le sigh

1. i sort of want someone to yell at me, right now. i believe i've been schmoozily rejected.

2. and schmoozily hit on, all day long, by someone who shouldn't be hitting on me, and whom i'd be loathe to reject or point fingers at, as he got me my new (as of yesterday) job. also, he's not really truely doing anything or saying anything to me that he's not doing or saying to everyone else. and while i realize that this "feeling" i get, when he says it to me, the feeling that he "means it more", although probably falling under the chemical compound description of sexual harrassment, is the weak link in it, and i've gotten beligerantly pissed off at people who are able to ruin another person's life over a "feeling" that someone "meant something more". because of that, and also because of my hatred of knowingly being a hypocrite, i'm going to be the bigger woman in my own scenario, and NOT tell anyone (save people bored enough to read it here) about what's going on. instead i am going to (schmoozily) refuse his schmoozy proposals, (schmoozily) crush any hopes of getting in my work pants (or casual-wear), and then i'm hoping, because the whole thing was so damn schmoozy from the get-go, that we can schmoozily schmooze over the situation-that-wasn't, and schmooze on happily ever after, as collegues (and collegues ONLY).

3. i am fucking terrified at my job, followed directly by moments where i feel so "on" that i scare myself, rinse, repeat. take eight hours orally, every day, for five days, then off for two, then repeat until empty.

4. in spite of this, i feel like i can do it, and know that i will do it, until such time as i get bored, and know all there is to know about it, and it becomes a job i hate. or i "make a decision which no one, not even my schmoozy boss, can schmooze anyone out of, not of my being bad people, really, just out of me having certain issues, and the people i work for and the policies employed by those persons being in disagreement with the issues i just schmoozed" that was my boss talking, not me. hinthintthat'sallyougetfolksfigureitout.

5. i love the people i work with, they make me laugh all day long, and they think i'm hillarious. this is wonderful.