Saturday, July 31

Dorks at the Stadium! Posted by Hello

Miller Park Posted by Hello

Wow, everything reminds me of you. Posted by Hello

I like this one.. Posted by Hello

The brat fry was sponsored by M.A.D.D. I couldn't, I felt like a hypocrite. Posted by Hello

Yup, that there's a manure spreader. On the highway. Posted by Hello

Cheese! Posted by Hello

Superman vs. Super Man

one of my exes got a tattoo while i was dating him, it was probably the stupidest one i've ever seen. he wanted superman (big deal, right?).. only he didn't want superman the way everyone else wanted superman. he wanted the whole superman. he got it. it looked.. silly. to be honest, it was one of the poorest attempts at being different that i've ever seen.

"It's like.. instead of saying, 'i like superman', you're saying, 'wow, i really like that super man'."

Neanderthal Charm

we've decided, there's something, some part of us that still gets swoony at someone coming to our collective rescue with a sidle and an, "Excuse me, is there a problem here?"

Lisa, Making Me Laugh

(to the crying child who didn't want his mommy to leave to join us at perkins)
Lisa: "Oh, it's ok, honey.. if you let us go, i'll bring you back a giant muffin!"
Sarah: "If i scream and cry next time you leave me, will you promise me a giant muffin, too?"

(when drunk, mixing metaphores like i do)
"God, that just drives the nuts outta me!"

(talking about how it's not fair, some of the times she was mad at me in the past..)
Lisa: "Well, i hide it, it's not like anyone would know i'm after that guy. Plus, it's totally unfair of me to lay claim to all of the good guys i have contact with.. i shouldn't just be putting them on hold."
Sarah: "The back burner.."
Lisa: "Exactly, i shouldn't be putting them on the back burner to simmer, like gravy. totally unfair of me to hate you over guys no one knows i want.. especially if i'm taken and just keeping them on hold for when i might be single again."

To His Coy Mistress

(should have guessed the truth from the title, methinks.. ah well. Lesson.. learned!)

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down, and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love's day.
Thou by the Indian Gorges' side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood,
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow;
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on they forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.
But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long-preserved virginity,
And your quaint honor turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust:
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.
Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may,
And now like amorous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour
Than languish in his slow-chapped power.
Let us roll all our strength and all
Our sweetness up into one ball,
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.
-Andrew Marvell

(as copied over and sent by the ex-boyfriend whom i was unknown mistress of, along with this note: "18 May, 2002/Hey there sweet thang -/ Just thinking about you this afternoon. Having kind of a bad day, but it's all good when I'm thinking about you. I should just keep on doing that. Life seems so damn good when I'm with you. I should just keep on doing that. Someday../Love You, Steve.", who is now married and father to a child by the girl he turned to when his girlfriend and i, the other woman, discovered the truth about what he was doing to us.)

Angsty 19 again...

Need/Deep/under my skin/in my bones/there is/an aching need/flaming desire/for one/one who/ignites my passions/effortlessly/with a touch of/his hand/my flesh is/aflame/consumed/leaving nothing/but the/skeletal frame/of my/needy bones/for him/to caress.

(i remember writing this one, wishing that i could tell someone i was with that it was in dedication to him, but knowing that i couldn't, because it wasn't true, and he'd know it, from the lack of that same fire and openness to him. i wanted you before i knew you..)


remind me to show you.. and tell you why.

why they were good, and why they were bad. and why it matters, but it doesn't.

someone made me think of a thing i've said in the past, when i started being with someone new, and i found it difficult to agree with, for the first time ever. not because i really had anything great to say about the past experiences i've had, but because what i've got now is so much more, and it really gives me something to compare you to. there's so much more.. and the fact that i know what it could be like, and isn't is just simply astounding.

that was so odd. perfect, but odd. i bet i'm the only one in 50 square miles who's ex was convinced she was a lesbian.. while dating her. your whole take on that situation was amazing, and it makes so much sense.

i heard that little change-up in your voice that meant you were trying not to get mad at someone who'd hurt me. i love you because you got mad, and because you stifled it, knowing that i wasn't mad, and it probably wasn't appropriate. just because he hurt me, you were angry, and that makes me happy (you know, that part of me that's a girl, that part gets happy). just because i'm willing to learn, and to grow, and to appreciate the way it made me, you decided to hide it from me, and i love you because of that. you trust me, and my judgement, and that means the world to me.


what the hell is up with fashion lately? lisa and i spent an hour going through a TERRIBLE sears catalogue yesterday.. the men's big and tall.. when did dressing like a woman turn cool? some of these guys were wearing what appeared to be 2-piece moo-moos. there were FAR too many stars&stripes themes. v-necks on guys? ok, that's fine. v-necks that plunge deeper than anything i'd wear? not so much. peasant tops? i don't think so. sleeveless is fine, if you're in a wifebeater. if you're in a vest/shirt/etc.. best be certain it doesn't look TAILORED to be that way, if you want something like that to be something i'll be seen with you in, cut off your own damn sleeves. or buy it somewhere trendy that makes them look homemade. call me a hick, but i'll take a wifebeater over a blouse on a man, anyday. especially if they call it that. here are some examples (i shit you not!) of the names of colors men are wearing nowdays:

Dusty Jade

what ever happened to the names men are supposed to call colors? like green, blue, red, black.. i mean, where did all this girly crap come from? to quote myself, "What happened to men's clothing being simple, like men should be." someone brought to my attention the idea that because women are stealing away all men's glory, they're taking over some of our girly stuff. sorry, if this is your thing.. but a manicure isn't ever anything i want to hear requested as an anniversary present.

what was the name of those crazy fucking pants from 10+ years ago, with all the colors? it's eating my brain, not knowing.

