Tuesday, February 1

Raise Your Hand If You'd Rather Read About the "Stage Fart"!

I went out last night, with a new friend.

It's really strange living down here, and it's not entirely strange in a good way. I'm not sure how to explain it.

In my old town, I had friends that I'd met through mutual aquaintances, or through work, or that I simply had known forever. I was constantly running into people I hadn't seen for years. Everyone is related in northeastern Wisconsin, don't let anyone tell you any differently. I'm not trying to say that we're incestuous or anything - only that you're rarely meeting someone completely new. It's a comfort, or at least it was to me.

Here, every single person I meet is brand new. There are no comforting similarities that tie back to the people I've known my whole life. There is an invisible barrier somewhere between Wisconsin and Springfield; the two places are too far apart to have the threads of commonality that I found comforting when I lived in Minnesota. I'm finding out that the people are pretty much the same, and that is a good feeling.

The problem is that I don't have any friends that are my own. I'm pretty possessive of my friends, I'll be the first to admit. It's hard for me to *only* have friends that were Bruce's first. I like my own fan base, to be perfectly frank (again, for the thousandth time, does anyone know who the first Frank was?). I haven't found anyone I can really connect with here, oustide of B. There aren't any people I can sit down with, completely at ease, and know--just know--that even if it weren't for Bruce, they'd want to hang out with me. It's not that they wouldn't, it's that I'll never be sure. Like I said, I'm selfish with my friends.

I went out last night with my friend's new girlfriend. She's a great person, really nice and thoughtful, and we have a lot in common. The only problem I have with the evening is that it seemed a little.. well.. forced. I hate to be picky, and I'm really wonderfully grateful to her for inviting me to dinner and all, but it still held that underlying pressure. It seemed a little off to me from the start, because I've only really met her two or three times. And I was drunk those times. We had a good conversation, though, and I think we both had a good time.

I guess that what bothers me is that I haven't met anyone here with whom I have an instant chemistry. It's been a while since I've had an insta-friend. I miss that feeling.

This turned into a much bigger post than what I meant it to be, and much more unhappy. Trust me, you're better off than B, who is getting the full-force of it all. Honestly, I never ever used to cry. I'm guessing that it's my amazement and gratitude that someone's there and willing to listen to my thoughts and fears which are making me disolve into tears about once a month. Good news, though, it's becoming less and less frequent. Now, if only I made a friend, I think it would be instantly better. Life is strange for me lately, sorry about the lag in blogging.

4 comments:

LostNotFound1980 said...

I understand completely except I don't have any friends here at all. I have a girl from work I hang with occassionally after work but that's it. I miss my possee. TX sucks. I feel your pain. I'm sorry you have to feel like this. Sorry I am not real elequant in my speech... Good thing I don't teach english.

Jim said...

I completely understand as well. I moved to LA 10 years ago and it took 7 years before I finally had enough friends (not from work) to scrounge up a party.

3rd annual party is in two weeks. It'll be a doozy.

You can do it faster, though. LA is REALLY hard to make friends in. Anywhere else is easier. I'm sure you'll be Ms. Popular in no time. :)

sunny said...

Thanks guys, it's really great to hear from somebody/ies who know how I feel.

The fact that you're completely incredulous that it'll continue to be like this is a little frustrating, though. In a good, healthy way. In the same way that when I was 15, I just knew that my life was the most difficult it would ever be, and no one in the world could convince me otherwise. Sort of how I felt about the people who tried anyway.

But I like you a whole lot more, and I'm not 15 anymore, so I'm willing to accept that you're probably right. Thanks. :)

Jess said...

It's okay, Sunny. We all go through it. All I have in Rolla, really, is R. Other than that, it's a sad small world. I guess I feel as if I interact with enough people at work to feel less lonely. And C moved back down here, so it's a bit better. However, right about the time that you're getting okay again, I'm moving to KC. So, it will be this, all over again. Chin up, we love you.