Sunday, June 27


i didn't used to care. i didn't give even a moment, a 1/2 seconds thought to what i was eating, ever.

it's so odd to think about, because today, i'm having major issues over a cheeseburger i ate at 3 am. but even drunk, sitting with friends at the resteraunt, i was feeling guilty, thinking i shouldn't be eating that cheeseburger, and now, stone sober, 9 hours later, i'm wondering if i should eat. if i really need to. that's nothing that ever used to cross my mind. eating out of need was a stupid idea to me 6 months ago. you're probably thinking i was huge. i wasn't.. the last time i weighed myself, i was around 180. that was enough for me to actually do something, though. i knew that if i crossed a certain point, it would feel hopeless. i'm terrified of being hopeless.

i guess i can't explain it as well as i'd like to be able to. it's been months since i actually started paying attention to what i was eating, and still, there are times when i have to devote 5 minutes thought to whether i'm actually hungry, or just.. bored. it's made an even finer point of argument by my recent non-smoker status. also, one of greater concern to me. i haven't weighed myself in six months. i have had a slight urge to do so, ever since i started noticing progress in myself, but it's a scary thought. i'm afraid that if i look at the number, it's not going to be the number i secretly hope it is. i refused to buy a scale, when i wanted one, because i knew it'd become a compulsion, and that i have had eating disorder tendancies (albeit when i was 17) in the past, and i knew that would be a step twards becoming too concerned with my weight again. i didn't want to do that, and i've taken great care to do this in a healthy manner.

i take walks, fairly regularly. lisa just called and asked if i wanted to go for one today, which relieved a bit of my guilt over the cheeseburger. she's been the reason that i've walked, actually, from the beginning. sure, i've got no problem just reflecting, going over things in my mind (over and over and over, lol), but she's my best friend, and she understands me, and gives her own perspective on my reflections, which i really appreciate. and it's mutual, we help each other. walking doesn't take as long when you've got someone to laugh with.

mainly, though, i think the issue was always my eating. i wasn't the cool kid (by any stretch of anyone's imagination, when i was in school. it's fair to say that between the ages of 10 and 15, i didn't have anyone i could call a friend. it was until i was 17, before i felt like i could be able to show my true colors to anyone. that's a long time to be without anyone to talk to. when i look at it that way, i'm not surprised that i don't know what i want to do with my life.. it was only 7 years ago that i started discovering who i was, as a person, and there was a major setback in that process (3 years worth), where i was trying to be someone else again. wow, totally went down a seperate train of thought there. back to topic, during that time, when i was friendless, i read.. a lot. i escaped. i have the same feeling when i'm reading that i do when i'm eating.. it's escape.

i just had a realization that made me smile. i get the same feeling when i'm writing.

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