Sarah: "i know he'll like it - you know how? cause he's like me, only with a penis."

Lisa: "Oh, and plus, he's a guy."


Sarah -
thank you for loaning me $10.00 and i paid you back - in time to buy some tampons.
Love Joe

PS: cheaper at dollar store

words cannot express how grateful i am that you didn't pay me back in tampons.
Love, Sarah


Everyone gathers for the never planned, always varied Sunset Celebration on the Mallory Dock. Once the sun is safely tucked away by jugglers, mimes, musicians and street artists, the city moves to a different beat. A night beat. The streets, filled with sidewalk cafes, open-air bars, legendary pubs and world-class restaurants come alive. Gourmets and gourmands alike treat their palates to island specialties. Drama, musicals and comedy flourish on our stages. As you enjoy these sights, you'll discover that modern Key West is a warm-hearted place where all are welcome. The city's vibrant Gay and Lesbian Community helped spearhead the island's economic and social revival in the 1980's.

and i only skimmed, before i pasted it. this is for me to read tomorrow, when i'm awake and i want..

Friday, July 30

you thought, even for a second, even for the smallest-ever amount of time, that i looked like that?  are you nutso crazy?  did you lie about the insano?  i'm overwhelmed, no one has ever compaired me to anything like that before, and meant it the way i know you do.  god, i love you.


i got to get down to some important business that i've been trying to do that forever, it seems like, and i'm so relieved.  i feel accomplished, to the extreme.  just good, and relaxed, because i was able to get it off my mind.  it'll be great, and it will be ok, because i was able to do that. 

god, i was thinking about this, what needed to get done, constantly - at work, when i couldn't do what needed to be done, even - and it frustrated me, to extreme. 

but that's all gone now, all i feel is the good again, that utter satisfaction that comes along with being able to do that which has been weighing down your thoughts with it's everpresence.  it's good, it's great, it's wonderful.  i feel like i need a nap, all the stress is gone. 

even if it's only temporary. 


i found this blog by accident, and it makes me smile.  i'm not going to tell you whose it is, or where it is, but it really makes me happy to read it, and i think it's great.  keep your chin up, you, because it's important.  look on the happy, when you smile, your world smiles back.  it's very important.  i even started a list of rules for my life, because of that thought.  they are as follows:

Rule #1 - Smile!

there's this whole
theory that i haven't really gotten into investigating, not totally, but it links up to stuff like this, and this stuff really makes me think hard, because it makes sense to me.  i think it's true, and i want to share, because it's what i did.  and i'm working on the have now, and it's fucking awesome.  s'cuse the language.  and that makes me want to share it with people who i think deserve to smile, and that includes that person who's blog i've been reading and loving most recently.  chin up, and smile, hon. 

uh, i guess that's my only rule, so far. 

(that second link, i did WITHOUT the aid of that thing i've been using to tell me how to do stuff like that, and i feel really very very smart about it.)

(what's even better?  i just assumed that it would work.. and it didn't, lmao, not the first time around, when i wrote that first comment.  life is so funny, i love it.)


i sort of halfway remember hiding that pack that i bought last night, and i don't remember where.  i've decided i really need to figure out what i like more, being a smoker, or being a non.. because i can't really remember from time to time.  i think i'm not going to be a smoker.  especially if i can't find that pack i hid from myself. 

if i find it, do you think it's a sign?
The Strange Attractor
Category VI - The Strange

Though you're not quite sure why, people are drawn
to you like moths to a flame.  You really
are too cool for words.

What Type of Social Entity are You?
brought to you by


he's a townie.  not forever, not seriously, but a townie staple, nonetheless.  everyone recognises him, because he walks the streets.  everyone knows someone who knows him, everyone knows someone who he owes something to.  mostly money, sometimes recognition.  he should know who i am.  i remember intimate details about him - he doesn't, about me, and it's not expected, he didn't know much to begin with - but he should remember that i know something about him.

he's the delivery-boy now.. and the people i work with know his not-so-proud nickname.  they find it funny, like i do.  they think he's a joke, but i know he's not.  he's had hard times, like the cafe i used to go to, only with less free rent.  we're not going to be surprised if the order doesn't show up someday.  he's no-job bob.  i'm not the only one in pharmacy who's seen him in compromising positions.  megan and i should have been friends long before now. 

we've decided that we know each other.  we were drunk, or stoned, or both, and it was years ago, but i'm sure we've met before.  the crazy part is, we each find each other familiar, and have since day 1, when i started with the company.. but neither of us said anything, for fear that we'd get that contempt that some people have when you bring it up.  we're familiar, but we've got no clue where from, which party, who we were with, who's house.  it's funny. 

she didn't believe it out of me the same way i didn't believe it out of her, because we're both so innocent in appearance.

Thursday, July 29


i got a shirt a while ago, and i loved it, even though i'd promised myself that i wouldn't advertise for things i've nevr seen , or places i'd never been.. or jeans i'd never be able to afford.. on my clothing.  it's a tank top that says hawaii on it, and i love it.  i changed my philosophy on shirts because of that one shirt.  i even bought one that said california.. and then decided that i'd buy shirts that said the names of ALL the states i'd never been to, cause it's ironic and funny.

i'm wondering if i can someday scratch "florida" off the list of shirts i need to buy, given my new philosophy.  i'm thinking it would be wonderful, to be able to.  i don't really believe it, and i won't.. until it happens, because i hate to get my hopes up, but i think it would be amazing.

no, i know it would be.  just like the amazon, only with less bloodsuckers.


well.. i guess it's me..

The Strokes
Garage rock! I like you... I like you alot! You
and indie are on the same plane for me! You
bring rock'n'roll down to its dirty roots,
whether being minimalist like The White Stripes
or retro like The Strokes. You keep on doing
what you're doing! Oh...and did I mention I
like you alot?

What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

See Below for Description Posted by Hello
(sometime, december, 2003)
   My car is breaking down.
   There is a good reason for this: I am a lazy non-mechanic. Actually, that’s the prevailing reason that all of my cars have broken down. That and I have received them ALL at least third hand, from someone who bought them as cheap intermediaries, while their loan was going through (for example).
   My car is making a funny noise. A light, high-pitched sort of “ca-chunk, ca-chunk”. It seems to be coming from a fan or vent somewhere in the dashboard directly in front of me. That would be driver’s side, for those of you who are a little slow. The noise probably started a while ago.  Chances are, I was playing my radio too loudly to notice it. Or maybe there were other warning signs that I should have noticed, but didn’t. Actually, it’s highly probable that it was BOTH of the above, and that’s why it’s exceptionally hard to tell my dad that there’s something wrong. Well, that and Daylight Savings Time.
   You see, my dad gets home from work after 4:00 pm, which in Wisconsin, in December, is after dark. If I were to bring up my car problems after dark, they’d be met with an angry look and an exclamation. I like to avoid that combination whenever possible. So I’m waiting for a time when both of us are home, and it’s light out, to tell him. I’d like to wait for him to be in a good mood, but that’s a bit like having my cake and eating it too (or in my case, owning a vehicle, and having it be reliable).
   Before you say anything, I have to get this in. Yes, I DO know that because I haven’t told him, it’s probably getting worse everyday. Oh, I didn’t mention that I’m still driving it? Well, I have to, to get to work, you see. And asking to use my mom’s car would arise immediate suspicion. But don’t worry, it’s only being driven to necessary destinations. Like work. And McDonalds. Hey, a girl’s gotta eat, you know.
   Dad has a good reason for the angry face/exclamation. You see, he’s not a mechanic, either. Unfortunately, he happens to be the sort of man who’s really useful in almost all other aspects. He can make incredible things out of wood, he chops wood and mows the lawn for fun, he’s an awesome fix-it man. It’s not his fault that he can’t listen to a car run, and immediately ascertain it’s problem. No one can be Superman in ALL walks of life.
   So, I think that tomorrow, I’ll tell him about my little problem. During daylight hours. After I buy him some beer. Hopefully, I can limit his reaction to just an exclamation. Or an angry face. So long as it isn’t both. Let’s just hope my car makes it home tonight. And maybe to McDonalds.

that right there is a happy, camera-shy dude. Posted by Hello

makeshift garden.. that's dad's tomatoes in the back. Posted by Hello

so who wants to help wage war on the bastards? Posted by Hello


i'm upset, slightly, that no one responded to the post when i asked people to tell me if they read my blog.  i shouldn't be, but there's a few reasons behind it.

am i the only one who, when i read someone's blog, i wonder about the other people who read it, and click to see if they've got their own blogs?  does that friend of yours, and do the other friends of yours really not care enough about the person you're obviously so taken with, that they aren't checking to see?  i want your friends to care.  more for your sake, than mine. 

if i were them, and you were me, i'd be totally reading up on myself.  this doesn't apply to amy (who does, i know) or to you (because i know you read).. but to the other people. 

i'm asking you in order to reassure myself that you guys care enough to be reading up on me.  whether you like me or not isn't the issue, i just want to know that you're researching, i guess.  reassure me that you guys care enough to read what i've got to say?  reply please.  you deserve the friends who'll be snooping around for you, because they care.

Wednesday, July 28

s: squirrel
s: black one
b : lol
s: we've got a HUGE population of black squirrels in this town
s: it's almost 1/2
s: my grandpa used to think it was amazing, and so special every time he saw one.
s: they make me think of him
b : wow thats alot of black squirrels
s: yes, i wanted to research why once.
s: forgot, or gave up, or don't know enough science to do it right..
b : that would be a hard one to research
s: we should delegate it to amy
s: she's all sciency
b : :-D

To Post, Revisited

  1. honking
  2. rest of songs
  3. type a positive
  4. b negative

Tuesday, July 27


the message on mike's voice mail says:

Hi, you've reached Mike.  I'm away from my desk right now, but if you leave your name and your number, i'll be sure and get back to you. Thank you.

i'm THOROUGHLY amused by this for several reasons.  not the least of which is the idea that he can be away from his "desk" and unable to answer his cell phone.

also, because it reminds me of his old message, the one i used to listen on his answering machine at his house, just to hear his voice.  to this day i know it by heart.. "You have reached 7**, nine-three, nine-five.  Please.  Leave a message, and we'll get right backtaya."  if you want, i can do my impression on the phone. 

but his professional manner on the phone really impressed me, always has, it's very polite, and it reminds me of your work-phone-voice.   i liked it again when i called, just now.  i'm glad you don't use it all the time, though.  i only want to hear it when you're working, ok?  and that way, too, you'll know that you're completely making me.. anticipation again.

