Friday, September 23

Scheme: Version 1.2

We're on to something in this house. No, not the couch, but that was a fair guess. No, not the bed, although it comes in a close second in frequent-ity. I'm talking about a real, live, scheme here people, and you'd best tune in. It's bound to get good.

There are a few supplies required for this scheme:



  • new shower curtain
  • new bathmat
  • new toiletseat cover (not necessary, but I've gotten used to it, so I'm insisting)

For this to work, we have to have full audience participation. If you're the praying type, please include us in your thoughts. If you like to meditate, maybe you could picture our apartment with a white light around it or something? I'm not too clear on the meditation thing. After 8 years in Catholic school, I'm an expert on praying, though! Perhaps I should send some money and have them dedicate a Mass? Not clear anymore. Maybe if things get desperate, it will be considered.

Here is our plan: Hide the Linus.

Very stunning, I know. We've only been doing it that way for nine months, what makes us think it might work? Well, my stunning new plan, of course! Download it here. That link might not be right. There may or may not be music with that link. Ok, so I made it up. But not in the sense that it's my creation. Just go there. It's totally funny.

So here's Hide the Linuses V1.2:

  • First, buy new bathroom supplies. Then, put up old (but pretty) curtain in mainstream bathroom. Add old (but pretty and maroon and oh-so-not-sexually-oriented) bath mat and toilet seat cover to room. Make it look as homey as possible. Not to be confused with homely.


  • Second, I'm totally not sure you can read my little "map" of my apartment. If you can, consider yourself "lucky". Either you're incredibly creative, or a little "off".

  • Third, we're moving all the decorative pieces from the bathroom off the bedroom (I just realized I left the bedroom blank. Do I suffer from victorianesque modesty? Post-Catholocism-Stress-Disorder? Am I too lazy to go back now and change it? Yes. Just assume the room with nothing in it and a bathroom attached to it is the bedroom, ok? Thanks) into the bathroom off of the hallway, thereby making it more "inviting" and "friendly looking". Then we're going to buy new stuff to put in the bedroom-bathroom (Ok, I did that partially because I like to have new stuff. But that's not the only reason!). This will make the hallway-bathroom more inviting and seem more clean, thereby making them less likely to demand to check inside the bedroom bathroom. This will be amplified because..
  • Whenever Bruce (he works from home, remember? I knew you did, I was just checking.) hears a knock on the door, he will immediately scoop up the Linus, throw him into the bedroom-bathroom, turn on the shower in there, and close the door. Therefore, if they want to do an inspection, they will have to avoid that bathroom, because "I" am taking a shower.

This way we don't have to move out without giving notice, they won't take away our security deposit in it's entirety, and we won't have any more bad marks against our credit. Also, we won't have to move in less than a week. Hoo-ah! That's right, I'm quoting Scent of a Woman. I deserve it, because..

How genius am I? I'd really like to know. Seriously. This is all my big scheme from (yet another) long talk on Bruce's chest before bed. All day yesterday, it was a big stress for us. All I really wanted was a way for LLinus to live with us, without taking his fingers away, until we could move. And I think this is the most logical answer, don't you? I'm so proud of myself.

PS: I picked him up from the vet's today, and although he's still a little groggy from the anesthesia, he's doing just fine. His ballsack is hurting him, though, Bruce noticed that when he tried to lick it he cringed like it hurt him. We've prescribed a few days bedrest, and lots of fancy rockstar meals to keep him living in luxury until he feels better. It's not just the surgery that got him, it was all the time he's spent away from home this past week. Hopefully my shower solution will be just that - a solution. Meditate for us?

7 comments:

HappyFunBall said...

OK, first? I'm waaaaay too drunk to understand a lick of what you wrote, will come back later to make sense of it all.

Second: Tell B. to stop licking the cat's nutsack, if it's hurting, for cheese sake.

I'll also come back when more sober to turn red and cringe about whatever I just wrote here.

sunny said...

Again, totally with the love, HFB.

I'm drunk too. All the way through that post, just getting drunker. Perhaps that's why it didn't make sense?

B said...

I honestly thought that a good lick would let him know I care. He didn't seem to like it too much.

Nowhere Girl said...

Hiding is the way to go. Hope his little nutsack heals over the weekend =). Poor pussy...

Jess said...

I could totally read the map. Okay, fine, it's because I've been to your apartment. But know that at least two of us in the world (the other being R) who don't live in your apartment understood what the empty room was! Hooray.

And when are you two going to visit us? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Brown said...

i understood the map/floorplan. Does that mean i'm "off"?

Linus is a cat, right?

Brown said...

Waaaaait a second. TOILET SEAT COVERS?

noooooooooo!