Wednesday, September 29


I'd like to think that I'm lucky.

That is a major theme in my life. That there sentance? Pretty much sums up the thought that occurs most often in my day-to-day life.

Specifically, right this minute, I'd like to think I was lucky, in that I am capable of erasing all thought of the burdens my life has placed upon me, and having pure, unadulterated fun - if only for a few minutes at a stretch. I would love to believe that I was born capable of jumping on a trampoline with 10 people between the ages of 2 and 10, with no worries. That isn't the case.

I have devoted a vast amount of my conscious thought, over the course of the past 3 years, to shutting off the worry. Everyone worries, all the time. I spend most of my day convincing my 'type A' brain that I'm not the only one who has to worry for the entire world. I worked very very hard, at times, to be at the stage in my life where I am now.

Jess has brought up some extremely good points, over the past few days, regarding childhood and nostalgia. It's made me take a good long look into my past, and the things I wished I could still experience.

Perhaps I'm too good at forgetting my responsibilities. Perhaps I'm a bit jealous, that so many people take care of theirs in a more timely manner than I am able to. My bills might not go forever without being paid, were it not for my ability to turn off that nagging portion of my brain. It's give and take, as with everything.

I see two distinct personalities developing, in my mind:
  • Person A (we'll call him Bob) is an adult. Bob is very responsible, and worries about his various responsibilities. He takes care of things; his bills, his rent, his healthcare, his insurance.. nothing goes unattended-to. He occasionally thinks back on life as a child, and remembers it fondly. He occasionally "mourns" for a time when he played kickball in the alley, and the biggest worry on his mind was a skinned knee, or that kid next door who could kick farther than he could. Because his brain is so focused, he is often unable to re-create the same scenario - one in which life is simple. Bob is successful and driven.
  • Person B (we'll call him Jack) is a child. Jack is forgetfull, and he spends a lot of time doing things that most adults wouldn't consider a priority. He lets things slide; his bills, his time with his parents, sometimes his children.. everything gets taken care of at the last minute, if it gets taken care of at all. He spends ample time in a simple state of mind. His thoughts wander on a regular basis, and nothing keeps his attention for very long. He sacrifices greatly, in that he's highly unstable - nothing, not even his job is a guarantee. He is happy, because he can see the simple goodness in all of life, but sad, too, for because he doesn't always think things through to the end, his life sometimes lacks the silver lining.

These two people [the very simple versions I just created] are not mutually exclusive. There are parts of all of us in each one, I believe. It takes all types, to create a flavorful brew. And believe you me, we have some spice.

I hate the thought of anyone not believing they play an important role - fact is, everyone does. It's all a matter of perspective, and I'm sure we all realize that. You will never know everything that made me, me; I will never know your full perspective, either. It's the differences that bring us together, the learning. I firmly believe that.

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