You Know What? No.

I'm not going to be like that. I have no reason to be like that. I have good friends (whether they live by me or have lots of time or not) and amazing family who will always support me and give me shelter and love when I need it, mush, mush, etc etc etc, ad naseum. Plus, the fantastic comments I got at the Sad post lead me to reason that you girls are all too spectacular to listen to me whine all the live-long day. So I can't guarantee I'm stopping for good, but I'll give it an effort.

Part of me is angry at Bruce for twisting the knife, I suppose, by writing about girls. ("The knife you stabbed yourself with?" you ask. Yes.) I stopped being a big part of his blog a long time ago, but since it played such a huge part in our early relationship I still see it as 'mine' somehow. Most of the territory I'd marked as 'mine' for him is faded, the feeling isn't that strong. I guess my metaphorical pee is taking a longer time to rinse off that particular area, that's all. Why should I be angry with him? It's his fucking blog, after all. He wrote it, it's supposed to be a fairly accurate account of his life, and I'm sure it is. Girls are pretty awesome, after all. Especially those who drink beer. I'm glad somebody realizes it. Maybe if it was the "best of the last quarter of 2007", I'd feel less pissy about it. I don't know. What I do know is that in a few years I'm likely to look back on this post and the Sad post before it and cringe at my own sensitivity to crap that doesn't matter anymore. But isn't that what a blog is for?

For Work: A Paradraw

Warning: Sad.

Today is a bad day.

Most of it was fine, but I keep getting hit in the face with things that are bad, or things that make me feel bad. Or things that make me feel bad for feeling bad about them, because what the hell? I shouldn't feel bad about that anymore! Or because, well, sometimes it just sucks to be lonely.

#1. I was struck in the car today on the way from one house to another that I am borderline depressed at my life not turning out the way I always wanted it to. I've done what I thought was best, all the time, and yet? Here I am, alone again. Back where I started. Oh, wait, now I'm three years older and much more jaded. Oh! And still technically married. I'm a catch, ladies and gentlemen.

#2. Just ran across Bruce's list of great things for 2007 and, unlike some of the other things that have struck me and made me sad and jealous in really sick ways on his blog since we split up, I don't think his listing of "girls" and "girls who drink beer" are really something I can interperate wrong. Nope. Why am I like this? So bitter and sad and wanting everyone else to be too? It makes me feel sick inside. I did this because we will both be happier. Why can't I be happier first for once? See? I'm a selfish bitch.

Anyway, those are the two things I can think of that made me cry today. I'm hoping to seriously lower my score for tomorrow. Seriously.

Olden People:

Marc : But I need to go anyway, so may kill two birds with a stone, or just one. Either way, birds will be killed.
Marc : Stupid expression
sunnyfreakingday: yeah, what did the poor birds ever do?
Marc : Were people ever that stingy with stones?
Marc : I mean, who's ever said "I'd really like to kill and eat that bird, but I've already killed one bird with this stone..."
Marc : Of course, nothing from the olden days makes sense
sunnyfreakingday: yeah, those olden days.
Marc : Pop Goes the Weasel...what the hell does that mean?
sunnyfreakingday: i always pictured throwing the stone once and somehow magically hitting two birds.
sunnyfreakingday: like a rebound or something
sunnyfreakingday: which actually makes less sense, i think
Marc : Yeah, me too.
sunnyfreakingday: now, saving the stone and hitting another bird another day, now that makes sense
Marc : But I wondered why you couldn't just pick up the stone if you missed the bank shot and kill the second bird later
sunnyfreakingday: but, like you say, who's that stingy with stones?
Marc : I dunno
Marc : Olden people
sunnyfreakingday: oh, those olden people
sunnyfreakingday: i'm shaking my head.
Marc : Olden people sure liked barrels
Marc : That's one thing I've learned from video games
sunnyfreakingday: oh, indeed they did
Marc : And inns
sunnyfreakingday: yes
Marc : Did you tell you I'm addicted to an RPG?
sunnyfreakingday: no, but it's all coming clear now

Moody

Every single month I get to the point where I'm almost crying in frustration, not understanding why I'm so down and gloomy before I realize: Hey! This happened last month, too! And then I realize, Hey! This sucks! But at least I know what it is!

Steve of the Yesterday:

He: What does the "H" stand for, anyway? Heysoos?

Me: ...

He: [honestly looks for an answer to his question]

Me: Jesus doesn't start with an "H", man.

Both: [hysterical laughter causing tears to flow]

Steve of the Day:

Me: "Who's winning?"

He: "I'm up by two games, baby!" [Making inane train engineer movement with arm] "Wooo - WOOOO!!!!"

Me: "Are you trying to be hot? Who finds train noises hot?"

He: "The women during the INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION."

Love Hurts

They say love shouldn't hurt, but it does. It hurts for a lot of reasons. It hurts because if it didn't, you might not realize how important it is. It hurts because for some people, that's the only way it'd reach through their thick skins. It hurts to ignite the instinct to hold on when we get scared it's going away. It hurts. Love hurts, but in a way that lets you know you're alive.

Day FINALLY IT'S OVER:

RIP NaBloPoMo!

I'm not going to write anything down for six years, I think. I kid. I'm actually liking having a record of at least one thing going through my mind for an entire month. It's sort of nice to look back, even on the bad months.

Day 29

I told my moving buddy that I'd be ready to go at 6:00, so this is all the posting I'll get done today, chances are. I need a shower before he gets here.

Day 28:

Drunk MySpacing is probably the worst and best thing that can happen to a person. Mostly the worst, though. Definitely mostly the worst.

I reconnected with an old friend last night, and it was the eerie connection thing like we've always had. Very strange, but also kind of familiar, you know?

My new favorite thing I've ever said: "Wow. I'm so thoughtful! I can't believe how thoughtful I am. What were you thinking?"

The responder responded with silence. The responder has no idea what the responder was thinking, and the responder regrets it deeply.

Day 27

Most of my kitchen is now sitting in a storage facility in town. There it will remain until I'm ready to use it again, whenever that may be. The shed is only 10x10, so we'll see how much we can wedge in there. Hopefully, we won't have to use any of the Lake's garage, because the less explaining to do, the better.

I was not the talk of the Thanksgiving table, as I had feared. But we also didn't have our full Kiddie Table set up, and Mom joined us instead. As I whispered to Robby as she sat down, "Having a mom here totally negates the whole Kiddie Table magic." Then I spent enough of supper looking longingly at our missing member to get a kick under the table for being obvious.

Soon, the cats will move. Then goes the dog, and then goes me. Hopefully we get the rest of my stuff, as well.

Day 26

It is late, I am sleepy.

As one of my kids would say, "Go A Bed!"

#1 On my List

Dear Santa,

I've been very good this year, excepting a few big setbacks to my lifeline, and I would really love to get a Nintendo DS for Christmas. Please? I was ever-so-good to my brother, we didn't fight, not even that one time over that one boy! I always recycle, and this year I started using homemade laundry detergent and bought the expensive but not-petrolium-based dishwashing liquid! And I didn't even yell at my mom when she used the whole bottle to do my dishes one day! So, in conclusion, I feel I totally deserve this as my present for Christmas.

Good luck this next month!

Love,
Sarah

PS: I'll totally leave you some cookies. Do you want them shaped like yourself? Because I always thought that was a little borderline canibalistic, to be honest.

Random, Day 24

Today I woke up at 6:00AM to my dog pitter-pattering (remind me to clip his toenails, would you?) on the kitchen floor of the Lake House, whining all the way. I was upstairs and he was barricaded in the down, and he didn't like that. I went downstairs to try to lull him to sleep, laying on the pull-out couch with my brother for 15 minutes before realizing, "Hey, you should just take my bed upstairs. Dur." And off he went. He didn't pitter-patter, though. He clips his toenails regularly.

I called Todd to get Lee Ann's number and, just like on the first time I called, he reversed two of the first three digits. It created a large deja-vu sensation, but I dialed the way he told me anyway, because it's in my nature to think I'm wrong before anyone else is, only to get the same message I'd gotten that first time -- this number has been disconnected. Unlike the first time, I didn't panic, instead calling back, reversing those two digits, and Lee Ann answered right away. Silly me, I should trust myself.

I just finished reading "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim," by David Sedaris, and I'm in complete agreement with all of the reviews (which I also read, which I never read), he is incredibly poignant and also a comic genius. I am in love.

I am still wondering about the wedding VCR, but I'm leaning toward shipping it to Bruce. I would still like a copy of the video, and he's got the equipment to burn it onto DVD.

I drove Robby as far as Sheboygan, about half-way between here and Milwaukee. We met Tony, ate at Perkins (for the second time in one day) and then went to Target, where Robby dashed around like a madman in a panic to find some deals he was too lazy to catch yesterday. I left feeling unfulfilled. I have an embarrassing crush on Tony, who does not play for my team. Or the opposite team? Something. He's not in my league, in any case. I am in awe of him. Too bad for my vagina.

Huck is finally dressed in his new 'outfit', the collar and leash I bought him last time I went to Target. I'm not sure it fits him entirely, but it's definitely very adorable. We'll see how I like it as the week wears on, maybe I'll buy him a different set and keep these aside for my next dog. Can't you just imagine me picking out a dog on the basis of whether it will be the right size and color to fit this collar? I can. Luckily, I forgive myself for things like this.

Packing

If you didn't know, I'm moving in exactly one week. So my posts are apt to be short and meaningful on good days, and just short on the others. At least until this business is taken care of.

Status report: I'm almost done packing Bruce's things.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm making green bean casserole as I type. It smells like Thanksgiving.

I'm also sitting in my office listening to songs that I shouldn't be, songs that shouldn't be sad, really, and yet they are.

I saw an old neighbor at the bar last night, and it's possible I made him sad. I feel bad about that. I'd say I can't be held responsible for how I was last night, but I can. And I feel it. Damn.

Happy Turkey Day!

Teamwork!

I made up a new game with one of the kids I work with today. Let me tell you the story of how the day went, first. I arrived at the house at noon as scheduled, and we spent the first part of the day as usual: go fish, snack, attempt at a nap (he refused, but was nice about it).

Then we invented a new game, called "Teamwork". It involves one person holding open their mouth while the other person attempts to chuck a piece of cereal into it. We like it because it involves eating (we're both fond) and gross motor skills (I'm trying to teach).

There's a little problem, though. I'm worried about what the other therapist will say. I don't think the game is wrong, or that it isn't useful (basically any game can be made into therapy, especially if you teach manners and good language along with it), but because I don't think it'll appeal to her. She's not the type, you know?

I'm just hoping that his description of the game will be nonsensical enough to get me off the hook. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Question:

Who gets the wedding VCR?

Day 19

I almost forgot to blog tonight, I was so busy being a mass of raging hormones and bitchiness. I actually crawled out of bed in the hopes of winning a prize. I hope you're happy, NaBloPoMo.

Tupperware? TupperHERE!

Tupperware, here I come.

I know, I know, after the candle party I told everyone I wouldn't do it again, it was too stressful and almost not worth it and I've still got most of those candles in the boxes they came in, but... Well, I like candles more in theory than in practice. I like Tupperware in practice!

At the party I won a free thing specifically for keeping 1/2 an onion in your fridge, which is handy. I bought some measuring spoons, the ones that will sit on the counter without tipping over. They were $10.00 in the bulk bin, but she accepted my $7.00. Had I known I could haggle with her, I might have tried it on more stuff.

I went to the party at my brother's house, and my cousin was there sitting with me on the couch. I was half-hungover, and I was the class-clown of the party, making snarky comments and all. Somebody thought it would be a good idea to buy me a peppermint mocha before I went, and I think that contributed to the hyper. I could *not* stop talking. It was I was replaced by a really funny robot whose only function was to talk. I was embarrassed at myself as it was happening, but I couldn't stop. The words, they just kept spilling from my mouth! It was insane!

Part of what caused me such humor was sitting next to Cousin and realizing at the same moment as she did that practically all of our toys growing up were Tupperware toys. Yeah, we had them all -- the stencils, the plastic ball with cut-outs to put shapes through. We had one of the horns that you pound on something and a ball goes flying out from! That one was definitely the best of the bunch. It made me want to buy that for somebody. Anybody. Heck, I want one for myself again.

Anyway, the party's on January 20th. And you're invited!

Would you like to buy some Tupperware?

Twittering about Twittering

My brother: Tupperwhere? TupperHERE!!!

We could never be as amusing to other people as we are to each other. Too bad we're related and find each other completely unattractive. Alas, it was never meant to be.

Day 16: Cop-Out Post

Your Score: A heartbeat he has

You 're at 94% vital signs!

You're really close to becoming an EMT, in fact you may already be in class now. If not? What are you waiting for? With a little bit more knowledge and learning you might be able to make on heck of an emt! But just wait till the harder stuff kicks in, I just gave you a taste of the waters. This was the easy stuff, can you handle it?

Link: The Could you be a Medic/EMT Test written by crow-girl on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I scored pretty well on this test, and that's where I think my skills lie: in being able to fake my way through a test, pretending I know the answers. This worked VERY well for me in high school, and moderately well in college (when I went to class). You know that nightmare that most college kids have at one point, the one where they show up to a final and realize when they get there that they haven't been to the class all semester? I lived it, more than once. And I did surprisingly well, considering!

G-B-C-B

This is the longest week in history. Next week will be the shortest, and the the week after that will be cruel, because it will beat this weeks record for longest week ever. I'm skipping right past looking forward to next week, into dreading the week after that. There's something depressingly pessimistic about the mindset I'm in right now. It's a little crazy. Stupid menses.

So yeah! I'm making the Green Bean Casserole for Thanksgiving this year. Yeah, that's right. I'm the Green Bean Casserole Bringer. It's a title of reverance, because one year somebody (I'm not naming names... We'll call her Dant Aebby) made it using frozen green beans, and didn't cook it long enough to cook them. We ate raw green beans in a sea of mushroom soup that year, and none of us will ever forget it. Ever since that fateful year, Dant Aebbie brings the rolls. (Store-bought.) Everyone is happier. Especially those relatives too polite to not clean their plates. (Not I, I will happily zip past you and scrape into the garbage. If you can't be honest with your relatives, who can you be honest with? Although I'd probably fib on the exact reason. "Oh, guess I'm just not in a bean mood!" or something similar.)

Does your family engage in the "Who eats first?" dance?

Day 14

I was talking to a guy from a dating site last night before bed, and my final advice to him was, "Don't get your girlfriend pregnant."

Which, believe me, is sound advice, but still. Something wrong there.

My Responces:

Call it an experiment. I texted the same tongue twister to five people today. Here are the responces I got:

"LOL"

"As much as a woodchuck could chuck wood."

"I dunno... Ten pounds per day per kilogram of the woodchuck's body weight?"

and my personal favorite:

"Huh?"

12 Emails?

TWELVE? I haven't had twelve emails since I started having a "junk" email address. Since I started using Gmail. Since I've had a freaking spam filter.

Dear Megan,

Please stop sending me forwards.

Thanks!

Your co-worker from four years ago.

Day 11

I almost started a brawl last night. Yeah, that's something to make me ashamed for quite a while.

I might get a roommate instead of moving out. I'll talk to my landlord later.

I got most of my stuff straightened out for work, and actually called in my hours this week. I feel like a rockstar.

Luckily, my schedule is the same on Monday as it always has been, because my other days are all messed up. I need to double check when the people think I'm coming to their houses.

Can we say disjointed post? Stupid NaBloPoMo. Stupid posting when hungover. Stupid self.

Last month a stranger came up to someone I was with at the bar and asked her if she knew that I had "giant hooters". At least I'm not that stupid.

Nephew Meeting Day

That's the official title for today. From henceforth, all second Saturdays of the eleventh month shall be known as Nephew Meeting Day.

Can you tell I'm excited? I'm bringing my camera, so I can share him with you guys. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

So when I took the dog out this morning, as every morning, I didn't even put shoes on my feet, just wrangled him out there and gave him his food and stumbled back into the house. Except this time, I'd somehow managed to lock the door on my way out. Don't ask me how it happened, it just did.

I tried the front door too, but that one was locked as well. (Bruce, you taught me well. Remind me to thank you. Ahem.) So I was faced with some options. There's the stuck-up lawyer across the street (no thank you), the strangers with the loud mentally disabled guy I went to school with kiddy-corner (um, I'd rather not), and the hot neighbor*. I of course chose the hot neighbor.

(My neighbor is alarmingly hot. Lisa (of Lisa and Todd) and I have been watching her all summer long. One time we were driving to the house having a great conversation and we passed her and there was silence, because we were both checking her out. She is pretty, but most of all she's got a fantastic booty and she's always walking down our road for excercise while reading her book. Oh, and on top of it all, she's from a foreign country and has a very interesting accent. We've been speculating on her and discussing her for months now.)

I knocked on the door, not really expecting anyone to answer (did I mention this was at 8:30?), but she came right to the door. Not in sweat pants, like I was, but in actual jeans-and-sweater clothes she was going to wear for the day. She tells me that yes, of course I can use her phone, so I call my mom. (She's got the spare key, and will be with me in a few minutes.) As I hang up the phone, HN offers me a cappuccino. Yeah, I know. I accept, and she offers me toast. I try to say no, but she's just too hospitable. I can't resist.

