Wednesday, June 30


this is what i never want to be. i've been this before, and i dread it in the relationships that might come. i'm talking about the kind that a partner says in contempt. the kind that people have given me as a reason for leaving. the kind that probably has something to do with why i switch jobs so often.. i feel like i've got a good wind-up, but the throw is a little to the left of what i aim for. i start out, and everyone thinks i'm amazing, and it's a great feeling. after a while, things settle down, and those things that people found amazing just become another thing they'll expect out of me (sometimes, i'm the only one expected to do those things), and they'll get angry when those unique things i do aren't done. they don't realize that those little things are done so that they'll be appreciated, not so that i don't get yelled at. this works in my relationships, too. once people reach a level where they feel like they know me, they start to expect things. when something is expected, i rarely do it. i like reactions to things unexpected. anger at my not being consistant makes me defiant. when that starts happening, it's all downhill. comfortable is stagnant; i don't want anyone to be stagnant with me.

this is what i've been looking for my whole life. the one thing that makes me think there might be something out there, after all, the thing that makes me keep trying. i'm talking about the kind where you feel completely at ease, the kind that makes me want to stay in my town. the kind where, no matter where you go, or who you see, you're at home, and you're safe. in a relationship, it's when you've got someone who you know has you in the back of his mind - but only when you're not in the front of it. that's something i look for, all the time, something that would mean more to me than a million compliments ever could. comfortable is cozy, and i love to think about cozy.

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