What More do I Need?

I want a baby. Eventually. Let me make that part perfectly clear. Eventually, I want a baby. I posted about it a while back, and although it's not going away, I've definitely decided that the best time for kids will be sometime vague. Like, "in the future" kind of vague. "In a few years" isn't vague enough for me. I still want a baby, very badly. But I want it "in the future". You know what I'm sayin'?

I used to be scared shitless to say anything of this sort, because I used to think that by talking about a vague sort of yearn like this was a surefire way to find the person you loved (or at least really really liked to look at) running away as fast as his lungs would let him. (I dated a lot of smokers.)

I'm not afraid to say things like that anymore. It's not just because I'm more secure in my relationship, because I've found the one true love of my life who will understand me forever and thinks that every single word that falls from my lips is sweet, sweet nectar to be savoured and never, ever wasted or disregarded, oh no.

It's because I'm married and he can't leave me for saying I want a baby.

But seriously, folks, its getting worse. I mean, I don't want a baby any sooner, but I'm wanting a "futuristic" baby more than I had. On my days off, I tune into Discovery Health and watch people give birth all day. This used to disuade me - that blatant show of just how hard it is, and how much havok it wreaks on a woman's body. The crying and the screaming and the action-shots where they show everything but the goddamned coochie itself - that sort of thing used to put me off the idea completely.

Now I find myself watching the show, thinking, "Yeah, but look what you get in return.." and cooing over the babies. Hell, last week I was crying. (No mention of the PMS of last week, people. You know the rules.) Me, crying. I was one of those people who always called newborns "breathtaking". You know, so I wouldn't have to lie. And now I'm crying over them?

Last week I was laying on the couch catching the latest DHC had to offer me (My mind just called it "getting my baby fix", but that's just not something I'm going to type out loud, because that's almost gross enough to be grounds for D-I-V-O-R-C-E, don't you think? It sounds like I'm shooting them up. Sick.), Bruce came home for lunch. I told him about watching the babies being born, and he turned white and convinced me he's not going to be wanting to see this sort of thing. But! I'm getting better. I told him! I didn't let it fester inside me and feel guilty about wanting a baby, no. I told him that I want a "future" baby, and what that means, and that this show didn't gross me out. I think that's the part he was most disturbed by, actually. And then I told him about how I was watching the show, laying on my side on the couch, and Linus came up and crawled underneath my blanket to go to sleep. After a while, I looked underneath, and he was laying right where a pregnant belly would be, curled up in a little ball. It was all very sweet, and as I looked at him, I totally realized that this "future" is going to be a long way down the road.

Between the lovely warm kitten and my lovely warm husband, I'm way ahead of what I'd planned for myself two years ago, anyway. There's no desire in me to rush things along, to fall prey to the feeling that I'm not doing "enough". I'm not wasting time by waiting. I'm giving our family time to prepare. We've got a lot of living to do, my lovely husband and I. We want to travel to exotic countries (while we're young, so we can - as Someone Special pointed out - sleep on the side of the road if we have to), B wants to pursue some musical aspirations, and there are a million other things on my 'to-do' list. I want to have time to do them - sans screaming youngster. That may be selfish of me, but that's the way it is.

Oh, and also because Linus is an asshole, and I'm obviously no good at discipline whatsoever.

Also, we bought a plant this year and a few days ago, it died. I figure, until I can take a plant in out of the cold after announcing that's what it needs, I shouldn't be put in charge of a human. That's reasonable, right?