them) doesn't have that same absolute hatred for them. and because augie knows i'm the only person who'll find them all, and that i'm the person to go to, when he's got them, that no matter how much i hate them, i'm the only person that's capable. because he comes to me, first.. he trusts me to ease his suffering. (this goes for the Eye-Booger-Taker-Outer, too, by the way.) not because i enjoy it, but because he trusts me to be the only one who can do it.
Sleep-Next-to-er: not because he snores, not because he takes up the bed, leaving me with 6 inches of space, and whines sometimes in his sleep, not because he's cranky sometimes, and kicks me without meaning to. not because i'm the only one who'll let him be that. those are NOT the reasons i don't sleep as well without him on the bed. it's because i miss his weight, his warmth, his presence. i miss that he's the first one who'll notice if something's not right with me. i miss him (when he's not snoring) sighing, because he's really happy that i let him be there.
Trust-er: because he'd never ever hurt me.. not intentionally.
i think by now you get a picture of why i had to get up and write this. because i realized a few things about what i want in a guy, or rather, how i want to feel about a guy.
actually, rather glad i was honest, and wrote that first entry-of-today when i did, before i got reassured. it's honest, too. (has anyone else reading this blog noticed that i'm actually learning a little teensy bit of html? that's a joke, you know.. i think only one person reads this blog. if it's not you, don't pretend it is. most likely that the one person who does, is the only person doubting that it's them that i'm talking about - also the only one to understand that - the joke refering to a sarah-ism i had a while back, in which: whilst in a conversation with only one person (besides myself) i say, "Am i the only one in this conversation who...?". because i think it's funny, and because i love/hate it when they use things like that to over-dramatize conversations in movies. also, a joke because i read my own blog, and while i don't think anyone else reading this blog finds it odd to do so, i have no doubt that there are some people out there who neverever read theirs. yes, i realize it's silly to make jokes and then explain them to people. i should also add, "taking longer to explain something than it takes for people of average intelligence to understand it without help" to my "i'm very good at:"'s).
that being said, i'm insane again, and paranoider than when i started this damn update, lol. i went over my first conversation ever with someone, and realized that i very much AM arrogant. also that he should be, too.
- i think at that age, most relationships that actually DO work out, consist of people too boring for the rest of us to understand. purely because the people don't change.. from that point on.
-thank whatever for people who think/make jokes/laugh at the same things i do. don't.. don't overanalyze that sentance, it was meant as a note, which by rights you shouldn't be reading anyway. lol
-one year, or two? i don't think it was a mistake, or a lie, but i'm curious about things i've no business being curious about, as a rule, and therefore want to know how that clarifies. didn't you read about the "inquisitive"? you don't have to tell me.
-i'm laughing, out loud, in my empty house, about the *idea* of that "stunt". i haven't even gotten past the third sentance. ok, now i'm moving on.
-hard to be a sexual loverboy, huh? :(
-lots of guys are dense, girls are used to it (some girls even *gasp* use it to their advantage - that right there? that's not really funny to most guys, i guess. i should stop talking).
-not a good thing, to ask people stuff like that on trips.. unless you're *sure* that someone'll say yes. otherwise.. imagine what the rest of the trip would be like? glad it worked out ok, that was a note for future reference (i should add, "advising people on stuff they didn't ask advice on" to my "i'm really good at:"'s).
-man, that really really sucks :(.
-wow, you're smart.
-and happier (that was a guess, lol)
-Hey! i said that. probably you did, too, though. < sigh >
-have you ever thought about people, when they're drunk? have you ever thought that they act the way they really really feel, deep down? i have.. i guess it's why i'm glad that i (and the people i'm usually drunk around) am a happy drunk (and they are, too.. only pluraler).
-complete relief. big sigh of ok-ness. sort of glad i got that other stuff out, just because it was honest, but really very.. content.
i think i've met someone with a similar natural set to their face as mine. when my face is entirely at rest, it is almost comical. my mouth turns down. the reason that it's comical is because it rarely ever happens.. without me doing it on purpose, for comical effect.
my preface was longer than what i needed to say, i find that hillarious.