Mike, Revisited

i remember mike because i see you in mike. 

mike, when mike was happy and carefree, was happy and carefree and did crazy things that made everyone i was around cringe sometimes, and made me look at him the way i was looking at him in that picture.  he awed me, when he was happy and crazy like that.  i loved him for being brave, and for doing stuff that he knew would make people cringe.. because it would make people cringe. 

you're reminiscent of mike in a lot of ways.  the way you're willing to do things and not care what people think.  the way you're open, and you get along with nearly everyone.  the way that people flock to you - yes, i've noticed that - and the way that you find humor in things that people normally don't.  you even have a look on your face sometimes that looks like a look mike had on his face sometimes.  when i was 17, mike was really truly what i wanted.  i yearned for him, because of all those things in him that i see in you.

i longed for mike a lot.. i wanted him to want me, and i spent a long time wishing he would.  he just didn't have it in him, though, and i don't blame him for that anymore.  that look he used to give?  he didn't aim it at me, he aimed it at jakie.  but it's ok, now.  he's realized it was a waste (which my self-confidence needed before i really forgave him), and i've gotten a good friend from the deal - that's all that really matters.. truely.  he helped me to see part of who i wanted to be with, that big part of him that reminds me so much of you.


  1.  one of those songs i loved before i knew it.  i loved that i could tell that they were from texas, just from their voices, before i asked, and that someone was impressed that i could tell. 
  2. very.. synthesizer.  it's cool.  like the voice, it's very well put-together.  which sounds like a sexual comment.  i talk in sex lately.  i love that title part, when it gets good.  can't explain it well, but i like it a lot.  expressive song, i guess.
  3. she's got a cool voice.  i like it.
  4. that's exactly the reason i love it, because you used to.
  5. i loved this song from the first second it started.  i love that you explain them.  i love it how you did it, and it makes me so happy.
  6. hey, i know this song.  i like this song.  it's one that i never knew the name of.  great feeling.
  7. ooh, i really really like this one, too.  never heard it before.  it's nice, makes me feel sexy.  plus, i've always had a spot in my heart for the the bands.  just for having a really funny title as a genre of band.  love it.
  8. you're right.  pretty song.
  9. skipped it for now.
  10. i love the title.  great song, you're right.  baring the soul of the song - i love that.

i'll comment on the others later, i think, i'm too busy watching you to really listen right now.

"you vsny fo iy riyhrt" gives me shivers still.

"i sound like a fortune cookie today" from Karen. 

my two new favorite people that don't seem new at all have beautiful things to say.

shaking again, but it's her. the guy in the corner is the one who picked me for the job.  Posted by Hello

Karen. she taught me a lot today, mostly stuff about myself. she's got a crush on me, too. it's all very wonderful - she told me she feels like she's known me forever. Posted by Hello
all of a sudden i've got this intense feeling that i could never ever be good enough for someone this perfect, and a secret sort of feeling that at least i tricked him enough so that i'll get to see him, if nothing else, at least i'll have that little time to see him and feel him and look at him before he realizes what i really am.

i have a feeling my care package isn't sufficient, but also a feeling that you won't think that way, so i guess we'll have to wait and see.  i have a tendancy to get flippant on people, so that i can make sure they don't think they're hurting me when they decide they can live without me.  there might be some of that involved.  hearts hearts hearts.  don't believe me when i get that way, everever.
that smell - it's like instant tears, but happy. and that feeling, in a can, only not in a can.

i am totally having an affair.  on my phone.  with a shirt.  i'm carrying it around with me, holding it on my shoulder.. only because if i put it on, i won't be able to take it off, and that's just plain.. silly.  i took a picture, but it might be too creepy for the rest of you to appreciate - and i only want to share it with one person.  only they get to see the me that's that creepy. 

i just realized that it's absurd that he thinks that's a good thing.  in an oh-my-god-please-get-here-now sort of way.

i would show you the better (more encompassing) picture, but i think i WAS shaking, because it's the most blurry picture i've ever taken. there's a snippet of the most wonderful writing that i've ever had no problems reading - haven't read that part of it yet - and god i wish i could post a smell, but i want to keep it all for mine, too. Posted by Hello


i thought i was going to go in early today, and talk to karen, but i don't think so anymore. 

augie went nuts, as usual, and i heard the most beautiful noise ever.. like a garbage truck, only it leaves stuff, and the stuff isn't garbage.  that squeeky noise that means something great is coming.  and the man in brown said, "First stop of the day."  and i almost cried, because someone paid more, and it worked.

i hope that after i open it, i'll be able to get to work when i'm scheduled to be there.


i never really thought this about me, but a relative said it last week (friday, on vacation), and i think it struck a chord.  she said something about me being, "just how i remember, you, sarah, never able to sit still," and i think she's right.  i'm twitchy, slightly.  nervous.  always waiting for something to happen, always expecting something, always afraid i'll miss out on it when it does.  it's just how i am, and i'm getting excited now, and it's getting worse.

i can't sleep, without aids - usually the boxed variety - and that's something that makes me upset.  when i wake up, i can't get back to sleep (when i'm happy, and right now, i'm on-the-verge-of-tears-happy constantly), because my mind starts moving, and i can't (or don't want to) stop it.  it's so frustrating. 

i feel like that donkey.  you know, the one that's being made to run so fast for that carrot on the fishing pole (that's how i always saw it as a kid).  there's this amazing, wonderful, indescribable thing that's right there, in front of my face, and completely out of my reach.  i love it.  ten days is for-eh-VER. 

but i need an alternative method to falling asleep.  yoga, eh?  very interesting.


seeing how sexy other people think that the guy i'm completely in love with would be a bad thing, it'd make me feel jealous, and non-comparitive.  for some reason, this is not the case, and i find it terribly amusing.

also, sexy.. other girls wanting him (you) and him (you) only wanting me makes it indescribably sexy.

Monday, July 26


i'm going through pictures that make me want to cry.

not because i love them, not because i love her, but because they make me want to be able to feel that for a girl again.. totally unsuspicious.  i miss having that sort of girlfriend.  it's something she took away from me, by being who she is, and it makes me want to bawl, just because it's so terribly wrong, not only for girlfriends to treat each other like that, but for people to treat each other that way. 

i'm showing them to him (you), and completely hoping he doesn't find her sexy.  impossible to dream about, really, but it might happen.


my family doesn't close the door when they go to the bathroom.  when i say family, i mean my mom, mostly.  i've inhereted this unincognito technique to urination (anything heavier than pee, and i DO close the door).  it's a side of myself that few people (none, really) have seen, and it's intensely personal, but i love it, because it reminds me of how free my mom is with all of us, and how open i want to be, should i choose to have kids someday.

bear in mind, it took me a while to appreciate it.  when i was younger, and even sometimes today, it's a little embarassing.  i've got to make damn sure everyone is fully clothed and/or doors are closed before i bring anyone over to visit.  it's standard procedure to yell "Hello!?" when i come in the door with a friend.  lisa knows, and she makes sure and yells "Knock knock!" when she comes in.  [i yell "knock, knock" back, but that's as a running joke from the time she yelled it first, and i meant to reply "Who's there?" and did it wrong.  it's been a slight load on my life, that my mom can't keep her door closed in the bathroom.]

Sam had a big issue with the bathroom.  it could have been for any number of reasons.. a diffferent background, 2 siblings, strange parents.. but for whatever reason, he not only always shut the bathroom door.. he also always locked it.  it seemed odd to me, because we lived together for 3 years, 2 of which were without roommates other than each other.  why on earth would he have to lock the door?  i really don't WANT to see him shitting.  if he's not in the rest of the apartment (all 3 rooms of it), i'm pretty sure (especially if the door's closed) that i'll be able to discern where he is.  it just seemed like a barrier that didn't need to be there, i guess.  it made ME self-conscious, and lock the door when i was in there.  which was odd, for me.

our bathroom didn't have a lock-mechanism until i was ~14.

did you know what i meant when i told you there was a name for those eyes?  really? 
focused and intent and just.. focused.  god.  serious and transfixed, and staring and focused, and sexy and god i can't breathe, i want a prescription drug..

Jakie and Jeff

are getting married.  they've become re-engaged.  i'm counseling mike through the process.  not only did he choose her over me, he spent 6 years with her, getting jerked around emotionally, while she was fucking jeff.  yes, you heart right.  (<----that?  that was a hello slip-up.  i normally would have corrected it, but i want you to think about the shower of hearts.)

[watching you be resourceful is hot in a very masturbatory way, i think, oddly enough.. i have a feeling you're doing the exact same thing that i would be doing, talking to them in exactly the same manner i would, were i on the phones with them.  except you've got sway, which is normally hot, goes back to hunter/gatherer times, methinks.  nonetheless, very very sexy to see you doing.  because i think you're using the techniques i use, and i think that the ones i use are the best, and the idea that you came to the same conclusions on how to treat people to get them to bend to your will is incredibly sexy in a very arrogant way, to me.]

i got a cd one time, from a good friend of mine, from online (actually, 3 cds), and it was amazing, how many of the songs were songs i always wanted to know the name of.. here's a few that i love:  there is, prisoner of society, alcohol, good riddance - a live version?, underground, americana, band on every corner, don't you know who i am?, calypso (in the beginning of 10 things i hate about you) <--- and that's all just one cd!

listen up all you crazy insanos who read my blog and don't comment EVER<-- START FREAKNING COMMENTING.  i adore feedback, tell me if you love me, or if you hate me, and why, if you're so inclined.  also, tell me how often you check back, i am just arrogant enough to want to know all the details about you - so long as they pertain to myself.

i've got a visitor coming, and i could literally bust/melt with anticipation. 



This is a work in progress.. check back for links as i update it.

Country Store, Smalltown:

hacker pschorr munich, hacker pschorr weisse, corona (extra and light), heineken, pilsner urquell, bass, becks, st pauli girl, fosters, heineken special dark, amstel light, grolsch, michelob (ultra light, GD, GD light, amber boch, honey lager, light)[<-- check on those, are they right?], aspen edge (?), goose island oatmeal stout (chicago), mickeys, rolling rock (first beer i remember drinking, and going, "Mmmm, beer" to), killians, blue moon (belgian white), labatt blue, bud&light 6oz cans (they make those?  just don't see the point), bud&light ices, coors light, bud&light 12oz cans (more like it) and bottles, miller lite 12oz cans, bottles, safety (plastic) bottles (so if you're at a concert and want to hit someone, it won't break, it'll just hurt a lot), miller genuine draft cans&bottles, busch (regular, light, and ice), capitol brewery (special pilsner, wisconsin amber, bavarian lager), sierra nevada pale ale, sunrye ale's red hook, point (special lager and white biere (that first e needs an accente grave - forgive the poor french spellings, i forgot most of them), special export, leinenkugels (origional, honey weisse, red lager, amber light, creamy dark, berry weisse), red stripe, samuel adams (boston lager, light, creamy stout, cherry wheat)