After a few minutes, I introduce myself, "Oh, by the way, I'm Sarah." She laughs, "Oh, I know that." I look confused, we haven't actually met before, I'm sure I'd remember. She says, "I used to work with your friend at Walmart... Todd."

Lisa is going to die.

Day 9

I think I was supposed to send something in to work, some form? Something I had to sign? By today, but I didn't. Yep, that sucks.

I rented six movies, including Ratatouille, which I'm going to watch right now. As they put in a new driveway. Yeah, that's right. My landlord noticed I needed the potholes in my gravel fixed the month before I move out. Convenient, eh?

I'm contemplating buying my parent's house from them. So we'll see how that goes.

Rifling

I was looking through all of my various website pictures yesterday, and I stumbled across this beauty. Now, it's labeled "Untitled-1" so I can't glean from the title what was going on in my head, but maybe one of you can help me out. Anybody?

Bueller?

Restless

I'm starting at a new house tomorrow. New house, new kid. I'm a little nervous, because one of the girls I trained with used to work at this house, and I think it might be part of the reason she quit. I don't know, all I can do is keep an open mind and help as much as possible and ask the boss if I have any concerns. Shouldn't be too hard, as the boss is a girl I went to school with for 13 years. Actually, I called her tonight on the way home to tell her a story. Today I said to Huck, in all seriousness, "Use your words!"

Yeah, that's a work phrase. Doesn't so much work on the non-verbal.

I'm feeling restless because I don't think I've done much lately. I'm bored with my usual (watch TV alone, go to work, read alone, go to bed alone) and I don't know how to fix it. Or the ways I can think of to fix it aren't appealing right now. The easy way out would be to find someone to spend some time with, maybe even doing the same things I'm already doing, but I can't think of anybody I want to do those things with. And I can't have anybody over, because the house is trashed. But who wants to clean the house? It all seems like so much work. I think I'm falling into a funk. I'm lonely, I guess. People have had this problem for millenia. Maybe I should suck it up.

Day 7

The time is drawing nearer when I'm moving back to my parents' house. I know most of you are probably cringing at the very idea, but I think it's the best decision for me right now. I want to pay off some of the debt that's been riding along with me for almost 10 years (student loans, ha. What good did being a student ever do me?) and then save up some money. I hope to someday buy a house, and it's not going to happen before those two things get done.

I like my parents, but I'm worried about some things. Things like my animals. Specificially, Huck. He's very naughty, and my parents let him get away with it. I'm going to have to specifically put down some ground rules so he doesn't turn into the world's worst dog while we're living there.

Rules:

1. No people food.

2. No people food. No matter how cute he looks.

3. If people food falls to the floor and he snatches it, either ignore him completely and let him think he's sneakier than he is, or shout at him and shake a spoon or something to make him think you're really mad that he ate the people food. Do not make squealy noises or otherwise indicate that you're secretly pleased he got away with something.

4. It's not cute when he jumps up into your face. No matter what your brain is telling you. Don't let him do it. No excuses.

5. Don't make him think he is the most important part of your day. Even if he is. He shouldn't be. He's a dog.

I'm sure there are more. I'm getting antsy thinking about it. This will be ok, right? RIGHT?

Day 6

I knew I almost forgot something.

Last week, I forgot to call in my hours in the automated system. Which is not a huge problem, because I will get paid for them. What I need to do in order to be paid is to email one of the people higher on the totem pole my hours so that she may enter them into the system manually. This means admitting my own incompetence, and I hate it very much. I'm avoiding it because I hate it. If I avoid it much longer, I might have problems getting paid. What am I, an ostrich?

In other news, I have to pack up Bruce's things in two 30lb. boxes and send them off with UPS to his new house. Which, as you might imagine, previous to a few months ago, was not something I ever pictured myself doing. Ever.

Rough Day?

Today is my "long day" at work. I leave the house around 7:30 and get back at 7:45. I'm getting used to it, and there's really no reason it should stress me out the way it does. I'm getting better, though. Last month, I worried about getting enough sleep on Sunday night all weekend long. Yesterday, I worried about it off and on from 3:30 until bedtime. Sigh. See? It's getting better.

I'm going to try to wean myself off of gas station cappuccino. It can't be good for me. But you see, there's a gas station right on my drive to work, and I always leave too early like a paranoid worrier and end up realizing I've got some time to kill just as I pass that place. Plus, it's good and I am weak.

We'll see how that goes, too. Lisa's been on this health kick, and although I hate being on a health kick, I think she's starting to drag me down with her. Damn you for wanting to be healthy! I spent $60 at the grocery store last Friday. Why is it that healthy food costs so much more? It's a conspiracy.

What Time is it?

I am so lost. The clocks got changed last night, right? Nobody told me, so I'm a little confused. Is it really 12:17? PM? Just checking.

I almost forgot to post today. It's going to be a long month.

My house is a mess. I need to clean, but it's hard when every time you turn around, there's a kitten knocking the plants off the shelves. And lasagna being made willy-nilly.

Yeah, I made lasagna last night, and it is amazing. My first try. Very good stuff. (I'm really glad I like it, because I'm going to be eating it for at least a week.) I made it with some of my homemade sauce, and I think that made the biggest difference. It is seriously excellent.

Work Research. Yeah, I Have the Best Job.

Day 2

Last night, I tried signing up for NaBloPoMo, and I think the ads on the page were messing with me. It just didn't work. I'm hoping to give it another shot today, I'll keep my fingers crossed.

I haven't blogged in so long that it's going to take a little while for me to get back into the swing of things. Another problem is that many of the things going on in my life are feeling more personal than usual, or more painful. I'm not used to serious blogging, I've always been more of a superficial blogger. I could continue along that path, but it would feel like I was ignoring the serious things that are going on right now. It's going to be a little touch-and-go.

Down the street from me, they tore up the road to put in a new culvert this morning. I didn't hear a word about it until Lisa picked me up to go to Clintonville, and then the workerman seemed really put upon that we were driving through. Well, fella, if you're going to tear up a dead-end road, you might want to give the people who live at the end a little notice before you remove their only way out. I'm just sayin'.

I'm almost done with the "His Dark Materials" trilogy of books, and I will be letting you know what I think of them at the end. Although, right now? Go read them, and then we can dish. I like them.

Welcome to NaBloPoMo!

I will be participating this year for the second year running, if only to pull myself out of my anti-blogging funk by my bootstraps. (I don't actually own boots, so it might be harder than it sounds.)

I know I haven't been blogging very much, but part of the reason behind that is because although this blog is very much my own, I started it mere hours before I met my husband, Bruce. And we're not together anymore. I'm sure I'll get into that more as the month goes on, but it's your basic story. Painful, for sure, but I'm not the first to go through it and I will sadly not be the last. I hope we can be life-long friends, and I'm going to do whatever I can to make that happen.

But it sucks.

On that note, I start my posting for the month. Enjoy! Doom and Gloom! I'm sure you'll be back for more of this!

Dove Video

What do you think?

Paranoia RE:Work

Lisa: all right...i'm 1-cl wednesday if you are able to do breakfast and/or a puzzle

Sarah: well, i work at 12 on wednesday, which means i have to leave at 11:15

Lisa: more like 9:15 if you want to be safe

Sarah: so if i go to bed at 10, that means i can lay awake until 12:30 and get up at 9:45 to be safe

Lisa: lol
your schedule sounds eerily like mine

Sarah: and then i can either walk around the house aimlessly terrified that i'll fall asleep somewhere or i can maybe meet you for breakfast and/or a puzzle

Lisa: lol
i always set my alarm after i'm well awake "just in case i fall asleep"
i'll set it for 2:30pm
you know, since i always fall asleep wherever i'm standing in the afternoon

Sauce II

I'm sitting here in my cold, cold house wondering what I should do in the space of time between now and being up north tonight.

Of course, I could always make some more effing sauce.

Guess what? I'm an aunt! He was born on Thursday, 10lbs 3oz. He and Mom are both doing fine.

Saucy

These are the tomatoes I've been waiting to make into sauce for almost a week. They are fresh from my overrun garden and they make very good sauce, if I do say so myself.

I'm being overrun by tomatoes. I have too many. I thought I'd be in the clear when I planted, because Bruce wasn't planning on being gone 75% of the time and my dad was doubtful that I'd ever have enough, but here I sit. Making tomato sauce every single day for the rest of my life without an end in sight.