Exposure. (that's what the next one was supposed to be called, but wasn't, because there wasn't actually a "next", seeing as how i didn't have as much to say about the first as i'd imagined when i couldn't get back to sleep, lol.)
near as i can tell, i went to bed at midnight. it's scary to me, and probably moreso to people who were talking to me at that time, that i have to say "near as i can tell" before i say the rest of that sentance. how can that make anyone feel proud?
i don't. and i know there are issues deeper than what even i am thinking about at work, there. and i'm fully aware of problems in my life, and things that need to be fixed, and i'm highly HIGHLY defensive when people tell me things i already know.
that's not the point i wanted to get to, here. here, i wanted to talk about my self-exposure, and why i scare people away (i typed "try to", but i don't honestly think i try to do it, i think i've told myself that i try to, because it doesn't hurt as much to scare people away if that was your original goal). people, as a whole, don't want to mess with a mess like me. i've got a few things that go on in my life that only one person has ever known as fact, and (only sometimes due to the above paragraph) i expose parts of the person that only one other person knows all about to new people, and i terrify them.
worse yet is when i DON'T.. because when i don't terrify them, i wonder what they're not seeing. what is wrong with them for not being terrified, because so many other people have been. it's not fair to judge anyone based upon the people that i know weren't good enough for me, i know that. but it's all i have to base my judgements on.
what i'm saying is: i might act funny today. i might need more proof than any person is able to give me. i'm crying. not because of anything anyone did, or will do, or because i might miss out on something, but because as much as i pretend to like analyzing myself, sometimes it hurts when i actually figure things out. i'm sorry. i don't think i have to be, but i am. lets just assume from now on that when i'm being melodramatic, i'd like a reply, shall we? i prefer to end this with a laugh.
Sunday, June 27
i should post about this, before i forget. i feel that there are extenuating circumstances surrounding my attitude twards men, and i should at least explain the basics of my situation, so that the reasons that i am how i am are a little more clear. so, deep breath, here goes.
the first guy i ever dated, was steve. he kissed me on the cheek on new years day of 1997. we'd been talking since the previous june, i'd realized i'd fallen in love in august. on christmas day, he broke up with his girlfriend, and on new year's eve, we were dating.. secretly. we went to france, and eventually told our friends that we were dating.. i believe this was after he took my virginity (he woke me up, on the couch, because it hurt.. i cried afterwards, and i told myself -and him- that it was because it was wonderful, now i think it was because i was unprepared). we went out for another seven months, but it was all downhill from there.. he was the false messiah. he left me for someone i worked with, right after i told him that if he didn't want to be with me, he should just break up with me. he said, "Ok."
second guy, was mike. mike was different, he was there when i was totally in love with steve, and steve was totally not in love with me. i used to lock myself in the cages in the orchestra room and brood, and he was the only one who'd indulge that 17 year old who wanted to talk about it. probably because he wanted sex. i used him, and i feel bad about it, in a way.. but he knew the situation, he was the mixed messenger. i broke up with him when i was on my fifteen minute break, at work. heartless, i know.
along came mike (a new one, not the old one), whom i sought out.. i met him through a friend, and got his number, and asked him to prom.. he turned into a real relationship, and we were great.. as friends. he was the backrubber. he got seduced by my best friend (at the time), and totally broke my heart, even if i never did more than kiss him.. he had my heart, and he threw it down, and stomped on it.. once he got some sex.
then, jeff was my boyfriend. he was a true and utter arrogant asshole.. completely the vapor trail. he jerked me around, completely. he knew i was someone who didn't feel worthwhile, and he knew he was able to make me feel not-worthless, at the very least.. and he used it to his total advantage. the fucker. he fucked a few of my 'friends', in between professing his love to me.
best of all (doesn't take a lot, i know) came sam. sam was in a relationship when i met him, as was i, etc. we were friends. i appreciated his non-vapor trail-like tendancies. he was stable, and dependable, and totally unlike the mostly-random guys i'd dated before. i thought he was what i wanted, but he always left me with a feeling that i wasn't quite.. enough. because i knew i wasn't. he was the billy goat.
after 3 years of that, there was one person who fell into my lap.. it steve, and he woo'ed me again, for a few months. then i realized that he'd been continually screwing an ex-girlfriend, throughout our "relationship". i ended it all.
after that, i met the guy whom i've had the most chemistry with.. the playboy that i knew. we were awesome.. for a few weeks. then he had sex with an internet slut.
my one sex-only relationship was very soon afterward: with the bachelor was somewhat gratifying at the time, but less satisfying when i was sober and realized what i'd done.
after then, there've been guys who've shared a bed with me, but mainly because i'm terribly concerned (i get a mommy-complex) about guys whom i don't think should be driving home. i care about the nice ones, who need a ride, so i let them share my bed, occasionally. nothing more happens, except for a vast relief on my part, knowing i didn't let someone commit virtual suicide. i haven't had sex, or anything even private-part-oriented, in a year and a half. i could have, but.. i need more than sex.
it's so odd to think about, because today, i'm having major issues over a cheeseburger i ate at 3 am. but even drunk, sitting with friends at the resteraunt, i was feeling guilty, thinking i shouldn't be eating that cheeseburger, and now, stone sober, 9 hours later, i'm wondering if i should eat. if i really need to. that's nothing that ever used to cross my mind. eating out of need was a stupid idea to me 6 months ago. you're probably thinking i was huge. i wasn't.. the last time i weighed myself, i was around 180. that was enough for me to actually do something, though. i knew that if i crossed a certain point, it would feel hopeless. i'm terrified of being hopeless.
i guess i can't explain it as well as i'd like to be able to. it's been months since i actually started paying attention to what i was eating, and still, there are times when i have to devote 5 minutes thought to whether i'm actually hungry, or just.. bored. it's made an even finer point of argument by my recent non-smoker status. also, one of greater concern to me. i haven't weighed myself in six months. i have had a slight urge to do so, ever since i started noticing progress in myself, but it's a scary thought. i'm afraid that if i look at the number, it's not going to be the number i secretly hope it is. i refused to buy a scale, when i wanted one, because i knew it'd become a compulsion, and that i have had eating disorder tendancies (albeit when i was 17) in the past, and i knew that would be a step twards becoming too concerned with my weight again. i didn't want to do that, and i've taken great care to do this in a healthy manner.
i take walks, fairly regularly. lisa just called and asked if i wanted to go for one today, which relieved a bit of my guilt over the cheeseburger. she's been the reason that i've walked, actually, from the beginning. sure, i've got no problem just reflecting, going over things in my mind (over and over and over, lol), but she's my best friend, and she understands me, and gives her own perspective on my reflections, which i really appreciate. and it's mutual, we help each other. walking doesn't take as long when you've got someone to laugh with.
mainly, though, i think the issue was always my eating. i wasn't the cool kid (by any stretch of anyone's imagination, when i was in school. it's fair to say that between the ages of 10 and 15, i didn't have anyone i could call a friend. it was until i was 17, before i felt like i could be able to show my true colors to anyone. that's a long time to be without anyone to talk to. when i look at it that way, i'm not surprised that i don't know what i want to do with my life.. it was only 7 years ago that i started discovering who i was, as a person, and there was a major setback in that process (3 years worth), where i was trying to be someone else again. wow, totally went down a seperate train of thought there. back to topic, during that time, when i was friendless, i read.. a lot. i escaped. i have the same feeling when i'm reading that i do when i'm eating.. it's escape.
i just had a realization that made me smile. i get the same feeling when i'm writing.
OldMan was there, havent seen him since october (at his going away party, i got completely blitzed and let him kiss me. Ew). i was sort of flipping out, as he's supposed to live a couple states away now. lisa remembered, and almost-laughed, so i made her out with her funny thought. she didn't want to, it was "mean" but i told her it was fine. "Well, look on the bright side, he probably doesn't remember you." it IS really funny, but this morning that stings a bit. ah well, i made her say it. i should get over those issues, anyway.
rich, who i worked with an eon ago, when i was still in high school, who now works at a place that i frequent when i'm buying boxes, was there. i've introduced and re-introduced myself to him a few drunken times this year, at the bars, and he always said, "Yeah, i know, i remember," and i never believed him. when i see him and he's working, he usually says, "Hey, girl," or something similar, so i guess i always just assumed he didn't remember my name. not true, haha. he was there, and his face completely lit up when he saw me, and he gave me a hug. very strange. but at least it wasn't a hug-to-fondle situation, just genuine friendly.
ran into jack. stumbled upon him from around the corner of the bar, coming in from outside. i believe my exact words were, "Oh, jesus christ, now i have to put up with you at the bars?! When did you turn 21?" to which his exact words were, "Fuck, they let anyone into this place!" the next time i went outside, he was out there with our friend holly, and the conversation was pretty much the same. holly told jack that he better be nice to me, cause i was sweet, and i told her that it was fine. "Naw, it's ok, we get along great, this is just our particular brand of getting along." jack agreed, and gave me that same look he gives me when we're totally giving each other shit. that was cool. i mean, i've known the conceited little asshole for a year, and nothing has changed in the way we talk to each other. but now, i guess.. i'm a little reassured, deep down. nice to put words to what we do, and have him totally agree, i guess.
did the gum thing, again. no one seemed terribly grossed out when it was resting on my finger, either. didn't even want a smoke - until after flamin joes, then it passed.
also, lisa's sister's husband's brother is totally acting weird. he never used to talk to me, now he's being all.. talking to me. sort of creepy.
ooh, danced my little heart out. had FUN. luke is my dancing-drunk partner, at the bar - he's been that and pretty much only that sort of friend for over a year now. we don't ever see each other sober, and when we see each other (drunk), we dance. i don't feel threatened by him, as he's got a bitchy woman at home, and he doesn't feel threatened by me, as i'm pretty sure he's realized i'm perpetually single. so we have dancing fun, and that's all.. only tonight, lisa said that he was following me around.. dunno, i didn't notice. but then, she was drunker than i am. not something you really look for in your ride home.
Saturday, June 26
have you ever met someone, and gotten along with them so well, you're just waiting for a bomb to drop?
i am very picky about the details in my life.. food, clothes, products. i've got a very finite sense of what i like, and what i dislike, and i dislike to stray from those standards. once and a while, i'll try something new, but more often than not, i'll end up going right back to what i usually use/wear/do.
OMG, i'm going to have a whole herd of cows about this. it's personal, and i didn't want to share it here, so i'm going to. i've lost a bit of weight, but it doesn't seem to me to be as much as my mom (or other people) seem to think it is. so imagine my surprise, when standing up from the toilet yesterday, i saw a STRETCH MARK on my hip. it's not like i bumped into something, either, there's one on either side. when did those crop up? i just barely got rid of the ones i got in puberty! now, by the time i get to skinny (or acceptable, at least).. i'll be unable to bare myself in public.
there is no god.
i really want to delete this, and pretend this side of me doesn't exist, and laugh it off as nothing, but i feel like that's the reason i need to post it.
take a deep breath, me, and stop being sickeningly melodramatic. crazy?
1)It doesn't sound insane. I get the feeling that there is more - there has to be more. It's right around the corner, or behind the curtain, always right outside of your reach. I wonder if it is something one could comprehend. Something tells me it is. Sometimes I feel like this is fake and I play a part in it that everyone else understands but me. And they know it. This isn't real and they know it and they will never tell you. How you could even begin to get to the bottom of this kind of thing? I don't know. I'm glad someone else thinks this from time to time, like I do. You're not crazy. At least I don't think so.
2)I didnt sign the above post, so I'll sign now.
3)i'd tell you that you don't know what that means to me, but i get the feeling that you do know exactly how much it means. thanks for letting me know that even though i might be insane, someone out there knows what it feels like. :)
i was with one of my friends, Jess, i was going with her when she went to talk to Dan (we decided that she had to get the balls up to do so, over dinner last night - she bought, cause she knows i have $0.30 to my name, the sweetheart!). we drove over there, and knocked on the door, he answered and looked terribly happy to see her, just as i'd suspected he would (cause i know everything, in this world).
he took us up to his room. we went in, and all of a sudden, he got all crazy and suspicious, and ran over and closed the closet before (he thought) anyone could see what was in there. but i saw, and it was spiderman, in full costume, hopping around on the closet-walls. quite comical, actually.
