Saturday, February 25

Dear Mr. (supposedly gay) Man.

If you are not sure of your sexuality, please do not tell people that you are. When you do so, and then make out with a girl and tell people that you "really liked it", you tend to make the gay men who are interested in you feel bad. Don't do that.

Especially to my brother, because I will Beat You Down and attempt to show you how excruciating [Censored] can be if it is not prefaced with foreplay and kind words. [Censored while not over the limit on boxed wine.] Yes, the straight sister of a gay man can, in fact, be so cruel. Keep this in mind.


Dear Brother,

There is nothing you could ever do to convince me that you are not the perfect man. As I told you tonight, the only reason I married Bruce is because he is the closest thing I could get to you. Also, he is not my brother, which would be gross.

If a) you were attracted to the female form, and b) you were not my blood relation, I would totally have married you, because you are the most awesome guy I can think of. Thank you for telling me tonight that that is the best compliment ever. I meant every word of it. I Love You*.

* (ILY)


No comments: