Brian

was my best, before. he was my best, even forsaking my first, and my most frequent, and my longest. even though he was only "mine" for two weeks, before he decided to fuck some internet chick. we broke a bed.. sure it was made of air, but it's still one of my "pride and joy" stories. sorry, to anyone who didn't want to read that, but it's true.

we were good, we had some sort of chemistry that's hard to explain. he was a combination goodguy/drunkard/musician/charismatic that i was drawn to, but didn't let myself have for a time. even so, i still thought about him. it was a crazy time for me. living in minneapolis, falling for a band guy, seeing a different band guy. it was insane. my head hurts, even now. what was i thinking? not terribly much, i guess.

brian is the sort of guy that'll require a reason for being responsible. i'm not that reason, and i didn't get knocked up, by any means (obviously).. but i'm sad to say that he's the first (and only) guy (come on, girls, i'm sure some of you have felt this, at least for fleeting seconds, about ONE guy you dated) with which i had a fleeting thought of, "if only i got pregnant, things would work out." i know, obviously, and even knew at the time, that that wasn't the case. but the thought happened, nonetheless. i was ashamed, and all that, of course, that the thought had actually happened, but when i thought about it, really thought about it, there were good reasons for the feeling. first and foremost, the first sentance in this paragraph. but at the same time, i'm so grateful that i wasn't. it's not what i was meant for, nor him. it's ok, i never ever see him.. last time i did, he gushed about his band, and (when i brought it up) talked a little about his girlfriend. it was good, though, things with him and i will always be good.

there's something to be said for better than good, of course. and that's where i feel like i am, right now. not attempt to trap you into forever good, more there's no need for entrapment good. that's overwhelming.