Jess didn't notice, of course, and she just thought he was being really.. off and it upset her. so to calm things down, i invited "Jess, you (and maybe a friend, )" over to my house, and told him where it was, so that he could fix things and be normal with Jess.
at the house, we're sitting around, the doorbell rings, and in walks Dan and lo-and-behold, his friend, whom he doesn't introduce.
so we're sitting around the kitchen table, talking, and Jess gets a little too close or is talking weird about something, asking about the friend, she's never met him and is suspicious, etc.. and i save the day, i say, "Oh, Jess.. i've known Peter forEVER, stop being silly" (i know what you're thinking, and yes, it was very heroic.. lol). then i turn to my left, and say, ever-so-smoothly, "So, how has the crime been lately?" Superman (all dolled up in his primary wardrobe, mind you) says, "Really, really very slow.. nothing in a five-mile radius of town!"
at this point both Dan and Spiderman know i'm the best, and awesome, and i think i'm on my way to dating Spiderman, and i wake up.
stupid cat sneezing on me.
that'll never happen.
so instead, i'll be the same as always. hasn't worked yet, but i'll keep trying. i do like the hopeful parts of the feelings i get. i like the feeling parts of the hopeful i get, too.
i'd rather be that hopeful girl, than that bitter bitch.
Friday, June 25
1. Dtrainer peering at me as i screwed up, me telling her that i thought i could do it, just not with an audience, her "completely understanding" and going off to do something else, coming back 2 minutes later and peering, in a loop.
2. Scab Dr. coming up behind me and peering at what i was doing, and teaching me calmly about other, just-as-effective alternatives to the way i was doing things, in a soothing voice, me calming down enough to understand and really GET what he was explaining, just in time for Dtrainer to start smarting off at him for trying to pressure me, him going away, repeat.
3. Due to said above distractions, a couple of the things i had done had a few easily-mended mistakes, and Dtrainer tried to show me how to fix them, breathing too close again. i offered suggestions on what i thought might fix the problem, she'd freak out some more, ScabDr would suggest what i'd just suggested, she'd get puffy and explain why that wouldn't work, ScabDr would go to the other computer and DO it, fixing the problem, and bring over the proof. Dtrainer would "Whew!" loudly, and again, in a loop.
4. Mcashier, older lady, would, every time any of the above would happen, come over and pat me on the back, and smile at me understandingly, which reminded me to take a deep breath, and go at my own pace. repeat.
Dtrainer eventually left, and the whole area gave a huge sigh of relief. high strung? not at all!
- lisa and i were covering up some lies that we told for no good reason (she's bad about that), and for some reason, the only way to fix it accidentally killed a large man, who we then had to pretend to have never seen before, and were being investigated by the police about anyway. never happened, on to another part of the dream.
- we're getting chased around by this panther (who we just know is so-and-so panther's son), and he almost eats me. i think he had a really distinctive look about him.. oh, he kept playing with stuff, in a really threatening way. and just as he was about to catch me (cause he'd catch me, cause i'm slow and i trip over stuff more than i should), the panther-expert (and everyone else) turned around from their safe vantage point, and said, "Oh, don't worry, it's just the baby boy, see how he plays?" i looked, and here the panther was batting at the bottom of the ladder i was on, seconds before he leapt snarling into my face. i think somehow i got out of it, because next thing i know i'm
- accidentally at a wedding reception, with lisa, and she notices that the guys at the next table are the group she was telling me about last night (which might be true, i was drunk the night before, and might not remember the dreams i had.. it seemed familiar..) and she goes and sits with them, and i do too.. but they don't like me. they think i'm harsh and abrasive (which i can be, because i tease and sometimes i take things too far), and they focus all of their attention on her. so i'm feeling alone, and i go to sit on a chair. just after i do so, one of the guys joins me, and we talk for a little bit, and then the bride comes over, and for godknowswhatreason sits in my lap, and asks me how i like her wedding. i'm feeling depressed, but it's a nice wedding, and i tell her it's great. just then, she looks back at me, and says something bride-cheesy like, "It really is, isn't it?" and her eyes tear up, cause she's so happy. she's got the strangest eyes i've ever seen, they're green, and blue, and when she turns her head to the side, one of her pupils disappears, but i don't really care. i almost cry, i might have, (because it was a staggering thing to experience, to be that close to it. it was one of those moments that sometimes happen that you hold onto, forever. it was important, because more than a few times in my life, i've thought, "You know, i'm just going to be single and be happy with it", and i might, and i might be. but there are some things that i'd miss, by staying single, and i think this is one of them. the 'i'm so happy i can't even contain my emotions at my wedding' feeling. someday, i'd like that. back to the dream) and i looked over at the guy who'd joined me, and said a little of what i explained above, but not nearly as much, and he nodded, and i went to stand up, and my knees almost gave out.
there are more, or rather, lisa and i went other places, too, and the same sorts of things happened, but it wasn't as interesting or as moving as this was..
