Tuesday, January 10

"Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure."

[Note: Apparently, this has been going on for quite some time. I'm disappointed in you people. Why did no one tell me? This makes it even better.]

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, 'Bang!'

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "'Never question Chuck Norris.'

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

and of course, my favorite:

Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

6 comments:

Lisa said...

What's with all the hatred for the Texas Ranger? Careful, I wouldn't want him to come at you with a roundhouse to the jaw.

sunny said...

I guess I look at in more of a "proclaiming his glory" sort of way.

HappyFunBall said...

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, so he has no need for bookmarks. He did once roundhouse kick a potato, though, for bugging people about using them.

MissBossyPants said...

Chuck Norris is hot.

B said...

I concur - Chuck Norris is, in fact, hot.

Jess said...

Chuck Norris. With such fantastic films as "Sidekicks," you have to be able to roundhouse kick the people who think you suck.