Yesterday I looked in the fridge and thought, "Well, tomorrow I can use up these and the ones ripening on the island, and then maybe next week I can make another batch." Today I went out to the garden and found a whole canvas bag full of perfectly ripe tomatoes just waiting to be picked. So this morning I made a batch of sauce.  Actually, it was more than this morning, it was all day.  

This is the bunch I picked today.

Then I went and Wii'ed at a friend's house.  I am a terrible golfer.  I'm sure anyone who's miniature golfed with me in the past would attest to it, and I'm here to tell you now;  I'm a terrible golfer.

I have at least three more batches of sauce to make, which means three more packages of italian sausage and mushrooms and green peppers to buy.  Who has sauce without those things?  Not my house, that's who.

This Post Will Suck

Just to warn you. I've got lots going on but not much to talk about. In a strange way.

The fair is this week, and I'm super-excited to go. I can't wait to find someone to go with! Will someone go with me? Please? Pretty please? Nobody has the time, money, or inclination. Or rather, no one has the magical combination of all three. Damnit.

My brakes are bad, and they're being fixed. It seems there might be more to the problem than the lines themselves, which is a pooper. It might actually be that little box do-ma-jig sort of to the side? But kind of underneath? Them. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that it's not the box. From what I understand, the box is more work.

There's also the matter of the car-before, the matter being that it's still doomed to live out it's last days in the garage. That is, unless someone can fix it. Which they might be able to do. And hey, free car repairs? Are awesome. It helps to have buddies with spare time.

I've got the cutest picture of Stinky with Bruce. You'll just die when you see it.



There. Did you die? I thought you would.

Me: Circa 2002

Quiz

Your Score: English Genius

You scored 92% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 80% Advanced, and 80% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Green-Eyed Monster

If I told you that this morning I put on my heavy yoga pants and an extra sweatshirt, I bet most of America would envy me to death. I'm prepared for that. I looked at the thermometer outside the window - it's a little over 50F. Luckily, most of America has no idea where I live.

I have an interview this morning for, well, I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that I don't have any professional looking clothes. That don't show part of my boobies. I'm going with an old standard, and I'm sure it'll be fine. Or as fine as it can be when I've only got the vaguest idea what the job is about. Something with milk. That's about as far as I've gotten.

We'll see. It actually sounds pretty cool, because I love to learn new things. I hope I get hired so I can see what the job's all about. Maybe learn a thing or two about milk.

I'll let you know.

Purging

Bruce is coming home on either Thursday or Friday, and I have to say, this is long-overdue. No more two months in between visits. Yep, that's all I've got to say about that.

In the meantime, though, I'm trying to clean the house in a rush - don't want him coming home to see that Lazy has moved in in his absence. Actually, it looks more like Hurricane Lazy struck the house. And stayed for a visit. I'm clearing things up, though.

Did you know that when you do laundry but neglect to fold, eventually you won't be able to reach the machines to do more laundry? It's funny how that works. Not to fear, though, I've taken care of that mess. Well, most of it.

It's also Clean Out the Fridge day - garbage day is tomorrow. I think I'll expand it this week to include my closets. I don't like to throw away clothes. I have a deep attachment to most of them. I can remember what I was wearing when I first met Bruce, and while it doesn't really fit me anymore, it would be sad to get rid of it. Sure it was a Walmart shirt, probably cost me five dollars, tops, but that isn't the point for me. I made out on the dock in that shirt. That's a big deal for me.

Most of the clothes I'm talking about don't have that kind of memory attached, though. Most of them have several memories of me trying to wear them because I had nothing else to wear, being uncomfortable for a few hours, and remembering why I don't like to wear them. Then I forgot they were uncomfortable and put them back in the closet, and the cycle repeated. I'm going to bring these clothes to Goodwill. There's no point in keeping them.

Quiz Time

54%

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

Happy Birthday to Me!

I stopped by the local grocers to pick up some beer tonight. As usual, the girl asked for my identification, and I gave it to her. (It will be quite a shock for me when I stop looking under 21.) She apologized, and I waved it off, it's nothing. I used to work at a gas station, and I know how intimidating it can be at times to ask for identification. I don't mind showing my ID. It's a fact of life.

This time was a little different. She took one look at my birthdate, looked a second time and said, "Oh! Well, I must have just made your day!"

(I'm pausing, to let that sink in a little.)

I think that falls under the category of things that I Can Say to You, but You Cannot Say to Me.

Anyway, here's to being twenty-seven! In four days!

Sometimes, Moms Are Scary

Mary: i don't think that i told you that grama sally had surgery on a hernia yesterday. but it went well, and i expect she is coming home today
Sent at 2:47 PM on Thursday

Sarah: yeah, i think you did tell me, i'm glad it all went well

Mary: WHAT??

Sarah: uh, huh?

Mary: WHAT YA GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU

Sarah: bad boys?
please tell me what's going on?

Mary: YEAH, BAD BOYS, I GOT THE WORDS WRONG, AND DADDY KNEW IT RIGHT AWAY WHEN I SAID IT................CRYBABY, CRYBABY WHAT THEN?

_ _ _

Eventually, I realized she was commenting on an old status message I had - a really, really old status message. I have no idea how she saw it, it's months old.

My Sister

I've had this blog for three years now, and I keep forgetting to tell you all the story of my sister. It's a big story for me, and I always wanted to wait until I could tell it just right, but I'm not sure there is a "just right" way. And it deserves to be told, it's important.

So! In the spring of 2001, I found out I have a sister. My mom gave her up for adoption before I was born. Then she met my dad, they got married, and they started our family. Mom didn't tell me about her daughter, because she never knew if she'd try to contact her. She didn't want me to always wonder about her. Well, in 2001, Mom didn't have to wonder anymore. She got in contact with her, and wanted to meet us. We met her. Her name is Rachel. She's due to have a baby around Labor Day.

I went through a lot of weird stuff when I found out. I wished I had known. I went through some crazy bad times, some lonely times when I was in school, and I know I would have felt better had I been able to think about my sister being out there somewhere. Even if I'd never met her, it would have been possible, and that would have been cool.

I do understand why Mom didn't tell us, though, because it was painful for her and she wanted to spare us some of that pain. I'm happy that she made the choice she did, mostly because I'm not sure I'd be here if she'd have kept the baby.

Sometimes I think it screwed me up in the head a little bit. I think it messed me up a little bit to think I was the first child when I really wasn't. I think it had a bearing on the way I turned out. None of this is Rachel's fault, but for a while, I resented her.

Needless to say, I'm a big proponant of honesty with children. Creativity and imagination are wonderful, and I won't ever quash them, but honesty is important. I'm not talking about abolishing Santa Claus, but definitely acknowledging the Rachels.

Update on the Cow (and Other Things)

Me: Howdy, neighbor!

Him: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Good. Say, I have a question for you...

Him: Shoot.

Me: What do you make of the cow?

Him: ...[Looks at me like I might be crazy]... Hmmm, what cow?

Me: ...

Cow: mmmMOOOOOOO!

Does that cow have timing, or does that cow have timing?

(We decided that what the neighbor makes of the cow is that I should call the person in charge of neighborhood cows. I called yesterday morning, the fella said he'd send someone down, and as of tonight, there is still a cow. I can tell from the mmmMOOOOOOO!ing.)

In other news, I partially ran over the kitten with my office chair today. He cried, I panicked. I couldn't find anything overtly wrong with him and he didn't flinch when I prodded him all over, so I assumed he was fine. I monkeyed around online, took the dog outside, got a glass of wine, etc. Then realized I hadn't seen the kitten in a while. Called for him all over the house (Stiiiiinky, Stiiiiiiiiiiiiiinky! STINKY!!!) to no avail. Kept calling and searching for 15 minutes or more before losing all of my shit. Kept picturing poor kitten hiding in a closet somewhere dying from internal injuries from desk chair, too weak to meow a response. Wanted to call Bruce, but he's working and can do very very little from 750 miles away. Called best friend instead, and best friend talked me down. Three minutes after hanging up with her, I found him in the bottom drawer of my desk, sleeping. I called her back to tell her he hadn't died of internal smooshing and heard her boyfriend in the background, feigning great distress and generally mocking me. Now I'm not sure what to do. I understand on a fundamental level why it was very funny for me to be freaking out, because it was highly unlikely that the kitten would be dying in a closet, but at the same time? It wasn't very funny to me. Also, I feel like he could have waited until she hung up to make fun of me. Am I wrong?

I've been reading another book by one of my very favorite authors, Anna Maxted. When we were camping, I read Behaving Like Adults, and it was possibly the best novel I've read in a long time. (Except for Goodbye, Lemon, by Adam Davies, another one of my very favorite authors.) After finishing the Anna Maxted, I came home and borrowed another one straight away from the library. Halfway through Being Committed, I found the most amusing passage about an old song, one that echos my own feelings:

Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me,
I'm off to Alabama with a banjo on my knee!

