Condoms

i bought them once.. feels like a long time ago..

when i got to the gas station, it was a little weird. sort of like your first time buying anything that shows the people you're purchasing it from a little too much information. you know how it is.

but i took a deep breath, and got out of the van, anyway. i fiddled with the locky-mechanism, and heard a sound, and then that beep. all was well. no one was stealing my mirror decoration, in the 2 minutes it was going to take me to do my business. sigh of relief.

i walked in, and immediately considered walking right back out again. two people at the counter.. one on the phone, a guy a little younger than myself.. not the checkout guy. the checkout guy is some escapee from the local jail. he's got that stringy hair, the half-mullet.. the half-teeth. just plain creepy. i wouldn't want to buy cotton candy from this guy, if he was a carnie. i'd look for the slightly less creepy carnie. that's how bad it was.

but hey, some things are just necessary.

so i go to the counter, get it taken care of, put them in my pocket.. cause you know, don't really need to stamp "I'm gonna get some action!" across my forehead, not really.

i get in the car, totally on an adrenaline rush.. you know, the stupid kind, the kind you get from doing something that everyone else can do, and you've just proven you can too.. i pull out, and get on the freeway. speed up to 65... ok, closer to 80. this one lady won't let me pass her.. i'm getting pretty pissed off. she pulls right up next to me, and i turn to glare in her general direction, when i notice that she's gesturing...


......................


uh oh, right?

......................


yeah, you're right. so i'm deciphering, i'm trying to decode.. she's doing this "oh, go on!" dismissive gesture, the flappy one, the one that goes up.. only she's doing it facing the bac...

OH SHIT!

so i pull over, and remedy the situation.

seems that when i got out of the car at the gas station, and fiddled with the locky-mechanism keychain, i was right in thinking i really never did understand them. the noise i'd heard was the noise that it makes when the hatch unlocks.

i was driving 80 mph down highway 29.. with my back end hanging open.

i blame it on the condoms.