Driving

i can't drive a manual. i know no stick shift. but i can drive in some of the most useful ways you can imagine.

i can drive while putting on deodorant. while reaching in the back to find my socks, and then putting the socks on. while changing pants (on my way to work, you pervs). while putting my hair in a ponytail. while brushing my teeth.

while sitting in the passenger side. i've got mad passenger-seat driving skillz. one time, when i was 17, i was getting a ride home from a friend not familiar with my side of town, and she would have gone straight off the road, but i noticed at the last minute, and swerved for her. when someone's being kind enough to drive me home from the bars, and they drop their cigarette on the floor, i'll hold the wheel and push the gas if necessary while they look for it. or look for it, for them. or pour the half-full bottle of water i find on the spot where i think it might be, thereby extinguishing it.

i can drive with both feet. one on the gas, one on the brakes. i can drive a car without power steering. i can drive a car without power steering, that used to have power steering. i can steer that same car out of a parallel park. i have excellent timing if the blinker goes out. unlike my mom, who's manual blink goes faster the more of a hurry she's in.

i can drive in a car that stalls every single time it slows down. one that stalls when it decelerates in drive, not just when your foot is off of the gas. i can shift it into neutral at the perfect moment to keep going around that curve. i can put it into drive at the exact time that i know i should be hitting the gas again. i can do this for months.