I heard the tune on one of Jude's plastic toys and recalled the words out of nowhere. And wondered why Susanna would waste her time moping after a man who was so plainly a conceited idiot--moseying off to Alabama with a banjo, daring to imagine her distraught?! She was probably glad to see the back of him--him, his silly banjo, and his unrealistic view of job opportunities in the music business. Susanna--I imagined her demure and blond, in a checked pinafore, baby blue and white--was probably too well brought up to tell him she loathed his banjo playing and him.

Bottoms-R-Us

Last week, my mom mentioned how hard it is for my sister to be pregnant, how she's probably the only pregnant lady that's ever existed to be this pregnant, and how funny all of that is.  And it is, because we all knew (more or less) that this would be how it would be, because she's that way.  Everything is more when it happens to my sister.  I think part of it stems back to her adoption, and her early childhood.  But it's still funny.  Get my drift?

I was talking with Lee Ann about it on the day I got the kitten, and mentioned how Rach was complaining to my mom about her "bottom" hurting, and how it hurt worse than she'd ever have imagined, as if she were the first pregnant lady to have that particular problem.  Lee Ann informed me that it was actually common, and she wasn't surprised that she'd been talking about it, because it's sort of, well, all-encompassing, and it takes over your mind when it happens.  I was a little alarmed, and felt bad for making fun of my sister for talking about it, because apparently it would be slightly more alarming if she wasn't bringing it up to everyone.  Then I told her that Rach was due at the end of August.  

"Oh!" said Lee Ann.  "Usually that doesn't happen until much later."

There you go.  The most pregnant of all the women that ever were.

Intruducing: Stinky

Welcome home, Stinky! You're going to be a great addition to our little family, I can tell already. Linus is already getting used to you (mostly), and for Huck, well, you were love at first sight. Too bad you weren't quite as fond of him, but nevermind! The affection, it will come after the tolerance, I'm sure of it!

You cried for the first 48 hours, unless you were asleep. If you were playing, eating, drinking, pooping, or wondering where I was, you cried. Three days later, and you're only crying when I leave the house. And sometimes when you clean yourself. You're down to 20 hours a day, and that's a huge improvement! What a brave kitty!

You are the greyest kitty I've ever met, not a shred of pink about you. Not even the pads of your feet are pink. Your tongue is the only bit that isn't grey, and it's very cute because of that.

You're going to love your new home. I guarantee it.

Auntie Sunny

Sometime at the end of the summer, I'll finally become an aunt. To Owen. Yeah, that's right.

When I heard the name for the first time (last week), I breathed a sigh of relief. At least it's not a name I'd choose for my own kid. You don't know how cranky I'd have been if she'd chosen one of my names. (Shayla? No, but my version of it.)

Vacation was effing great. I'm so tanned that I don't really resemble myself anymore. I catch my own eye in the mirror and scare myself. I shouldn't have hair this dark if I'm going to tan this quickly. It ain't right.

I got to spend many hours of fun and frolic with my mom's cousins' kids and Hannah and Phil. They're so awesome at this age. I'll always remember how, when we were out swimming in the lake full of waves, Phil would inadvertantly get a mouthful of waves. I would pick him up, clap his back, and tell him to let me kwow when he'd caught his breath. After the first episode, I'd barely get him out of the water before he'd sputter, "Cot mine breff!" Later, he told me, "That swimming was my best."

Speaking of nieces and nephews, Hannah got her ears pierced today, for her birthday. She was the bravest girl, when they pulled the triggers, I could tell she wanted to cry, but she didn't. She was a brave girl. I've got some pictures, maybe I'll share one tomorrow.

ALONG WITH MY KITTEN PICTURES! Yeah, that's right. I'm gettin' a kitten. Tomorrow.

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N (Placeholder of DOOOM!)

I'm going camping tomorrow, until at least next week Thursday. (If I have anything to say about it, it'll be later than that before I come back home.) I'm so looking forward to this, my family's been doing it for about twenty years now, and it's been perfected.

We've got all the supplies we need, we're well-established and even recognize some of the other campers from year to year. When we started going, I was seven. Now the older cousins who hadn't even been married back then have kids who are going into high school next year. They're taller than I am. This is amazing.

We camp next to the most beautiful lake I've ever seen, with crystal clear water and practically no vegetation. In water up to your neck, you can gaze down and see the grains of sand on your toes. It's the most perfect place I've been.

This year, it's going to be even better, because my brother is coming with us. I can't wait until tomorrow. If you need me, I'll be holding my breath over here.

Last Straw

Sarah: OMG there's a place in SW MO selling CHEESE CURDS
http://www.localharvest.org/farms/M10790

bruce: LMAO
nice

Sarah: That's it, I can move back now
:D

Dead Horse? Beaten

I think one of my oldest friends and I are drifting apart.  When I look back on the years, it's been happening for quite some time, but it's still stingy, you know what I mean?

She's always been a black-and-white person. I have a huge quadrant of grey. Huge. Most people would think I'm dull to be so accepting. I realized a few months ago that part of the reason we've been friends for so long is that I think she's mind-boggling. She's so different. In that she's so snooty about so many things.

I don't know. I didn't used to feel this way about her. She didn't used to be so crabby and judgemental. I can feel our friendship slipping away, and I'm honestly not sure what kept me holding on for so long.

This feeling isn't pleasant.

Steam Engine, 4th

Don't hit play at work, it's loud.  You've been warned.



This has been the soundtrack to my 4th of July parade since I was in the womb.  Recently, I had to miss a couple of years due to being in Missouri, but I was back full-force this year.  It did me good to see all the familiar faces and sights.  My little cousins that I used to sling over my shoulder and carry around are now taller than I am.  Next week we'll be going camping and I'll get to know them a little better.  

It's not fair that they turned into people when I wasn't looking.  

Bliss

Remember my never-ending (sometimes slightly less all-encompassing, but nevertheless vigilant) search for cotton candy ice cream?  

Kemps has a special edition out in stores now.  Go, ye ice cream craving bastards.  

I'm Ready to be an M&M

Make your own here.

Circle of Life

One time in college, I was in the coffee shop when I got a panicked call from my mom.  She couldn't figure out why the internet box wouldn't let her read the whole line.  She was border-line hysterical, and it took me about ten minutes to figure out what she was talking about, and another five to explain the concept of maximized and minimized windows.  It was hell.

I just had a similar conversation with her.  It wasn't until I was off the phone that I realized it's been about five years since that college story.  I'm getting old.

Happy Birthday, Lisahhhhh!

Lonesome

I almost had a bonfire tonight.  Then I realized that I can't picture sitting around a bonfire by myself.  (First of all:  painful to attempt that.)

I miss my B.  I want that house he's looking at, the one with the giant yard, where Huck could run free while we had a bonfire and talked.  Where I could grow an enormous garden, or maybe have the same amount of vegetables, spread out so that I'm not growing a jungle.  Maybe we could get a goat?  Probably not a goat.  I think it's just the knowlege that we could have a goat that I like about that place.  You think that if they allow a goat, they'd allow chickens, right?  Maybe a couple of chickens.  (Whenever I think about my desire for chickens, I think of this bookwhich, by the way, is a very good book.)

This is pretty much a stream-of-consciousness post, and my consciousness is being interrupted by the fireworks, so I'll leave you to your day.  Carry on, and all that.  

Updates!

I haven't talked about Huckleberry in a while, so here are a few fun facts:

He loves to ride in the car. And he can smile.



If I mention "Daddy", he will sit and watch out the window for him.



He came back from my mom and dad's house after a two-day vacation with his customary "I've been at Grandma and Grandpa's" limp (they have stairs, he's too enthusiastic, and yes, I'm a teensy bit peeved they haven't blocked them off yet) with an eating disorder. He's always been the type to drool over his dish until I tell him "OK" and then he inhales it and looks for more, so when he wouldn't touch it last night, I called Mom to see if they'd, I dunno, given him "lunch" or something. If there was some reason he wasn't hungry at "TIME". ("TIME" as in, "Huckleberry, is it TIME? *cue hysterical dancing and celebration from the dog.) He didn't eat all last night, and this morning, out of sheer desperation, I brought the food dish into the kitchen. When I walked in the door, he got all excited (cue hysterical, if limpy, dancing, etc) and barely bothered to chew as usual. Apparently, Mom and Dad have taught him he can eat inside. Damn them!

As far as the Linus goes, there are a few fun updates:

He loves watching my birdfeeders outside the window.



He suddenly discovered the bathroom sink, but will only lay in there if someone's in the bathroom with him.



He spent all last week and part of this one laying under the coffee table with his belly sticking out, panting.



Oh! And have I mentioned he likes to try to mount the dog?

Cow, Part II

I had the nicest laugh with my mom yesterday about our cow situation.

What? You thought I was kidding? No, we still have a cow. Two houses down from us. We live in a residential neighborhood. The outskirts, but still. I keep trying to figure out why. Why would one have a cow in one's backyard?

I feel like baking a batch of muffins and taking it over, and when they invite me in for coffee, leading the conversation casually to farm animals. (In this scenario, we live in the suburbs in the fifties.) "So, by the by..."

Then I think, what if they're holding it for a friend? Cowsitting? Then I think, what sort of person buys a cow before they've got the space for it? Don't you just walk past the cow aisle if you don't have... a barn?

I thought maybe I could call our town constable (we have a constable, how jealous does that make you?) and say, "Hypothetically speaking, what should one do if one's neighbor is harboring a cow?"

As of yesterday, it's still there. I'll be sure to keep you updated. Ooh! Maybe I can sneak a picture or two!

Under: What the Fuck?

What would you say if you were still a member of a dating site (or friendship site!) and although you rarely checked in on your messages, just discovered that your profile had been saved by a gentleman who made it known on his profile that he has one of these?

If what you'd say and what I had to say are anything at all alike, I should have warned you to cover your mouth so your screaming doesn't alert your coworkers. Just sayin'.



______

(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Free Flowing

For the past three weeks or so, my bathtub drain hasn't been flowing as it should. It's been stopped up. The water will go down, eventually, but it takes a few hours. Yeah, hours. Gross, I know. I hadn't mentioned it to B, because he feels bad enough about being gone as is, and I hadn't gotten around to asking Dad about it yet. When B got here on Thursday night after taking the Greyhound up here, of course the first thing he wanted to do was take a shower. And of course the first thing he noticed then was that the drain wasn't, well... draining. He mentioned it to Dad when they came over for a cookout on Saturday night, and Dad offered his assistance.

Now, I normally think that one's drains are one's own business, but when someone offers their expertise and I can barely plunge correctly, I'll take it.

Dad came by today and looked at the drain. He plunged for a good long while before sticking his finger down the drain. I shuddered.

Dad: Lots of hair down here.

Me: Yes, but that's not my fault. That's your fault. It didn't come from Mom's side.

Dad: (nods.)

After about five more minutes of expert plunging (I had no idea there was such a finesse to it!), Dad decided we might need to get the snake involved. (Luckily, my dad's the sort who has a snake.) As we talked about the snake, he monkeyed around with the stopper. Flipped it from the down position to the up. And unstopped the drain.

My only consolation is that Bruce didn't try that, either.

Love Thy Neighbor

Yesterday Huck got away from me, and the neighbors had a cow!

I mean, literally. Like, "MOO!"

I wonder if it's OK to have a cow in your backyard in this neighborhood? I never asked. It's just a baby. Are they growing their own veal? Because it's not exactly a couple of acres they've got here, it's barely more land than we have. Maybe they're cowsitting?

I love this neighborhood.

Fixing

So, I cleaned the fridge. It was more of an undertaking than usual, because I haven't exactly been on top of the 'smell & pitch' method I usually use, and it's been a while since the last time I cleaned. I had leftovers in there from before Bruce went to Missouri. He's been gone for almost a month.

Completely unrelated Fun Fact!: Lemons sometimes get mouldy and turn into vaguely lemon-shaped (but shrunken) balls of green dust that will rise up in a toxic cloud when you try to pick them up and throw them away. I'm only guessing, but I don't think it's a good idea to inhale the cloud.

Update:

- OMG, Elliot is Becky number two! I love revelations like this.

- In a few weeks, we're getting another kitten. Here's a picture.

- I went to Pride in Milwaukee this weekend, and it was filled with awesome things and people and I was so proud. I am so proud. There were these judgemental people at the gates with a megaphone talking about how wrong homosexuality is, and I wanted to give them what-for, but my brother wouldn't let me. And then I saw, across the street from these pricks, a mom with a picket sign, "God blessed me with a gay son." Isn't this a strange world? I have tons of hope, though, and I think there are steps being taken every day, steps leading us to a place that isn't judgemental or cruel. Someplace that is more free.

I got a bunch of pictures with some of the cutest boys you ever did see. I'll show them when I get them developed. Also? I went to a foam party. And? I SAW KATHY GRIFFIN. It was the most amazing thing I barely remember. Stupid $4.00 beers.

- I joined Facebook. How is it possible that it's more addicting than Myspace?

Revelations

Last night, I spent the night watching the first few episodes of season two of Desperate Housewives and drinking from the perpetual box of wine in my fridge. I spread some love around the internet, let some people in on some (not-so wise) wisdom, and generally felt like an ass all day long for the things I can't quite remember I did late last night.

Tonight, I went to see a few old friends and ended up catching up with more than I can count. I saw someone I'd been nervous to see again, and things went well. I got five unexpected hugs. I met somebody new, someone who could be a friend. I met someone I knew from a long time ago, but didn't really know. I saw two people I haven't seen in at least three years, one I hadn't seen in six or seven, and I drank three Sundrops. I had an awesome time. Apart from being completely wired on the sugariest soda known to man, I'm feeling very very good. I didn't say anything I won't remember saying tonight, and I certainly didn't say anything I'll regret. I helped a girl keep track of her purse. Tonight was good.

I've got some thinking to do.

Teamwork

This morning I woke up to a clack. Something had fallen from somewhere, and it sounded like Linus was the culprit. Linus is usually the culprit.

Of course I went running, and guess what I found?

Linus was dropping dog treats to the floor for Huck.

Yeah.

I'll Take That One!

Last night, in one of my many dreams, I went to see the new kittens.

Lisa pointed out the ones she thought were the best, like a black and white kitty. Those are always her favorites.

I immediately gravitated to the orange tabby kittens. There were two of them, and the first one I went to Lisa warned me away from. "He's like a tiger, be careful!" I picked up the second one.

He weighed as much as Linus. Immediately when I touched him, he started purring.

I think I'll be slightly disappointed when I get to see the kittens. I want another one of these:

and I think it's virtually impossible to find.

On My Mind

On my to-do list

In my yard

Bruce and I discussed bringing another soul into the family (forgive me, I just rewatched the first season of Big Love), and we decided we're ready for it. A kitten is just what the doctor ordered. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your POV), there always seem to be kittens in need of a good home. Lisa's mom's cat just had a litter (today!) and as soon as they're big enough, I'll get to take my favorite home to meet the Linus. Fingers crossed that the Linus won't mind too much.

I was turning off the lights and double-checking the locks tonight before I came in to write this, and I was amazed all of a sudden at how completely happy I really am. Sure, some things could be better. Bruce could be here, the house could be clean, what have you, but those things don't really matter very much in the long run.

Bruce is gone because it's a fantastic opportunity for him to do what he's been working towards for years now, for great pay and benefits. He's not away all of the time, and the time he is away he's getting to spend time with his best friend whom he's seen far too little of in the past year. He was stagnant working from home all the time. The work he's doing, will get to do with his new job is exciting. I love to hear him excited. The house? I'll clean it later.

I'm very happy. I love my husband more every day, whether he's here or in Missouri. I have a wonderful family, most of whom I love very much. I'm going to be an aunt at the end of the summer. There's a Mr. and Mrs. Mallard Duck who eat corn under my feeder almost every day. In a few weeks, they might bring their babies by. My brother is coming to visit this weekend. I have curtains on my windows. The birds like my yard, and for that matter, so do the bunnies. My neighbors are nice, and they crack jokes at me when I'm in the yard. I have a garden that is growing green things to my great surprise. I have a warm cat on my lap and a dog who will be very excited that it's bedtime in a few minutes. My family is healthy and strong. My life is good, and I am a full person.

Bruce and I, a few days ago:

"When you cook good stuff when I'm gone, you'll have to freeze some so I can eat it when I come home."

"I was just figuring I'd subsist on plain white rice while you're away."

Home Alone

Without the aftershave. That's right, I'm home alone, and will be for the next little while. (Two weeks? Knowing would make it a little easier, that's for sure.)

I'm going to try to stay sane, find things to do, read lots of books, garden and maybe get a new kitten. How's that for keeping busy?

Yesterday Bruce and I had to drive to Green Bay to pick up his Greyhound ticket (yes, he went Greyhound). On the drive back home, I begged him to go to the cheese factory. We came up a little short on it, because I didn't know it was coming up, and we didn't make the turn. I was sad. Bruce said, "You do know I'm coming back, right? I promise I'm coming back."

