I've just completed my first day of "grownuppedness" in Missouri. Sure, the job search was heart-wrenching, but the actual completion of a full-days-work really sets in stone that I'm here for the long haul. At least a 6 month haul. That's a lot to people like me--my most long-lived job happened between the ages of 14 and 16, and I had barely grazed the wonders of $6.00 per hour when I quit. What can I say? Dairy Queen, I am not.
I have a confession: When I was 18-19, I stole some money, and got caught. Anyone ambitious enough to stalk me could find out that I, in fact, stole a total of ~$2000.00 from a past employer. It is my least proud moment, and those of you who have been reading for a while know that I do have more than my fair share of unproud momentii. I'm telling you in order to get it off of my proverbial chest. My real chest is in no mood for lightening--it's been at the same state of self-shame as it has been since the fateful day on which I was arrested.
That's right, arrested. Full-blown, escorted-from-the-building-in-handcuffs arrested. My insides squirm thinking of the complete shit that descision has brought to my life.
The shit of it is (being a begger doesn't leave me much room for pointing blamey-fingers, but I will anyway) that "They" (my employer) waited until I was over the legal age of prosecution and had taken enough money to qualify as a felony before they confronted me. Yes, I put up a fairly good "I have no idea what you're talking about" battle, but in the end, it didn't matter very much. I was caught, and I knew it.
I believe the only thing that kept me afloat in the sea of justice is my innocent appearance. Even with bleach-blond hair, I looked like I was 12, and that's the major reason that I don't resent my young appearance. I never will. They charged me on two misdemeanor counts of theft, when they could have tried me on a felony, and won. I owe much of the good parts of my life to that decision, and I'm grateful forever.
Don't assume that I have been spared the consequence of paying for my mistakes. As Bruce would be happy to explain in detail, I'm a virtual wreck when applying for new jobs. I can't stand the idea that they might look into my past and find out this thing which marrs me for life as someone unemployable. It's almost too much.
My stomach is churning today because, even though I've gotten the same job I had in Wisconsin, they require more of a background check. For now, I'm working because I've sent in the application to be employed in Missouri as a pharmacy technician, but I'm scared beyond my comprehension that that application will come back Denied. Pharmacy Technician is the only job I've ever had where I felt as though I was doing something important. Making a difference. This application, the one which requires a questionaire and a Notary Public Signing and two (count 'em, two!) sets of fingerprints? It's a bit much to be weighing on my mind.
I haven't done anything illegal since my trial. Of course I'm excluding the few excursions into the land of pot, but hey, I was a college student. I need some reassurance, please. Does anyone have anything similar to share, or some stories to tell me to make me feel better? I'd appreciate it, whole-heartedly.