Sunday, May 4


I have a hard time letting myself feel sad. Right now, I'm lonely fit to bust and tears are squeezing out no matter how much I tell myself that I am Not Crying and it just isn't healthy. I know it. I can't seem to help it.

The sad festers inside while I squelch it down, try to stamp it out. It doesn't go out, and sometimes it fights back and reaches the top again and spills out my eyes for a while and fills my head with nonsense about being unloved. Takes away all of my hopefullness. Reassures me that this, this lonely - this pointlessness - is what I'm going to be. What was meant to be for me.

Part of me knows that I should just let my body be sad, let it be missing what it had for a while. Let it fully take over and get the miserable out of its system but if I do that, what are the guarantees that the sadness will let the happy back in? Maybe the sadness will like the view, cozy up near the fire and dig in its claws. There is no Mucinex for the sadness.

I tried calling him tonight, just because I haven't talked to him in a long time, and miss him. Part of my price for (what? what did I get?) all this being miserable was my best friend, and that really hurts.

Wouldn't it be better to still have... something? Everything is lost to me tonight, and I am lost too.

I don't want to be here and I don't have the means to be any other place. I am cold and I want to be warm. I am all by myself.

1 comment:

Amy said...

Well, having gone through what you're going through -- yeah. It fucking sucks. And it will continue to for a while. And time doesn't cure the pain, it just takes the edges off. Dulls it. Think a stone in a river. It eventually is worn down to something that doesn't stab, just rubs. And then eventually it's a pebble in your shoe -- nagging, but no longer excruciating. I promise that some day you will be happy again. Unreservedly, completely, utterly and enthusiastically happy. It's the until then part that sucks so hard it blows. (See earlier post... :-)