Of course I cried. How come that guy knows what I'm thinking even when I don't?

Food for Birds

My grandpas on either side were avid birdfeeders. On my Dad's side, Grandpa Roy would sit for hours at the big picture window in the kitchen, cursing the squirrels and formulating new methods for keeping the bigger more aggressive birds from his precious songbirds. He kept feeders for all kinds of birds, from the cardinals and jays to the smaller finches. He had feeders for orioles and hummingbirds, and kept houses around the yard for them to use for their nests.

Grandpa Del kept a smaller station, feeding an equally wide assortment of birds. His phillosophy was a little more live-and-let-live, and he read up on his birds, knowing the nesting habits and calls of most of the varieties in our neck of the woods. He had an encyclopedia in his head, and would gladly share all that information with me, if I cared to listen. I did, even though I was young and my patience was short. Grandpa Del had a stutter. To make himself better-understood, he'd often talk slowly and carefully, but his words held much wisdom. I was older when we lost Grandpa Del, and so my memories of him are more vivid. I wish I had these kinds of memories of Grandpa Roy, but I treasure the ones I do keep, and hold them close to me.

For a few weeks, I've been feeding my neighborhood birds. I love seeing their little habits and I'm amazed at how much I remember from my talks with my grandpas. I've been reading up on them, too. My Dad knows that, and last weekend when we were at Grandma's house, he showed me some homemade feeders Grandpa Roy had built. He told me to take one home, maybe fix it up. He told me Grandpa would be so proud. He choked up a bit.

Part of me fought not to fix up the feeder. I thought that every time I looked at it, I'd be reminded of how it was built by Grandpa, and how special that would make it. I realized, though, that I'd be remembering that however it looked. By cleaning it up and painting it a bit, it would be that much more attractive to the neighborhood. Grandpa would be all the more proud of it.

I'm painting it blue. As I paint, I think about how the brush that stained it red was held by Grandpa Roy. I think about the knawed-on bottom and how rough it is to paint, and think about him cursing the squirrels that did it. It makes me mist up a little bit.

Where Did Robo's Blog Go?

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Thursday Evening

I had a few glasses of beer and spilled my love all over the internet. I don't remember exactly all of the places I commented, but I did it a lot. I hope they appreciate my giant (open-mouth) kisses.

I'm very sure that Bruce won't be using his time in another state to create a second family.

He had to drive to Chicago today to meet someone who's offering him a job. It should be good. I'm crossing my fingers.

Opportunities

My husband is abounding with opportunities today, and it's making me feel pretty good, good for him, for sure. This is definitely the beginning of something spectacular. Spectacularly good, that is. There might be a rental car involved. I'm pretty sure that we might end up dividing our weeks between I and our best friend, Cam. I'm hoping that eases some of the heart-hurt my honey has been feeling since moving. I know it will. I'm happy.

What will I do when he's gone? Perhaps I will Candle-Party - I did surprisingly well with the one I did, I got more than any other candle-party person she's helped. It was pretty damned cool. I got so much freaking stuff. If you ever want any candle party stuff, please, come to me first. It was a huge ego-boost.

Maybe I'll just landscape my yard and cross my fingers that B isn't having a second family on the side, the 1/2 time he's spending in Missouri. I did get a promise out of him, but we all know that sometimes that isn't enough. I love my husband, and I know it's enough, but I feel I need an extra promise, you know? I just want him to be happy. And you know what? Being away 1/2 the time might be good for us, too. After all, we met at away 100% of the time, and were fantastically attracted to each other. We'll probably be ON FIRE when we're seperated. It's how we roll. What am I worried about? Not much, actually. I love Bruce.

Photo Problems

I'm having trouble lately with Blogger. Firstly, they changed their whole code system just as I got really really good at fiddling with it. With that "upgrade", they also changed their template layouts, making it "easier" for people to customize them. For someone like me, who'd dedicated hours and hours of time to customizing my layout based on their old program, it was pull-out-your-hair frustrating. I still haven't gotten things looking just the way I want them to. I know I made a whole post about why I'm being less complicated, and those are a bunch of reasons that are true. But the other reason, the one I didn't mention, is that Blogger up and changed everything from "stuff I can edit in my sleep and will still love" to "stuff that's too complicated for me to tinker with without learning another language". Make sense?

Anyway, I think I've pared things down to what really matters. I'm still having trouble getting a photo to post properly, and hosting it on my test Blogger blog doesn't seem to be working anymore. Flickr won't let me post it here without a direct link back to Flickr, and I want the direct link to send you back to my blog. So that's not an option.

I suppose an easy solution for all of my problems is to find a different blog host, but I'm completely unwilling to pay any dollar amount for a blog. So I'm stuck between a semi-soft rock and a kind of crumbly space. It's not like it's the end of the world or a catch 22 or anything, but it's an annoyance.

PS: Like my new header?

Subversive?

Here's an interesting essay. Via mimi smartypants.

Sometimes I must just look at something, see the title, and think to myself, "My, this will infuriate the husband!" Then I show him. I didn't even read the essay yet. I'm ashamed of myself.

Coincidence

This morning I had a dream that we were babysitting Jessica's oldest boy.  We watched him all day, and then when the time came for him to be picked up, they drove into the yard in a Giant Truck, and I panicked.  What was I going to say to her?  "She's so awesome", and "why the heck did she let me watch her kid in the first place and I hope she's not expecting me to talk about interesting things or, you know, be coherent", and I freaked out a little bit.  Plus, for some reason I was not wearing a bra, and I was extremely self-conscious.  But!  Instead of putting on a bra, I really wanted to talk to her, so I decided to go outside and talk anyway.  

(Side note:  One time when I was just barely "blossoming", I'd say around twelve years old, my brother and I went to see Beauty and the Beast in the movie theater.  We were getting our snacks when I noticed I was feeling weird. Something wasn't right. It took me a few minutes, but right when we were picking out our candy I realized that I wasn't wearing a bra. I was sure that everyone could tell and was thinking to themselves, "What a sloppy little girl, she's probably a slut, she should know better!" and generally gave myself a meltdown about it all. Really, what sort of asshole would think that about a little girl going to see a Disney movie? Really? And what kind of perv is looking at my twelve-year-old nubbins to begin with? That's just sick. But it's been a sort of background terror for me ever since. I'm not exactly built to go braless.)

So, I went outside to talk to Jessica and meet the rest of the family, and right then my mom and dad pull up and Bruce comes outside and they all start talking and I'm too terrified of being boring or someone noticing that I'm not wearing a bra that I don't say anything so as not to draw attention to myself and - how silly is this whole thing? - that's what I do.
Then I woke up.

In a fit of list-checking-off, I go to Google Reader to get through over 50 posts that I haven't read yet. I get to Kerflop and merrily read my way through a few posts and have to blink a few crazy times and do various tests to make sure I'm not dreaming and there you go. She linked to my blog in her sidebar. How crazy is that?

I love you, internet.

Neighborhood Beasts:

• Red-Winged Blackbirds
• Bunny Rabbits
• Squirrels
• Porcupine(s) (Only 1 witnessed so far.)
• Chickadees
• Wild Turkey  (Not the whiskey, the bird.  We've found feathers.)
• Bald Eagles
• Ticks

I'm not too thrilled about that last one.  

Surgery

Tomorrow, I'm going to accompany my parents while my dad has surgery on his rotator cuff. I'm nervous for the usual surgery reasons, but also because a few years ago Dad had a stroke and he's been on Plavix (blood thinner) and baby aspirin (blood thinner) ever since, and he was instructed earlier in the week to stop taking both of those medications. I didn't know that and like a fool, kept asking him to do things for me.

Case in point: Last week, I mentioned to Dad that it'd be a good time to see what's wrong with my car, because something has been wrong with it since before we spent extra to tow it from Missouri to Wisconsin. He took a look, and now we're almost sure it can be narrowed down to one of six things we originally thoiught might be the problem with it.  We'll know for sure when someone else gives it a look. Turns out, I might have very well been right in my first assessment, a year ago: Damn, the car's broken. It might not be worth it to fix it.

After Dad dropped off all of the dirt and the trailer it came on, Bruce unloaded it, despite screaming back-muscles.  How fantastic is my husband?  More fantastic than is easily explainable.  He's inexplicable.  I'm so lucky.

The Possibilities are Endless

I quit my job. I put in my notice two weeks and four days ago, and that makes this my third full day off. It feels awesome. I don't know what I'm planning to do in the future, but the luxury of having a wonderfully supportive and enthusiastic person living with you who believes in you 100% no-matter-what and thinks you're doing the right thing is... well, you can imagine.

