Faith

It's more about faith, than about trust. Not all the time, because people have earned my trust without deserving it before. Nothing has ever earned my Faith without good reason.

It's very nice to give up control sometimes. When there is someone put in charge (or putting themselves in charge) of what happens, it can be stressful, or make you feel like you could do things better. At least that's how it is for me. Making that effort, relaxing myself and going with the flow, is hard.

Nice, that I can have faith in you, and know that you're doing things the right way. Not have to worry about you saying something wrong, because I believe in you to say them right. I have more faith in the people around me, because of you. It's given me (even more) faith in the world.

And to my friend, having not-such-a-good-night, I say, "Hang in there, friend".

Toronto

It's a wonderful city. Reminded me so much of Paris, and Minneapolis, all at once. I really enjoyed my stay. I'd love to go back someday, and visit the things that I missed out on, like the lakefront, and the things that I opted out of, due to time constraints, like the CN Tower.

[Glass elevators rock, by the way. Awesome. My family went to Manitowoc one Easter weekend, when I was 12. My brother and I spent the entire time we were staying at the hotel going up and down [the elevator] the by the pool.. it was all glass. Got in trouble for it a few times, too.]

Toronto was amazing, the sites, the sounds. We did a lot of things that I've never even thought about doing (and no, I'm not talking about harrassing foreign cab drivers). Everyone was generous beyond belief, and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

Niagra Falls is spectacular. So powerful, all the water and the noises (thank you inhal, you made me appreciate the sound of it).. and the people. There were so many people. I loved that it was raining, that I was completely surrounded by water. It touched something in me. Made me all crazy.. yeah, that's what made me take off my shirt.

The laid-back attitude of the people in Toronto was really something that seemed too good to be true. Everyone was friendly beyond belief, and it refreshed me. It was a far cry from being at work, that's for sure. I can't believe how relaxing the whole experience was for me.

The people I went there to meet, though, it was them that made the experience all that it was. It's funny to meet someone and realize that you really have known them for over a year. It's funnier when they turn out to be exactly what you always knew they were, and best yet when they are so much more than you realized they would be. Thank you Pebbs, for making me dance, and for adopting me. Thank you Isk, for planning and totally contributing to a trip that I'll always remember. Thank you Inhal, for not pretending to be anything you weren't, and being honest - and your real self. Thank you Cow, for being as amazing (and more) than I ever would have hoped. Thank you Race, for bringing me, for letting me sleep over, and for being so much better in person, all around, than I thought you could be. Thanks everyone, for talking to my B, and letting him get to know you. Thanks for the goodbye hugs. Thank you B, for listening to the wild stories, as they happened.

Thank you Me, for everything you've let me do, even though you were scared shitless. Thank you for being yourself, completely, and fuckall to those who won't appreciate you. Thank you for taking off your shirt at the Falls, just because you knew you'd regret it if you didn't.

Thank you guys, for egging me on, and making me. Can't wait for pictures to get developed.

Everyone get Hello, and then email me your screennames, so I can show you my pictures (once they get developed). That's an order.

Canada is good, eh?

Tired now. I'm gonna talk at my honey for a while, and catch up with stories when I've had a chance to think about it.

Niagra Falls, the Canada version, saw a side of Sunny that few have seen. The crouds seemed impressed.

Sunny goes to Toronto

It sounds like a movie title, doesn't it? Well, this is no movie, Sunny is actually on her way to Toronto as we speak. She will be meeting up with friends and having a great time all weekend long (and a good part of Monday as well). When she gets back, we can expect great pictures and interesting stories, although probably not in that order. When you come back here to look for new posts and you don't see any, you will now know why. Rest assured, this is only a temporary thing, and the real posting will resume next week.

You might be wondering why I am posting this here instead of Sunny. Good question. You know how it is when you have to catch a flight and you just don't have time in the morning to sit down and post before you go. I was asked to put a little something up here so everyone knows what is going on.

To Sunny: I hope you have(/had/are having) a great time! I bet everything is just as awesome as you thought it would be. Sorry I couldn't fit in your carry on. I guess I need to work on being a little more flexible. :) Can't wait to hear your stories when you return.


B

Ralph Nader

Despite what some people might think, he's not out to ruin our country. He's got a few different goals, for sure. "Bring the United States of America to Ruin" doesn't fall under that list. On the contrary, I believe he's got a higher purpose in mind.

People claim that he's the anti-Christ, all the time. They claim that by voting for him, you're "throwing your vote away", or "taking votes away from (someone), who might actually have a chance at winning the election". I disagree.

I believe in our system. As much as I hate to admit it, we've got a good thing going here. One of the few things that plagues me, however, is the way that people who choose to vote for someone who is outside of the current system are mistreated.

In a perfect system, your vote would be counted. In a perfect system, the idiots' votes would be cast out. In a perfect system, the person best suited (as determined by the country as a majority) for the job would be voted in, to run our country for the next four years.

We, my friends, do not live in a perfect world. Because we do not, our lives are harder. Our decisions more hard. We do not live in a perfect world, and therefore, we cannot, without undue criticism, simply vote for who we believe in, heart and soul above the competition.

I choose, forevermore, to vote for the person I believe in. I will take my vote to heart. If there is no one in an election that I approve of, I will abstain from voting. It's a pure reflection of the beliefs I hold, and therefore, I do not apologize.

I will vote, this year. I will vote for Ralph Nader. His points, the same as they were four (long) years ago, reflect too closely upon my own heart for me to not vote for him. He is someone who speaks to me.. not only through words, but through his actions. His passion in refusing to withdraw - simply because the simpler-minded of our countrymen have asked him to - is invigorating. He shows a passion for life, and not just political life, that draws me to him.

I care not whom I am "taking votes away from".. mostly because were it not for him, I would not be voting. Cast ye stones where ye may, but I love who I am, and because I believe in this country - enough to believe we can change, and be more perfect - I will vote for someone I believe in.

Highest Compliment Ever:

"and thats why i love you
you're rational enough to understand the irrationality in others"

In the Spirit of Things:

sunnyfreakingday = yahoo

sunnyfreakingday@gmail.com

sunnyfnday = AIM

For the last, be warned. I'm usually only on during my lunch break, and always when I'm talking to my favorite person in the world. So if I'm distracted, you have.. forwarning.

Things to Pack

• birth certificate (both versions)
• drivers liscence
• debit card
• flight confirmation
• swimming suit
• breed sweatshirt (thanks isk, for the recommendation)
• hotel shirt (comfort)
• breed tshirt (pajamas)
• jeans (2 pr) (felt like that guy with the bad song for typing that)
• shoes (look through shoes, only bring 2 pr, for pete's sake!) (that's for me, so i limit myself)
• necklace (2)
• makeup (don't bring EVERYTHING)
• shirt (4)
• skirt (2)

i think that's about it.. if i think of anything, or if anyone else knows what i should take to canada, let me know, ok? OH!:

• CAMERA
• FILM
• UNDERWEAR
• socks (?# pr, as i dont actually like wearing them, and probably won't touch them the whole time i'm there)

duh.

Little Richard

He's a fine young lad. He's Richard's son, and he's looking for a babysitter. Richard told me, today, at the grocery store.

Cute as hell, and I'd personally volunteer, were I available to babysit from 5-10. As I'm not, I volunteered to look for someone from Anytown, USA, to babysit.

Wish I could, but most nights, I leave work at 5:30, and he needs someone before that. Should/Could ask Robby, maybe he knows of someone younger than him, in need of cash.

Looks exactly how I picture Richard, as a boy. It's crazy-cute. :)

Also, talked to him about the finger-slicing incident, and he seems to remember. It was brought up, because we were talking about him slicing boxes - as he was doing when I talked with him. Scary, because I remember looking at him, spouting blood, 7 years ago. Reassuring, because he remembers the look on my face, and told me that that's how he knew he'd actually cut himself.

-but pleased, too, beyond belief. i believe we've got a great state, a great place to live, but it's not always seen as that. happy, because i think that anywhere would probably be just as good, if i were there. happy that i make your ideal place ideal. happier, that Anytown, you could make your ideal. :) i would be happy, too, i think, moving. not as happy, of course, because i need to be close. you've already moved away, and still kept close. that makes me glad - because i know it won't be a struggle, so much. 700 is 700 too many.

-you feel correctly, on all accounts. even the sprint account. (though not as much) i love you. feel like i have for eversolong. i like to tell you stories in that way, i think you appreciate the ending even more. i'll let you in on a secret. if the ending were bad, i'd tell you that first. Shh.. don't spread that around.

-there's a giant fly buzzing around. it's making that grosser-than-gross bug noise that the really slow flies make. ewww..

-i love you, and ive never felt anything like you make me feel it.

Baseball and Sex

Both topics (together) remind me of a story. Not that story, you perv! The other one, the one about a conversation I had with a friend, a few years ago.

We were sitting around our coffee shop (we being the grind-flies, which reminds me of another story, but let's just stick to one-at-a-time, shall we?), and discussing our friend Harry's sex life. Or lack thereof, which is what led to this exchange (paraphrased, it was years ago, people!):

Harry: blah blah blah, not getting any.. blah blah blah.

Someone Not Me Nor Harry: Oh, man, I was beginning to suspect you played for the other team!

Harry: Naw, dude.. I'm not a switch-hitter.

Me: Actually, when you think about it.. He's been sitting on the bench for quite a while.

Well, sheesh. I didn't say it was comedic gold, or anything. Harry thought it was pretty funny.

Morning!

I love the morning. I love waking up, all groggy, and realizing that it's a new day. I used to think I might be a night person, but then it occured to me, a few years back..

The reason I like the night, is because it leads to the morning. Waking up. Starting fresh.

I love it when I'm up all night, and can see the sun begin to peek out. I love the anticipation of it all. I love how you can see it coming, before it actually happens.

This morning? Particularly wonderful. But then again, they all have been, lately.

Liberal?

Thanks, Pops!

"THE BACK JACKET OF THE BOOK SAYS WHAT WE NEED TO DO TO PREVENT ANOTHER 9/11. I AGREE. In war, desparate times call for disparate measures. Make no mistake: I am not advocating rounding up all Arabs or Muslims and tossing them into camps. BUt when we are under attack, racial profiling - or more precisely, threat profiling - is wholly justified. It is unfortunate that well-intentioned Arabs and Muslims might be burened because of terrorist who share their race, nationality, or religion. But any inconvenience, no matter how bothersome or offensive, is preferable to being incinerated at your office desk by a flaming hijacked plane."

Thankful, as always, that I am not a "racial group". Sad, as always, that said "racial grouping" might lead to less freedom. Offended, slightly, that the government that I choose to reside within treats people in a manner that I personally find unacceptable. Disgusted, really, at the people's ability to look past the feelings of others, and allow anyone's freedoms to be abused in the manner this describes. Sick, to know that people that I might know actually believe that this is anything other than complete paranoid bullshit.

Comments?

Coming of Age

It's a funny thing, but not in a ha-ha way, when you come to accept yourself for who you are. I told someone this the other day, and I want to share it with all of you. I had an epiphany today, at work, and I want to share that, as well.

I was never at ease with myself. I always considered myself to be the "other".. that girl who just doesn't fit in. Due to many factors, it became not just the "other", but the bad, as well. Those aren't what I'm here to talk about, not right now.

What I am here to talk about is acceptance. Not about acceptance from others, but acceptance that you give to others. No one, not a soul in this world, should feel the way I did (have for most of my life). No one should feel as though they are alone. No one, I reserve the right to repeat for emphasis, no one is alone. For that reason, no one should feel completely excluded, or ostricized, or abandoned. I work every day, trying to make sure that those around me are at ease. I have for as long as I can recall, and it's a very simple process, there are very simple rules to follow, in order to bring the people around you into a very simple sort of happiness - the happiness of feeling as though they belong. Here are a few tricks of my version of the trade:

• Take a deep breath, and look around you. Realize, as hard as it might be, sometimes, that everyone is a person, and everyone lives within their own mind.
• Understand that the world in which you live, your own mind, no matter how much sense it may make to you, is not their mind. Take a few steps in their (probably ugly beyond understanding and uncomfortable as hell) shoes.
• Take a deep breath, and know that you are not them. Be grateful, because you do not have the problems that they have (and Pete forbid, you ever will).
• Smile. Wink, if necessary. Take the time to let them know that you want them to be happy - few things are better for this than a smile (frown-and-be-genuinely-sad falls under the same category. There are many ways with which to sympathize). Most people respond well to a smile. A wink is just an icing, really.
• Be Patient. Few things are as calming as a person who will listen to your troubles, and be genuinely interested in them.
• Talk slowly. Talk in a tone of voice that seems just a tad bit too slow. If you're soothing, the people will most likely be soothed, and therefore more calm. The faster you talk, the more frantic you seem. The more frantic you seem, the more likely they are to over-react, and get even more stressed out. Sometimes, it's hard to do. Almost always, it pays off. I'm not advising to talk in the tones you would use on a three-year-old, I'm suggesting an extra effort to put a calming tone to your voice.
• Shrug it off. Some people will never ever understand, or appreciate, your extra thoughts. Those people were sent from whatever is unholy, to make your life a living Hell. It happens. The next person you work your magic upon will most likely respond kindly.
• Let the little bits of kindness that people show you go far.
• Tell the people who are kind to you, how much it means. It might seem extranious, at times, but it always sticks with them, in one way or another. They might even apply it to their own daily lives. No matter how fruitless it may seem, it may pass on. The little bit of effort it takes is always worth it.

