Sunday, May 29

This is My Life

I woke up this morning 3 minutes before the alarm was set to go off. I laid in bed for 2 minutes, too lazy to move. At 1 minute to, I clambered out of bed and set the alarm for 8:30, giving myself an extra half-hour of semi-sleep.

When I woke up, I again clambered (have I mentioned the difficulty - even beyond the normal, everyday difficulty, due to the nature of it - of getting out of that bed?) out of bed, this time with the shower in mind.

I showered as quickly as I could. I have always hated lingering in the shower, even before the drain grew so hairy that the "shower" turned into a "shower/bath". I'm serious. It's even Drain-o resistant. Even off-brand drain-unclogging liquid resistant. I shaved my (lower) legs. I used the shampoo/conditioner samplers I got from Walmart before the trip - "Excuse me, Miss, do you color your hair? Here's a free sample from Pantene, especially for color-treated hair!" - and opted for the rinse-off for the rest of me.

I then went to work. Lawn and Garden kicks ass, if you were wondering. Sure, I love my pharmacy, and I love my title. But sometimes, I really long for that sort of mundane, nothing-really-matters that comes with having absolutely no responsibilities. Plus, these people were my age! At least compared to the ones I'm used to. (Recent observation from a friend - "Man, I know you complain about not having anyone your age to talk to, but I didn't know you meant they were That Old!) So what if 17 isn't exactly in my generation anymore? High school boys and I go together like peas and carrots! Or like some other vegetables that I actually can stomach! Hurrah! Too bad they (the 17 year old boys) never found me this intriguing when I was 17, but beggers can't be choosers, right? RIGHT!

Then I came home. As I pulled up, Bruce was lighting the grill. I told him about my day, and then I sat outside/inside on the couch and read for a while, then read up on the blogs I've been obsessed with lately. Then, I ate the dinner that My Husband had made me. Then, he took the movies back to Family Video and picked us out some new ones to watch. THIS IS THE LIFE, PEOPLE. YOU ALL NEED A BRUCE!

Next, I'm planning on publishing my blog entry, going in to the living room and watching some movies. Just in case you were wondering.

Happy Memorial Day!

Saturday, May 28

Newlywed Roommate*

When I was 21, my ex-boyfriend kicked me out of our apartment. We'd broken up a few weeks earlier, and it was all on good terms (as good as they could be, anyway) and he wanted to make sure I had a place to live. For once in my life, I was actually taking the responsibility upon myself, and actually looking for a place to live. That's MONUMENTAL, people. I'm the girl who waits for things to fall in her lap. At various times in my life I've thought of that particular 'quirk' as 'waiting for fate' and 'fucking lazy'. Either way, I was taking the initiative.

It didn't end up working out that way. My ex downloaded some sort of keystroke-tracking program on his laptop, and caught me emailing "Hi!" to another ex of mine (who'd recently, I have to admit, become something of a crush again). He called me the next day, at work, to tell me that I needed to be out of the apartment that night. Or else. And my stuff? If I didn't get it all today, that the next day, it would be in the foyer of the apartment building waiting for me to pick it up. I was in shock.

I sat at my desk for a little while, and then decided I had to announce to my employers that I might not be able to work there anymore, unless they thought their receptionist would be well-suited to sleeping in her car in the parking lot, and bathing in the tub before anyone got there in the mornings. (This during my stint at the vet clinic, so it actually was feasible, if not attractive.

One of the vets, however, offered me her spare room, "Until you find your own place". It was the single most kind act anyone had ever shown me, and I still get teary thinking about it. She even borrowed her husband's truck the next day, and us (2) girls spend about an hour loading all my shit from the entryway into the bed of the truck. Did I mention we had about 3 feet of snow that Februrary? Yeah, we rocked.

She let me stay at her house for 2 weeks, until I'd found a room to rent in a girl's condo.

I think that's the reason I don't feel the slightest bit put-out with having a friend stay at my place when he needs a home. M is having some problems with his P, and no one is sure where they will lead. As far as I know, he's looking into getting a duplex nearby, and he and Bruce want to get (temporary) jobs at the telemarketing place that's always hiring. Just so he has some income, and can afford living on his own, until he finds something better.

The past few days, he and P have been hanging out more often, and we're not sure where it'll lead. That's not really the point, though. I'm really welcoming the chance to put that good karma back into the world.

I hope everyone always has somewhere to go when things go to shit and they think they have no where to turn. Even if it's your parents' house. Cause god knows, I've done that a few times, too.

*Yes, I'm a little eensy bit bitter about the timing, but that can't be helped. The situation, however, can be helped, and that's what really matters.

Sunday, May 22

We're Back

Yes, we've been back for almost a week.

No, I'm not about to extrapolate on why we haven't been able to get to the computer and type things.

