Sunday, June 27

Big BF Post

i should post about this, before i forget. i feel that there are extenuating circumstances surrounding my attitude twards men, and i should at least explain the basics of my situation, so that the reasons that i am how i am are a little more clear. so, deep breath, here goes.

the first guy i ever dated, was steve. he kissed me on the cheek on new years day of 1997. we'd been talking since the previous june, i'd realized i'd fallen in love in august. on christmas day, he broke up with his girlfriend, and on new year's eve, we were dating.. secretly. we went to france, and eventually told our friends that we were dating.. i believe this was after he took my virginity (he woke me up, on the couch, because it hurt.. i cried afterwards, and i told myself -and him- that it was because it was wonderful, now i think it was because i was unprepared). we went out for another seven months, but it was all downhill from there.. he was the false messiah. he left me for someone i worked with, right after i told him that if he didn't want to be with me, he should just break up with me. he said, "Ok."

second guy, was mike. mike was different, he was there when i was totally in love with steve, and steve was totally not in love with me. i used to lock myself in the cages in the orchestra room and brood, and he was the only one who'd indulge that 17 year old who wanted to talk about it. probably because he wanted sex. i used him, and i feel bad about it, in a way.. but he knew the situation, he was the mixed messenger. i broke up with him when i was on my fifteen minute break, at work. heartless, i know.

along came mike (a new one, not the old one), whom i sought out.. i met him through a friend, and got his number, and asked him to prom.. he turned into a real relationship, and we were great.. as friends. he was the backrubber. he got seduced by my best friend (at the time), and totally broke my heart, even if i never did more than kiss him.. he had my heart, and he threw it down, and stomped on it.. once he got some sex.

then, jeff was my boyfriend. he was a true and utter arrogant asshole.. completely the vapor trail. he jerked me around, completely. he knew i was someone who didn't feel worthwhile, and he knew he was able to make me feel not-worthless, at the very least.. and he used it to his total advantage. the fucker. he fucked a few of my 'friends', in between professing his love to me.

best of all (doesn't take a lot, i know) came sam. sam was in a relationship when i met him, as was i, etc. we were friends. i appreciated his non-vapor trail-like tendancies. he was stable, and dependable, and totally unlike the mostly-random guys i'd dated before. i thought he was what i wanted, but he always left me with a feeling that i wasn't quite.. enough. because i knew i wasn't. he was the billy goat.

after 3 years of that, there was one person who fell into my lap.. it steve, and he woo'ed me again, for a few months. then i realized that he'd been continually screwing an ex-girlfriend, throughout our "relationship". i ended it all.

after that, i met the guy whom i've had the most chemistry with.. the playboy that i knew. we were awesome.. for a few weeks. then he had sex with an internet slut.

my one sex-only relationship was very soon afterward: with the bachelor was somewhat gratifying at the time, but less satisfying when i was sober and realized what i'd done.

after then, there've been guys who've shared a bed with me, but mainly because i'm terribly concerned (i get a mommy-complex) about guys whom i don't think should be driving home. i care about the nice ones, who need a ride, so i let them share my bed, occasionally. nothing more happens, except for a vast relief on my part, knowing i didn't let someone commit virtual suicide. i haven't had sex, or anything even private-part-oriented, in a year and a half. i could have, but.. i need more than sex.

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