In the meantime, the time between now and when I'm starting work again somewhere, I'm going to take care of some things that are on my (endless, ever-growing) list. (The biggest irony about the list is that although I'm constantly worried about where I am on the list, most of the time I can't remember half of the items. I don't think I'm the only one with this problem.) I'm going to plant the seeds that are in my extra bedroom growing in peat. I'm going to clean the house and get in the habit of keeping it that way for longer stretches. I'm going to start walking every day. I'm going to keep up on the laundry, and maybe find a place to put it all when it's clean. I'm going to read. I'm going to continue to learn to cook. Most importantly, I'm going to become more eco-friendly.

I'm starting with the last one. I want to stop using chemicals around the house, and make my detergents and cleaners. This weekend I made my own laundry detergent. I took the recipe I got at Modern Cottage and made both the detergent and the laundry rinse. It was fun, it was cheap, and I'm excited because I found all of the ingredients here in town, in one store. Pick'n Save saved me again. I used a lemon essential oil, which I found at a natural goods/religious store in our town.

I've been using the homemade laundry detergent the last couple of days and I'm amazed. Our clothes smell cleaner than I can ever remember clothes smelling. I'm sure it's a combination of a lack of heavy gross perfumes and the fact that the crap actually rinses out, but knowing the reason isn't making it any less amazing. I love having clean clothes. These clothes are very clean and smell so fresh and nice!

The greatest thing is that when I was buying the ingredients, I over-bought. Now I have three extra batches just waiting to be made, batches that I'm going to give to my family and friends along with the recipe. There's no reason that other people shouldn't be using this stuff when it's so easy and so much better for them. One cousin in particular has two people with really sensitive skin in her family, and I have a feeling this will be a lifesaver. I can't wait to share this with people. (Just to be extra eco-happy, I'm giving this stuff away in old coffee containers.)

So, that's what I'm up to! Not working, but working, in a totally satisfying way. Rest assured, when it stops being satisfying, I'll find some place willing to pay me for my sparkling wit and dazzling good looks. I hope I get some of this other stuff done first, and some relaxation taken care of too.

Keyboard Drama

stupid electrical wires, and other stuff. The quick brown fox jumped over the something creek or some other water source. I'm going to bed. So what if I spilt wine over the fucking keyboard? Everything seems fine! So far.

All of that,

When really, this:



Was probably my favorite song for many years. Up until the New Kids on the Block, that is. And, truth be told, I didn't think they were the greatest, either.

I was a follower. Sue me.

Best Friend

My best friend in grade school was a girl named Marybeth. I have to admit, one of my least attractive qualities growing up was a complete inability to voice my own opinion on things. So when she said that this:



...was her favorite song, I promptly declared it MY favorite song, as well. But when she declared this:



her favorite song, a few months later, I told my first fib. Because although I claimed that to be my favorite song as well, I secretly vowed that the first song would be my most favorite song forever.

Honestly, the hair still does it for me. How can you deny E.C.?

I Want a New Cat

And yet, everyday at about the same time, you can hear me cursing the cat we have. Most likely, I'm saying, "Damn you cat! Insert those claws into yourself in a most sensitive spot!" or, "Why do you love me when I hate you so much?!" but to be honest, I really do love this cat. The only problem is that we fixed him too late and his hormones make him hate me about 1/2 of the month. If I were fixed, maybe I wouldn't hate 1/2 the people I meet as much. But then again, my species uses tools, so I win. My prize is keeping my sexual organs intact. Woo-hoo.

I want a cat who loves to be petted, and not only when he feels he needs it. I want a cat who will show affection without crazy amounts anger afterwards. I want a nice cat.

I bought the new Sims game, "The Sims Life Stories" and I'm finding it amusing. Let me know if you find any tricks or anything. It's bothering me that I can't find a diagonal flower patch that will match my window box. If you hadn't already discovered that I'm getting old, you can think so now with my permission. I'm old and proud! Not only do I want my Sim to have a window box, I want my Sim to have a window box with flowers that fit into the space around it perfectly!

It's very strange to me that I'm the one wishing for another cat and Bruce is the one wanting another puppy, but that's the way things work, I suppose. Huck is undeniably my dog, and Linus favors Bruce. I want a cat of my own and Bruce wants a little dog he can carry around in his purse. It'll be very manly, wait and see.

Lists

Stuff that kept me up last night:

- Where's Bruce?

- Do I want to go to my grade school reunion? If I go, do you think anyone will remember that I stole a (cool mechanical) pencil from the most popular girl in second grade? Or that I got caught because I was the worst criminal ever? Why am I suddenly remembering this after 20 years?

- I wonder if the cookie dough in my freezer is ok. How long does cookie dough stay good when frozen? If I take the sugar cookie dough and the chocolate sugar cookie dough and roll them together, I could make spiral cookies.

(after a few hours of sleep)

- Where's Bruce?

Stuff that didn't keep me up last night:

- Man, I'm so sad I quit my job. I feel so guilty.

(PS: Bruce was sleeping on the couch, because that's where he landed when he fell - asleep.)

White is White!

Last weekend I went through a terrible trauma. After reaquainting myself with my village in Animal Crossing, my GameCube broke. Something is wrong with the lens, and cleaning it only did it good for a few minutes, and then it stopped working again. I was pissed. After all, I was starting to remember all the things I love about Nintendo - their games are the top of my list. Zelda, Mario, Animal Crossing, I love them all! And of course, the console broke on my first day of vacation.

Bruce decided that my meltdown was unpleasant and asked if there were any computer games he could download for me. I picked one out, and it took all weekend of downloading for it to come through. When it finally did (we were back from Milwaukee for two days, and I was officially back to work when it was finished, the bastard), my video card wasn't good enough for it to run on my computer. I gave up and bought an older version of the game, one I'd played on this computer before. It worked just fine all week, but I'm not going to be entertained by Zoo Tycoon for too long.

Today, Bruce convinced me that I should get the new Sims game, The Sims Life Stories. When I installed it and tried to start it up, it informed me that my video card wasn't capable of supporting it. Gaaaaahhhh! I feel like such an old lady saying this, but my card is perfectly good! It works fine! There's nothing wrong with it, and when did this video card thing change, anyway? It didn't even mention anything about the video card requirements on the package! When did this miraculous across-the-board upgrade happen, when did it become the standard? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?!

Long story short, I now have a new video card, and my computer is no longer using the 800x600 resolution, and most importantly of all... drumroll please... white is no longer pink! Life is good.

I cleaned out the fridge today - everything but the freezer, now that I think about it. It looks so shiny and nice, just like the day we got it. I rearranged a few of the shelves too, so everything fits where I want it to now. Like my perpetual box of wine is on the top shelf now, so that I don't have to drag it back and forth across the bottom every time I want a pour. And I got rid of that chunk of melded-on cardboard that has been on the glass shelf since before we moved - it was removable, who knew?

Tomorrow, I'm making a stratta. A sweet stratta. Here's the recipe and I'll let you know how it goes. Tomorrow is also the day of the first baby shower I'm attending for one of my friends. It starts.

Prelude to a Dream

I forgot to tell you guys, and I'm so wreaking havoc with my little brother for it, but we (Bruce and I) went to Milwaukee last weekend and stayed with him, and we had a BLAST. It was like a blast, only with capitol letters. A BLAST. With an exclamation point.

On Thursday, we made the three hour drive down, and commented a lot on the scenery. When we got there, it was only a short amount of time before we got sick and tired of waiting for Robby to shower, and then we were in the mood to eat! Eating is great! Especially if you're in a city where you have more variety than Chinese, Taco Bell, and Luigi's. I love all of those places, but I have to say I'll go for Abu's Jerusalem of the Gold any day. Well, most days.

I ate one of the vegetarian dinners, and Bruce opted for one of the meat dinners. I'm not saying that the meat in other parts of the world isn't as good as the meat we get here, but damn. Bruce was sick for all-night-longly. I had to go out with Robby and his friends all by myself.

We went to a friend's house and talked about the virtues of Amsterdam and the pitfalls as well (when crossing the street, it's best not to be too high to recognise a car). His friend's roommate brought up
Survivorman, and we discussed how awesome and helpful he is. Maybe if you've never lived in a colder climate you don't realize, but one of my main fantasies was getting lost in the wild, only I'd accumulated All The Best Equipment and outwitted nature. Survivorman helps with that fantasy, giving real-life tips. I went out with Robby and his friends that night. It was fun.

Right now I'm not in a position to give you details, because I'm working off a long week. The way I'm working off this week is with a box of white. Wine.