Sadinex?

I have a hard time letting myself feel sad. Right now, I'm lonely fit to bust and tears are squeezing out no matter how much I tell myself that I am Not Crying and it just isn't healthy. I know it. I can't seem to help it.

The sad festers inside while I squelch it down, try to stamp it out. It doesn't go out, and sometimes it fights back and reaches the top again and spills out my eyes for a while and fills my head with nonsense about being unloved. Takes away all of my hopefullness. Reassures me that this, this lonely - this pointlessness - is what I'm going to be. What was meant to be for me.

Part of me knows that I should just let my body be sad, let it be missing what it had for a while. Let it fully take over and get the miserable out of its system but if I do that, what are the guarantees that the sadness will let the happy back in? Maybe the sadness will like the view, cozy up near the fire and dig in its claws. There is no Mucinex for the sadness.

I tried calling him tonight, just because I haven't talked to him in a long time, and miss him. Part of my price for (what? what did I get?) all this being miserable was my best friend, and that really hurts.

Wouldn't it be better to still have... something? Everything is lost to me tonight, and I am lost too.

I don't want to be here and I don't have the means to be any other place. I am cold and I want to be warm. I am all by myself.

Stinky/Alarm Clock

Stinky is so far unable to tell when two-minutes-to the alarm clock is, after Daylight Savings Time. I'm keeping track of how long it takes before he starts MEOWing to me at precisely 7:13. But! He does know how long fifteen minutes is, and will MEOW at me when fourteen minutes has passed, shorting me out of a minute of snooze.

Luckily, I've been sleeping pretty well, except for the last few days. Yesterday morning I woke up at 3:30 and had... you know those dreams you have when you're still half-awake and you know you're getting no zzz's, because in the middle of them you're angry with yourself for having stupid dreams about MySpace? But you're not awake, either? I did that for about an hour. Always a good time.

I'm pretty much able to sleep, but I had to train for it. Lots of mind-over-matter stuff with the relaxing and the not-thinking.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with the thinking anyway.

Lists

Stuff that kept me up last night:

- Where's Bruce?

- Do I want to go to my grade school reunion? If I go, do you think anyone will remember that I stole a (cool mechanical) pencil from the most popular girl in second grade? Or that I got caught because I was the worst criminal ever? Why am I suddenly remembering this after 20 years?

- I wonder if the cookie dough in my freezer is ok. How long does cookie dough stay good when frozen? If I take the sugar cookie dough and the chocolate sugar cookie dough and roll them together, I could make spiral cookies.

(after a few hours of sleep)

- Where's Bruce?

Stuff that didn't keep me up last night:

- Man, I'm so sad I quit my job. I feel so guilty.

(PS: Bruce was sleeping on the couch, because that's where he landed when he fell - asleep.)

Wave #1

The first wave of Christmas cards will go out tomorrow. With harvest stamps from 2005. I'm pretty sure that protocol says I should buy fancy Christmas stamps, but if I don't get this first wave of cards out of here, I'll never fall asleep at night.

If you're not in the first wave of cards, that means we don't have your address. You should send me your address.

Love,
I can't believe the things I lose sleep about

Obligations

I'm wearing Bruce's sweat pants right now. Although I don't personally think there is anything wrong with sweatpants, a part of me understands why he doesn't find them sexy, exactly. I think it has to do with the gathering-in at the bottoms. That's the least attractive part, if one were to search for the least attractive part.

Living in Wisconsin 1/2 mile from my family is presenting challenges that I'd never thought about before. Things are getting slightly better, but most of that has to do with the improvement in my own attitude since we've moved - I grew up very unsure of myself and with no friends. Being in the place where I finally became happy with who I am is making a monumental difference in how I feel. I've even been working out. Hot damn!

I can't be the only person who's completely bored by aerobic exercise. I'd rather do weights, just for the immediate gratification.

Poor Huck is either still sick from the chicken shit he ate on Thanksgiving, or he's sick again with an even more unknown illness. He woke us up last night after a long day of being very weary to make us take him out at least three times. It was not fun. Bruce and I had a fight about it. The fight mainly had to do with my insomnia and his general ability to sleep through anything that could possibly happen, and also my complete and utter jealousy of him for being able to sleep with no problems ever. I just want him to feel good again. It's been almost three weeks, is that too much to ask?

I've Been Better

My mind is working badly lately, keeping me from sleeping when I should be, reminding me to be really worried about stuff - without actually telling me what I should be worried about, generally being a big ol' pain in the ass.

I've been thinking about things to make myself feel better. While I appreciate all long-term suggestions (eating better, losing weight, etc.) and know they would be good for me, I'm in a funk right now, and need something to pull me out of it quicker than those things. I'm talking instant feel-betterers.

So far, I have a pretty short list:

• buy a bra that fits


• buy new underwear and don't walk around in the stuff I bought in high school


• buy new socks, so I have enough and don't have to grunge it some days (or any days, for that matter

That's about it. I'm only good for undergarment-centric ideas right now. Anyone have anything else that is bound to cheer me up? I'm open to ideas. Preferably quick-fixes.