Pick'n Save, Smalltown:

milwaukee's best (regular, light, and ice), hamms (premium, GD, and special light), natural (light and ice), Blatz (regular and light), bud dry, red dog, keystone (regular and light), miller high life (regular and light) (the champagne of beers - had to include that),  old milwaukee, old style, pabst blue ribbon, extra gold slow brewed lager, coors (regular and light), strohs (regular and light), old style GD (? since when?) and light (again with the ?), guiness, fosters special bitter, molson (golden and canadian), woodchuck amber, sprecher special amber, berghoff (famous amber ale, genuine dark lager), corona (in cans?)

2J's Liquor
olde english 800 (needed to put all your minds at ease, so i threw it in), labatt blue light, kirin lager, sapporo premium beer, newcastle brown ale, harp lager, tsing tao (chinese beer?!), moosehead lager, cervesa pacifico clara (mazatlan), tecate (hecho en mexico), dos equis, negra modelo, murphy's pub draught stout, warsteiner ("because life's too short to drink cheap beer" - priced at 12 pack for $12.99), boddlington's pub ale, mississippi mud (slow brewed black and tan beer), grolsch and warsteiner available in 5L kegs - with convenient built in taps?!  heaven! - important elephant, spotted cow (new glarus brewing company)

this is the list of beer available at our local stores..

and heres a few fun wines i found, in 2J's:

dom perignon $118.95, fonseca vintage porto 2000 $109.99,

our very own wisconsin varieties, including those made out of:

blackberry, cherry (dry and sweet), strawberry, peach, plum (my dad makes that sometimes!  we have a plum tree in the backyard), blueberry, elderberry, cranberry, rhubarb (Hahaha!)

ranging in price from $6.49 to $11.99 (for the elderberry, cause i knew you'd want to know, cause i'd want to know).

just goes to prove that our favorite statewide passtime is clearly:  "Making everything that grows into a form of intoxicating beverage."

note, 2J's has the most expensive box wine in town, strangely enough.


i need to get better at my aim, i think. anyways, here's one who keeps nuzzling the phone, obsessed with him (you). Posted by Hello
when i read that this morning, i didn't let myself think about it, because it was too much, i couldn't get like that before work, i blew it off.  i'm glad i saved it for now, because.. i don't think i'd have been able to leave.  i'd have kept him home from work.  knowing his reaction, and completely knowing he's genuine, it's almost too much.  i've got to reread that thing about not crying that i wrote yesterday - i wrote it for me, too.  as a reminder.  i need reminding, right now.

Ok, so maybe i was wrong.

this is what i woke up to, on the counter:

Sarah - I left for vacation with the kitchen cleaned up.  All I asked was for you to Keep it that way & to unload the washer.
And I can't get near the computer - please clean that area up.  You know i'll do the kitchen.  as always.

Holy Passive Aggressive, Batman! 

so then when my dad came in, and said something about me trying to do something in the kitchen before work, of course i cut him off - "I KNOW, dad".  and then i felt bad, and tried to explain, but i think i made it worse, cause it hurt me too much to say without showing that hurt, "i went to bed last night thinking, 'wow, this is great, they got back from vacation and no one had anything to yell at me about', and then i wake up to this..." and i almost cried.  and then i said i was sorry too many times, and he understood, but didn't have anything he could say, so he just left.  now everyone feels shitty, and i feel like it's my fault.

on the upside, it seems like the sloppier i get - read glass post below - the more i'm adored.  a girl could get used to this.. scratch that.  i don't think anyone could ever get used to this feeling.  in a very very very nice way.

Sunday, July 25

Don't Cry

don't let it make you sad.  this is the happiest thing ever.  i know the feeling.  it's completely too much to bear, sometimes.. if things were easier, i think we'd explode on contact.  this is our time to ready ourselves, and prepare, and to let the anticipation build.  this is our time.  i love you.

it's easy to cry, or to want to, the feelings are sometimes too strong to put to words, or to even understand.  it's hard to get a grip on them, these elusive feelings.  they're like a bluegill, only less slimey.  just.. slippery.  prettier than a dead fish, too.  it's like, trying to get a firm hold on pudding.  only less messy, and with less bill cosby.  only more bill cosby, because more bill is usually better.  god, i miss you.

laugh, instead.  please?  try to keep your smile on, know how much it makes me feel good to see you happy, and laugh.  laugh because it's ridiculous - it feels like no one was ever meant to feel this way, it's too good.  sinful.  laugh because we're cheating the system.. those bastards tried to keep us away, and unhappy, and searching forever, and we beat them.  with our fancy new intranet.  we found what they tried to keep us away from, be glad.  laugh.  i'm putting on my happy face, the least you can do is put on yours.  or at least a funny hat.

this damn locker, i can't get into it, and it makes me feel stupid every time i try. the one in the middle. Posted by Hello

Ow. Posted by Hello

This is what cool girls drink wine out of. Posted by Hello

Oh, this is nice. Me pre-sunburn. Oh, the coolness i totally didn't appreciate. Did i tell you i'm starting to peel? Joy. Posted by Hello

i've been looking at this bookshelf, which i stole from this guy, and which looks exactly how a bookshelf should look, despite everyone being all angry with it for being crooked. books, to me, were always meant to be piled. i want this shelf. Posted by Hello
went to arby's, got free curly fries from mr fifteen behind the counter, it was great.  must use cleavage to tummy's advantage more often.  try not to look so durn pleased about it, though, you'll give away that you know why you got free fries.

i'm so happy i could die

everything on my computer looks shiney and new again, and there's even more to jump around in happy dances about:

- i've got a new webcam/digicam, and it's got a FLAT BOTTOM.  this is muchos preferable to the one i used to have.. you know, shot glass cam.

- i fixed my spybot shit all on my own, and feel really, really smart and cool.  shared it with you guys, so that you can feel smart and cool, too.  also, less incredifind-ed.  i hate that bastard thing.

- got my pictures back from the reunion, and from the roll i took last week, and now i've got a bunch i want to show you - can't wait for you to get home so i can share.

- bought bunches of really cool stuff when i was waiting for my pictures to get developed, and my card wasn't declined.  small miracles are the best kinds.  japanese lantern pajamas are hella cool. 

- mom and dad are back from vacation, and they weren't pissed about anything.  usually there's at least one thing keeping them from being okhappy with me.. maybe they're high.

- augie got super-fantastic haircut and is happy to be home.  keeps laying all serenely at my feet and sighing, gotta love it. 

Get This. Update it. Run it.

Read how to do it right.  feel free to send monetary gratitudes.
What's new in Adaware Version 6?
Leading anti data-mining utility, features the best maintained and updated target base  
Targets hundreds of systems and thousands of variations  
All new, vastly improved, in-depth scanning engine  
Includes an Advanced process browser full supporting installed extensions, linked to the in-depth scan engine  
Fully customizable automated scanning modes  
Webupdate module now fully integrated into the Ad-aware interface  
Entirely new, highly improved user interface  
All new plug-in concept allows for powerful expandability and updating without the need to download a new core-application  
Automatic quarantine (backup) function capability  
Enhanced logging capabilities  
Powerful tweaking options allows tweaking all aspects of Ad-aware  
Extended in-depth registry scans  
Exporting and printing of HTML reports  
Powerful command line options, to load config scripts and referencefiles from, and send logfiles to remote drives  
Blocks Browser hijacker attempts, Active-X installations, IE save attempts, and unauthorized auto start entries  
Includes a Popup stopper with customizable black-list  
Smart process-blocking, including filter lists  
Enhanced menus providing many more options.  
Plus many other enhancements!  

(it got 190, one nine zero, things on my computer today - it even found incredifind.  it's ada-beautiful.)

Neighbors Revisited

or Get Thee Back Satan, From Whence Ye Came!

ok, so i went outside today, to go to the store, and Oneandthesame called me over.  she'd heard more about who the bitchy-note-leavers might be, and she wanted to share. 

apparently the people across the street (not the drug-dealers, the other ones, on the corner) called the cops on the people next door (on the other side) of the drug-dealers.  they used to have 2 dogs, beagle-mixes.. and because the people on the corner called the cops 5 times, they were taken away and put to sleep.  it makes me sick.  here's something MORE sick, if you can stomach it.

they also used to have a cat.  the cat (like most of the neighborhood cats) roamed the streets, generally just being a mouse-catcher for the neighborhood.  they're all good cats, they run away from you if you get too close, etc.  the closest i've ever come to seeing one up close was one time when one of them was sleeping on top of mom's minivan.  but i digress.

this cat was apparently caught sleeping in the NeighborsFromHell's flowerbed.  they killed it, tied a note around it's neck explaining that it had been sleeping in their flowers, and that this is what happened to cats who roamed free to sleep in flowerbeds, and then they.. cover your eyes, it gets even worse.. then they threw it over the fence where the children found it.. eventually.

needless to say, i'm feeling very grateful that all they did was leave a note.. i've seen some horrible emergency vets dealing with rat poison.  i just never thought people like that actually existed.  Ready to Rumble indeed.
i can't believe you were still making sense of me, all drunk like that.

the best feeling in the world?  the one i had this morning, waking up and calling and then falling back to sleep and dreaming, and having your sleep-noise be my dream?  then waking up, because your sleep-noise stopped, and i wondered where the sound went, rolling over and talking to you?  i'm still amazed.

i'm going to watch some rat pack for a little while, and wish i wasn't alone on the couch.
Skull CollectorCongratulations! You scored 197!
you answer a lot of question correct, yes, good for you!! and you keep track of all your skulls and make sure that you don't lose any!

except for the explanation (whahh?) and the test itself (too easy to guess at the ones i didn't know), the test was.. eh, ok.


it's a phobia.  i'm not sure where it stems from, it's not all big cities.  just chicago.  it's so big and in the middle of the cold and it doesn't really seem like there should be any good reason for loads of people to want to live there (sorry, amy).  it makes me scared, because even though it's freezing cold and there's a big amount of murder, you've got to toss coins into booths to get there.  like you're paying to get to this cold, scary place that no one really should want to be in to begin with.  it's irrational, i know that. 

i'd worry more about the pet hair that i'll be bringing with me, than the stuff i'll be taking home.  not that i'm terribly hard to find, but how on earth did you do it?  i really want to know the process.. did you search for me under "sloppy"? 

speaking (typing) of which.. i love the fact that because i like beer and i don't mind the 4-5 hour thing, i'm perfect.  you should see my oksummary, it's VERY non-flattery.  let me show you..:  less organized/sloppier/less ambitious/more extroverted/cruder.  these are the definitions they came up with, after i went through scads of questions about every intimate personal detail imaginable.  i'm crude and sloppy and lazy.  that's pretty much what it boils down to.  i can't believe someone thinks that because of that, i'm wonderful.  life is beautiful.


if you're going to have one, don't get the kind you always used to get, get the more expensive, tree-ripe kind, because they're sweet and wonderful, and they taste like honey.. only fuzzier. 

why is it that everything i say sounds like sex?


i was just rinsing off my dishes from the week, thinking.. and i had a sort of a great thought.  in a past relationship, i was expected to be the dishes AND the laundry doer.  that seemed hideously unfair.  in the future, i hope i don't have to be either, that it can be split up.  also, if i'm expected to be any sort of a dishes-doer, we rinse our dishes.  nothing quite grosses me out the way that the floaties in the sink do.  not that i won't do it, if they're not rinsed, but don't expect me to do it all the way through, and there's definately going to be some gagging.  but if you don't mind that..

actually, a good sort of all-encompassing rule: 

When i'm gagging, i'm not having fun.  Please care that i'm not having fun. 

thank you.


i'm pretty sure that.. yep, positive that last night, i was drinking from my wine glass, and the webcam (which rests in a shot glass to keep it upright) fell over..  no biggie, really, but the shot glass fell over too, and lodged itself into my wine glass.  i thought i heard a splinter, but wasn't sure (read:  drunk enough not to see for myself).  eventually found the HUGE crack in the glass, drank anyways.  to the bottom.  spat out the chips of solid that were in the bottom of the glass (2).  wonderful.

if i die of internal bleeding, feel free to call my mom and tell her why..

Bacardi 151!

Test your alcohol knowledge. This will tell you how smart of a drinker you are, and if you can hold your own at a bar, restaurant or other situation involving alcoholic beverages.
Congradulations! You're 159 proof!
All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient.
(and i took it drunk.)

You are definately rockin'. Rock is probably more of a hobby than an obsession. You probably have a 'healthy' affiliation with rock. You know the big bands, you were probably born before 1984. Keep on truckin'
You resemble Air. Air people possess the virtue of knowledge. This does not mean they are more intelligent than anyone else but are generally well rounded and informed. They are good communicators. Most have a good grasp of the language and generally know a little something about everything. They have good personalities and are easy to get to know. They are what the philosophers called seers or priests. These are mentally inclined people. They actively acquire knowledge through experience, education and association. In ancient times, the only educated people were either priests, royalty or those who took it upon themselves to acquire knowledge (seers). The Air signs are curious, have initiative, are original, generally are well-disciplined and are quick thinkers. They rationalize by thinking things out rather than being influenced by emotional or physical factors. They enjoy any type of entertainment where they can use their intellectual capacity and their ability to think quickly and accurately often gives them the upper hand. These people have a tendency to judge themselves very harshly. They have certain standards they set for themselves such as hygiene, the way they dress, education, job performance and family. When angered they resort to trickery. These people are crafty, under handed and ingenious when it comes to evil. They are also prone to physical violence.

Saturday, July 24

i stole this from a blog i liked, but it's ok..

he stole it from someone else, before i did;  it was hot property before i posted it:

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils,I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around andsaw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel arebetter prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Breaking Up

funny.  someone just made me think of something, and i don't know if i can explain it correctly.  every time i've broken up with someone, i've tried, honestly, to keep things simple, and explain to them exactly my reasnoing, and have a good relationship with them.  well, except for jeff.  the fucker.  but other than him, i've really wanted to avoid hard feelings and contempt.  just because i don't like to lose people.  i like to keep people around, people i've shared time and bits of my life with. 

on the same level, though, the reason i was breaking up with everyone was because they didn't understand me, they didn't get me.  we didn't have that connection, that thing that makes it so easy to stay together.  it didn't end the way i wanted it to, my relationships and explanations were never quite what they needed to be.. things weren't pretty.  and vice-versa.. they never gave me what i needed to feel whole again, or good again, after the split.  it was all very painful and horrible, really.  i'm surprised i made it past 19. 

i read something tonight that made me feel ok.  if i'd have ever read that, or heard it, i might have been a little more prepared to deal with seperating.  but i didn't.  maybe because that is the perfect thing for me to hear when it happens, even though i don't ever want to hear it - and deep down, it doesn't scare me, i don't think i will - but if i do, it won't be terrible.

the people who will tell you the perfect things when they leave you aren't the ones who will, and that's a shame. 
i look at that damn table every single day.  i walk past it 4 times a day, and when no one is watching, i touch it.  i love this table.  this table represents what i don't have (my own place) and it tells me, reminds me every day.. the day i am able to live on my own and have my own table, will be just too late.

i have no doubt in my mind that the day i need a kitchen table will be the day after the last of these tables is taken off the market.  and then i'll spend the rest of my life trying to find a table i like as much as i like this one.. i'll find close, but they'll never quite be.. right.  this is my Amy of a table.  i'll be chasing it forever.

More liquor. Posted by Hello

More beer. Posted by Hello

Beer. Posted by Hello

this is what it would look like if a 17 year old with a crush on me was posing at the table that i really want to buy, and i made a joke, and he laughed in the middle of posing. Posted by Hello