Friday, July 9

Unsolicited Reply

forgive me if this is disjointed, but it's something i was writing in my head on my way to work, so it's a little scattered.

i feel the need to explain something about who i am and the type of person i am. okcupid calls me "more loving than most". this is true. this is part of that thing we talked about on that first night, where i feel things (and i think you know what i mean) in general, deeper than i think the other people i have contact with do, and it makes them uncomfortable with me, unless they understand that it doesn't necessarily mean that my feelings for them are out of proportion to their feelings for me, it's just that i feel things more - especially when it comes to caring for people. i love a shitload of people. i am not in love with a shitload of people. that's usually a one-at-a-time occurance.

forgive me if this next bit is over-explained, but i don't understand why people would feel anything other than what i'm going to explain, so i don't know how much of it i need to explain. i love the human race. i love our motivations, our needs, our desires, our fixations. i love our uniqueness. i love our solidarity. i love people. i try as hard as i can to understand people.. even people i dislike. once i truely understand someone, i can't help but love them. for who they are, for why they do the things they do. if i know someone, how could i not love them?

a perfect example of this is mike. mike is someone who hurt me beyond belief, who i forgave. he's someone who pisses me off all the damn time, beyond belief, and i forgive him. constantly. because i can't blame him for doing the things he does, because i understand the reasons behind him doing them. i love mike. he's my friend. nothing he could ever do will ever make me stop loving him. he doesn't ever disappoint me, because in whatever he does, i can find some of who he is, and that person, i love. so whenever he does something that pisses me off, all i have to do is look inside the motivations behind what he's done, and i find a piece of him. people don't disappoint me.

the real-er you get to me, the more thrilled i get with you. that's how i work. it's odd, because (most of the time) that seems to be the opposite of how the people i have contact with work. it's your imperfections that make you real to me, and that's the you i love.

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