Monday, April 3

I Know

we've been through this before, but let me just say that I've traveled a long, hard road since high school. Most of my senior year was dedicated to becoming the girl you see in this bed:

The boyfriend I had in my delicate college years did nothing to help my self-esteem issues. Instead of getting thinner with his encouragement (which in his mind no doubt meant "healthier"), I took offense and retaliated. After all, this was my body to do with as I so pleased. To hell with any man trying to tell me I'd be "better off" not eating meat. I snuck meals on the side, to make up for the ones I was being denied at home. His plan backfired. As much as I care for my ex (and I do, I wish him only the best) he knows how much it hurt me to have him judge me like that. Here's a picture of myself when things between he and I went wrong (we eventually made up, meaning two more years of monitoring):

What? What? I wasn't high, I was... Ok, so that's totally a picture of me being stoned off my ass. What else did I have to lose?

In any case, here's a healthy, happy picture of me. I know some of you have seen it before, but it bears repeating. I'm not the skinny chick I was in high school, and I never will be again. Half of me wishes I could be her, and the other half knows that I will never be able to look inside myself and find the acknowlegement that I need. I never did when I was skinny, I never did when I was fat.

I have found a man who loves me for me, and not for the body I carry around with me. This might not be a skinny picture, but it's honestly me, and that's what he loves me for.

I love you, Bruce. And the farts you rode in on. No one ever said that the sexiest man alive didn't pass gas, but I bet when he did, he waited until his wife was out of the room so she wouldn't have to bear it, just like you do. It's the little things that matter, baby. All the little things in you add up to one concrete reason I can't believe how lucky I am. I will love you always, just the way you are.

And thank you for loving me, just the way I am.


Miss Wired said...

We all love you the way you are, the way you were, and the way you will be. :) Kisses from Australia.

Jess said...

It's so wonderful that you're comfortable and proud and excited about who you are. It's equally as great that you've come to terms with who you were. You're beautiful, you know that?

B said...

I thought it was great until the whole farts thing. You suck.


sunny said...

MW: And I love you too dear, just the way you are.

Jess: I hate the part of me that dismisses that in my head, thinking, "Oh, I just angle the camera right so I get the good shots."

But I can't seem to turn it off.

Bruce threatened to retaliate against my talk of farting by farting on me in my sleep. If I disappear, you all know that I suffocated and died.

Lisa said...

Hey, I remember that girl...long time, no see!!