Tuesday, August 10

there's a little girl inside of me, and i try to protect her all the time. it gets tiring. i coax her to do her best, even though i know she'll get the smallest amount of thanks, and that most of it will have to come from me. i don't mind encouraging her, it's what i do. i'm reassuring by nature. but at the same time, she's a little harder to reassure than most. she knows all my tricks.

she's a lot like that one girl from that vampire movie, actually. she's older and wiser than she looks.

i tell her things to make her do her best, but more importantly (most, i'd argue), i try not to let her get too excited. i try not to let her get worked up - over the good or over the bad. i don't like her to overreact, it's not becoming, and i know that. she can't just throw a temper-tantrum whenever things don't go her exact way, calling every phone number she can get until such time as someone answers, for godssake, and then leave insano messages (bad-insano, not fun-insano) everywhere, whining for a re-call. that's why i don't let her get too excited in the good way, too.

some people find a soft spot in her armor. they see what's there, and what's not there, and they understand, and they really do appreciate her for all her parts. then she lets herself go, even though she knows it's dangerous. that sometimes, not always, but sometimes, leads to her getting disappointed.

she doesn't like getting let down. not because she gets angry, or because she doesn't understand.. quite the opposite. she never really gets disappointed in other people - or very rarely - but she does, all to often, disappoint herself. she understands too well. she can come up with so very many reasons why things don't happen the way she wants them to, and most of them are horrible (at least.. to her they are), but that doesn't mean she doesn't see how it could happen. she even knows enough to hate this about herself. it's her insecurity. in fact, she'll want me to take this down, because it's something vulnerable, and she thinks it's giving away too much. but i don't think i will. she resents me for times like right now.

6 comments:

Cleo said...

Did you crawl inside my head when I wasn't looking? Wow. That's just eerie.

sunny said...

i really want to take this down.

Cleo said...

Up to you, of course. And I know the feeling. But I think it's incredibly honest of you, which isn't easy. And gives those of us who care about you another reason to want to hug you!!

Anonymous said...

I would keep it up.

B

sunny said...

where is comment #4?! Grrr!

Anonymous said...

there it is :)