Monday, June 28

Natural Set

i was explaining the reactions to Farenheit 9/11 to my parents at much-too-early this morning, and my mom seemed very interested, so i wasn't surprised when i came downstairs after "going back to bed" (to write this, haha), and she was reading them. a realization, however, did. catch me by surprise. she was reading, and she was frustrated. when i read the reactions, i was moved, and i want to see the movie. when she was reading the reactions, it made her frustrated, and want to know what the movie was about. i don't need to know the motivations of something, in order to be moved by it.. and i think that ties into what i wanted to say, in an off-handed way.

i think i've met someone with a similar natural set to their face as mine. when my face is entirely at rest, it is almost comical. my mouth turns down. the reason that it's comical is because it rarely ever happens.. without me doing it on purpose, for comical effect.
my preface was longer than what i needed to say, i find that hillarious.

Exposure. (that's what the next one was supposed to be called, but wasn't, because there wasn't actually a "next", seeing as how i didn't have as much to say about the first as i'd imagined when i couldn't get back to sleep, lol.)
near as i can tell, i went to bed at midnight. it's scary to me, and probably moreso to people who were talking to me at that time, that i have to say "near as i can tell" before i say the rest of that sentance. how can that make anyone feel proud?

i don't. and i know there are issues deeper than what even i am thinking about at work, there. and i'm fully aware of problems in my life, and things that need to be fixed, and i'm highly HIGHLY defensive when people tell me things i already know.

that's not the point i wanted to get to, here. here, i wanted to talk about my self-exposure, and why i scare people away (i typed "try to", but i don't honestly think i try to do it, i think i've told myself that i try to, because it doesn't hurt as much to scare people away if that was your original goal). people, as a whole, don't want to mess with a mess like me. i've got a few things that go on in my life that only one person has ever known as fact, and (only sometimes due to the above paragraph) i expose parts of the person that only one other person knows all about to new people, and i terrify them.

worse yet is when i DON'T.. because when i don't terrify them, i wonder what they're not seeing. what is wrong with them for not being terrified, because so many other people have been. it's not fair to judge anyone based upon the people that i know weren't good enough for me, i know that. but it's all i have to base my judgements on.

what i'm saying is: i might act funny today. i might need more proof than any person is able to give me. i'm crying. not because of anything anyone did, or will do, or because i might miss out on something, but because as much as i pretend to like analyzing myself, sometimes it hurts when i actually figure things out. i'm sorry. i don't think i have to be, but i am. lets just assume from now on that when i'm being melodramatic, i'd like a reply, shall we? i prefer to end this with a laugh.

No comments: