Saturday, October 9

God Squad

Pops brought up a rather unpleasant memory today. Being at a "Big 10" university, I ran into the God Squad on a regular basis. If there had been a grade given for "Avoiding Religious Disciples 1101", I would have gotten an A-. Thank pete for the curve.

On one occasion, I was in a particularly pissy mood. I think I'd just taken a midterm in a class I'd never been to before (one where, when I walked in to take the test, everyone looked at me in mass confusion, having never seen me before). Needless to say, the midterm didn't go well. I was sitting on a bench outside of Vincent Hall, probably deciding how to break it to my uber-responsible boyfriend of the time that I was going to fail the class, and a girl walked up to me. Through the tears that I wasn't allowed to cry (wailing + sobbing = looking not-so-collected), I saw her approaching me with a sympathetic look on her face. She asked me how it was going, and I had a moment of weakness. Letting my guard down, I hinted that things weren't all silky-smooth.

And she pounced. She "was sorry" that things "weren't going well", and had I ever thought about "looking to a higher power" for my "guidance"? I narrowed my eyes and saw the "Disciples of Cultism" pin on her left boob, and told her, "Look, Elizabeth, had I known you were being nice to me in order to woo me into your clan of drooling, koolaid-drinking, Mall-Preacher-following gypsy troop, I would have glared at you in the first place. Now, however, I have seen the light, and know the truth. Be gone, lest my death ray force you to meet your Higher Power immediatly*!"

She fled the scene.

That'll teach her.

*the author may have taken certain creative liberties when re-creating dialogue.

5 comments:

blues mama said...

Hey, creative liberties with dialogue often make the difference between a good post and a very good one.

Pops said...

Always appreciate the occasional shout-out, Sunny.

For people who preach peace, love and sacrifice, have you ever met a group of more self-interested, manipulative and arrogantly aggressive folks in your life? I have, but they're all family, so they're SUPPOSED to make my life miserable. The God Squadders are strangers and should learn some tact.

sunny said...

"For people who preach peace, love and sacrifice, have you ever met a group of more self-interested, manipulative and arrogantly aggressive folks in your life?"Yes. As you said, they're relatives, so it's to be expected.

OH! If you add "disappointing" to that list, it also includes (a few of my) ex-boyfriends. They suck, too. It's great, because as they're not related to me, I can tell you they suck, and not feel guilty.

Who needs beer for satisfaction?

sunny said...

Blues gets a shout-out for the amazing blog. I think I'm going to link you.

blues mama said...

Woo hoo baby! You even did the Hell Yeah and everything. And here I thought I was just talking to myself in a drunken stupor. Very cool.