Thursday, June 24
2. and schmoozily hit on, all day long, by someone who shouldn't be hitting on me, and whom i'd be loathe to reject or point fingers at, as he got me my new (as of yesterday) job. also, he's not really truely doing anything or saying anything to me that he's not doing or saying to everyone else. and while i realize that this "feeling" i get, when he says it to me, the feeling that he "means it more", although probably falling under the chemical compound description of sexual harrassment, is the weak link in it, and i've gotten beligerantly pissed off at people who are able to ruin another person's life over a "feeling" that someone "meant something more". because of that, and also because of my hatred of knowingly being a hypocrite, i'm going to be the bigger woman in my own scenario, and NOT tell anyone (save people bored enough to read it here) about what's going on. instead i am going to (schmoozily) refuse his schmoozy proposals, (schmoozily) crush any hopes of getting in my work pants (or casual-wear), and then i'm hoping, because the whole thing was so damn schmoozy from the get-go, that we can schmoozily schmooze over the situation-that-wasn't, and schmooze on happily ever after, as collegues (and collegues ONLY).
3. i am fucking terrified at my job, followed directly by moments where i feel so "on" that i scare myself, rinse, repeat. take eight hours orally, every day, for five days, then off for two, then repeat until empty.
4. in spite of this, i feel like i can do it, and know that i will do it, until such time as i get bored, and know all there is to know about it, and it becomes a job i hate. or i "make a decision which no one, not even my schmoozy boss, can schmooze anyone out of, not of my being bad people, really, just out of me having certain issues, and the people i work for and the policies employed by those persons being in disagreement with the issues i just schmoozed" that was my boss talking, not me. hinthintthat'sallyougetfolksfigureitout.
5. i love the people i work with, they make me laugh all day long, and they think i'm hillarious. this is wonderful.
god, life is confusing, give me a minute to update, before i post.
Wednesday, June 23
i'm at the point where a part of my brain is thinking.. "well, maybe i'll just wash my hair", and the other half is thinking, "NO, YOU LAZY, SLOPPY, SELF-ABSORBED FIEND, YOU'RE NOT JUST GOING TO WASH YOUR HAIR AGAIN.. AND STOP PROCRASTINATING BY BLOGGING, DAMNIT!"
i like the other blog site i was reading just now better. i'm jealous of bruce's blog site. i like his blogging, though, that's a nice feeling.
i dreamed a strange dream involving an olympic sized swimming pool, in which the 'deep end' of the pool, at the side directly opposing myself and my allies, harbored some decidedly dubious-looking plants and objects. the dream consisted of me trying to re-capture the "key", which was NOT, in fact, a key at all, rather a yellow 'diamond' ring of video-game-proportions. i think i need to finish off the fifth season of buffy, maybe then i can dream something a little bit more sane. reflecting.. nope, probably not, remembering the bug dream.
3 messages, when i woke up this morning, on my obsessionous okcupid (is that really a word? if not, i so name thee.. WORD), all from people i really truly enjoy talking to, which is.. splendid ;). none of which were creepy in the slightest, one of which was from a scandinavian country, which i continue to find extremely intriguing.. though not to the point where i'm going to ask him what language he's been speaking since he was approximately 1.5 years old. those europeans, with their strange counters to all of our forms of specifications in life (dollars to euros, gallons to liters [THAT one, i understand ;)], pounds to kilos, feet to meters) make me really paranoid, in that last sentence, that they've come up with some posh alternative to 'years' which i haven't heard of yet, and therefore am inherently un-posh, having said that. also, don't they know that they're the ones who made all those things up? take some pride in your inventions, people. and now, the europeans are thinking, "Goddamnit, we're never living that peanutbutterandcottongin thing down".
Tuesday, June 22
i stored that up tonight, and didn't get to say it, so i thought i would here.
on the plus side, we (lisa and i) thought up some great stuff to do with our hypothetical bar. stuff so good, i don't want to share with the public. also, some other really interesting stuff happened.
1) walking past some slot machines littered with old men, i caught a whiff of a cologne that either: [a) an ex boyfriend of mine or b) some guy i was snuggly with] had used, and it brought back amazing memories, however vague. i told lisa to go on ahead and find herself a machine, and went back, trying to recapture the scent and maybe get more complete in my nostalgia, but failed. ah well. but it makes me wish that it were socially acceptable to walk around sniffing people, so i could have found the correct elderly gentleman and asked him what he was wearing, for clarification.
2) i thought of something that i wish i could tell someone. you know that feeling you get when you find your own thoughts highly amusing, but you know that you couldn't share them, because they wouldn't be taken correctly? my date-du-jour (hopefully for longer, we'll see) is an ex of mine who, at one time, slept with my (former) best friend. i have an intense urge to say to him, "i'd really love to introduce you to lisa.. i will, but you have to promise you won't be fucking her." this is highly unacceptable. i don't want him to be hurt, as bringing that into conversation inevitably would, opening old, poorly-scabbed-over wounds is rarely pleasant, and also because.. even though i know i don't expect them to be sleeping together, the reason i don't is because lisa would never do that to me, not because date-du-jour wouldn't. not that he would, i just don't trust him.. i can't tell him, however inadvertently, that i don't trust him. it's just not something anyone ever wants to hear from a potential long-term partner. i'll keep that to myself. clarification, i trust him, just not when it comes to who he'll be fucking. Yet.
lisar-isms of the night: bingo dink, gambler's cramp, and "i refuse to hold eye contact with your slot machine, it's pissing me off."
i hate watching her put her money in the machine, and watching it dwindle.. but i love her eternal optimism about life in general. also, glad that my own eternal optimism doesn't extend to gambling.
when non-smokers ask me what it feels like to have a nic-fit, i always described them like.. "Being hungry, only.. more in the throat". i'm not sure how much sense that makes.right now, i think i'm actually hungry, because i haven't eaten yet today. but i don't want to go shoving all the available food into my mouth whenever i get the feeling like i might be nic-fitting/hungry.. as i can't seem to ever be able to tell the difference.
i've worked pretty damn hard on losing the weight i've lost, and i'm scared to gain it all back. i think i'd rather be a smoker than lose my progress. but at the same time, i'm sick of feeling like i depend on things. i think i'll make some food.
I was staying at a cottage with a bunch of girls, it was a regular event, because we all had our designated rooms, and no one questioned where theirs was. i was in a room with my best friend, lisa, and some people i went to school with. A little while into the evening, i went to drop something off in the room, and when i got in there, the bed was INFESTED with spiders. But not your normal, unscary spiders, oh, no! These had bodies longer than my hand, and were sort of.. well, cuddly-looking. For some reason, i was terrified, and couldn't move. i must have shrieked or something, as a few of the girls piled in the room, my roommates. Lisa thought it was amusing (completely out of character for her, i'm sure she'd be screaming irl), Jenny started screaming and screaming (rather annoying, actually), and Kim was the only useful one.. found a box to put them in, you know, so we could show people, otherwise they'd never believe. But then, there was a noise. Like a weed-eater. And the big cuddly spiders were forgotten. On the floor, under the corner of the bed, was a little, lime-green, button-shaped bug. On either end, he had silver "legs", about 3 inches long, at the end of each was a tiny silver (sharp!) hook. The noise was the bug, spinning around in a circle, fast. I tried to smoosh it, beneath my shoe, and it just kept spinning. The bottom of my foot, through my shoe, got warm, it was spinning so fast. This was followed by a lot more screaming, a little more stomping, and eventually, he was still enough to try to scoop into the container, which i did. Then i woke up.
Monday, June 21
i think it was because i was reliving a time when i was 17. my "best friend" had done something terribly unspeakable to me, ruined my 17 year old world, and all that came with it. i want to see if i'd still react the way i did then.
do i still get tunnel-vision? do i still shake, and clench my fists, and stand very-oh-so-very still like that? and when i'm telling off the person who pissed me off so royally, would i still do it in a quiet voice? i hope so. i have a feeling i was really very scary, and it pleases me.
i wish i had a video tape of the incident.
everyone always mows their lawn on different days. every day, in the summer, when i wake up, there's a lawn-mower running. they cycle, so i can have memories of waking up in summer whenever i hear a lawn-mower. i think it's sweet of them.