Yes, our newlyweddedness is great.

No, we're not getting much done.

Yes, if we were used as a rule for 'How Couples Behave When Newly Married', the list might include, 'A General Refusal to Do Anything Resembling Unpack or Blog'.

No, I don't know when the blogging will become more regular.

Yes, I am the happiest girl in the whole wide world.

No, you may not comment on the use of my husband's ass in one of these pictures.

Yes, I would like some comments.

Saturday, May 7

Crazy Wedding Beginnings

"So Long!
Auf Viedersehen... etc."

And also:

"Goin' to the chapel, and we're

gonna get married

Goin' to the chapel of love."

Only less with the chapel, and more with the love.

We're on our way.

Send happy thoughts, if you send any.

Will everyone arrive on time? To the correct hotel? Will Bruce's friends hate me? Will someone object the the wedding? Who is Lisa's "Guest"? Will Mom and Dad remember to bring my wedding ensemble? Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of... Crazy Wedding Adventures!

Friday, May 6

The Huge Owie

On Tuesday, I was fixin' to give that thar varment a treat, when I noticed he had a big ol' mess on one of his dat gum feet.

I holler'd at the old man to come have a gander, and durned if he didn't see it too. We were plum outta our minds with fright. We used the telly-fone to call the varment-fixer, and they weren't too werked up. Said we should use the telly-fone to call them back if it looked a might worse, otherwise not to worry.

Looks to me, he tried to jump on that thar counter-top, and knocked that thar candle down on hisself. Little shit for brains. I'm scratchin' my noggin over here, though, cause surely we'da heard somethin', either the knockin' of the candle, or the wailin' of the cat. Who knows?

Anywho, I was all wrinklin' my forehead, worried about him maybe havin' broked it or somethin', but it's been a few days, and it's not purdy, but it seems to be workin'.

So's any of you have any idears?

Wednesday, May 4

Tidbits and Conundrums

We recieved a wonderful email from Bruce's mom today. She gave us a beautiful gift of words, in lieu of being personally at the ceremony.


Bruce went to our friends' house today, and after a few hours, I joined them. Things aren't going so well over there. I hope they both remember that they have friends who love them. I also hope that their little boy doesn't feel the huge feeling of "alone" that B's mom talked about in the email. I hope they spare him that.


My life is good. I love Bruce so much.. it's overwhelming. He treats me with so much respect, love, and utter devotion. I hope I can always tell him how much he means to me.


The kitten, despite the huge owie on his toe-toe, is doing fine. He seems to be able to get around without any pain whatsoever, and he was even climbing up the (GODDAMNED) screen to the (DON'T YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T GO OUT THERE) patio. So that's good. Also his (DON'T YOU FUCKING CLAW ME, BASTARD) nail is able to un-sheath, which was one of my biggest (OW! OW! YOU FUCKER!) concerns. That's a relief, because we didn't want to have to vet him before the trip, and worry about him the whole time we were away.


Speaking of away, I want to thank my friend for looking after him while we're gone.


I'm afraid that I'm marrying one of very best men in the world. Sorry girls, this one's all mine. You want one of your own? Go find your own.

I love you, Bruce.

Despite the Post Below, I Am

So excited!

Are you? Isn't it just enough to make you fit to burst?

I'm jumping up and down, here. (If you feel the earth go a little wonky, it's probably due to my excess 30lbs. Don't worry, I can't keep up this pace for very long.)

I just want to SQUEAL IN JOY. (I typed JOB, but that doesn't make any sense at all, does it? NO!)

So, anybody want to come to my wedding? Because, guess what? YOU ARE ALL TOTALLY INVITED!

Exciting, isn't it?

Sunday, May 1

Mom Called Today, and Talked to Bruce

Thank you, friend.

Thank you for choosing me.

Thank you for fitting so well into my life.

Thank you for teaching me.

Thank you for learning from me.

Thank you for showing me how much you love me, every day.

Thank you for being grateful for my love.

Thank you for letting me know my boundaries.

Thank you for never going to bed angry.

Thank you for watching over me.

Thank you for loving my family.

Thank you for watching my family, when I wasn't there to do it myself.

Thank you for always being happy to see me.

Thank you for never wanting to see me leave.

Thank you for putting your head out the window in the car.

Thank you for trusting me.

Thank you for being someone I can trust with my life.

Thank you for laying with me on the couch.

Thank you for being so soft, ever so soft.

Thank you for sleeping in my bed when I was lonely.

Thank you for loving the stuffed raccoon I bought you for Christmas this year.

Thank you for patiently waiting for me.

I'm sorry I wasn't there at the very end.

Goodbye, sweet Augie. Know that I loved you with all my heart.

This is Nice..

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

*3 have done time for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots
that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.