All of these things might seem like minor things, to some people. Many of them will be things you do without a second thought. If there's anything to add, please comment.

Concert!

OK, so it's just some people i went to school with, but still.. i loved that shit back then, so i'm sure i'll love it now. i should do this more often, i need to see live music more.. it's one of the things in life i find just.. thrilling, inherently, and in the spirit of self-improvement i see floating around blog-dom, i'm putting it on my to-do list. also, visit a strip club.. but that one's a little different, really.

Shameless Product Endorsement:

Disclaimer: Do not click on the first link unless you are entirely aware of the female anatomy and processes and comfortable enough with them to not be disgusted by feminine products. Fair warning.


Here's a little something for the ladies. I personally found it when I was 17, forgot it existed, and rediscovered it. My personal thoughts are that it's too good not to share.

For the rest of you sock monkeys, Here's a little something not quite as intimidating. Enjoy.

The Sarah in front is a very old friend.. back in the day, she thought I was the shit.  

Drink and Cigarette were mom's, she was taking the picture. This is the "fat and ugly" Sarah. Insane? Perhaps.. Ugly? Bullshit. 

Just because I'm selfish. :) 

Happy groom. He had a good time, I could tell. Nice guy, very happy for the two of them. Very Happy.  

The bottom row is Sarah and Phil. 

This one is nice, too. My cousin's husband, and his daughter. One of those girls who had no business looking up to me, but did. Should have appreciated it more. 

This one is nice.. he's a cousin of mine, somewhere down the lines. I really like the flaw, too.. it's nice when it turns out better than it would have been. He gave me a dance, which was sweet. 

Beautiful Bride! She was so happy, and so busy! Trying to catch everyone all at once. She did get a chance to be with the hubby, though, for the dancing later on. That picture didn't turn out, unfortunately. "I was drunk and it was dark out" being the primary reason behind that. 

Jamie's great.. the Girls are wonderful. Love them so much - always have. 

Here's another think to have you thunk about:

What can't you eat, that you used to be able to?

one of mine is avacados, in any form. if i get enthusiastic questions, and responces, i'll maybe tell you why.

Lisa's House

will be amazing. she will make it a palace. she wants everything, and i think she'll get it. she wants riches and security and happiness and love. she will make these things for herself.

i know this because she's got a very good reason behind it all. she grew up in.. lets just say, not the nicest of situations. lots going wrong there, and lots right, too.. but not the money. the money wasn't right. ever. for any of them. it's a sad story, and a happy one, and i'll let her tell you about all of that. but it makes me happy, it helps me to understand.

not only about her, but about other people, too. other people who's situations made them grow into grown-ups that want to have. i know that it's not about greed, or money-grubbing, or materialism, it's about wanting to be secure, and to make sure that the people they love aren't ever as insecure as they were. i love that i have her, that she feels secure in me, as her best friend. and i love that she taught me that, over the years, so that i can share it with you. things are not always what they appear. reasons are almost always more than what they might seem. and i understand at least a part of that part of those people, and that makes me pleased.

The Church of Pete

[I'm going to attempt to explain this as best I can.. I'm sure some of you are curious about this particular thing-I-say, and I'm a people-pleaser.. it all adds up to me telling you why I substitute Pete for Jesus/God/HolyPowerICan'tName. Good luck! If it's fuzzy, feel free to ask for clarification, as always.]

About a year ago, Lisa and myself started saying, "For the love of Pete!" and we started thinking about that. That and, "For Pete's sake!" Pretty much just wondering why it's ok to substitute "Pete", and wondering who "Pete" actually was.

A few weeks of pondering go by. We start to use Pete in exchange for Jesus/God whenever possible. Peter Christ popped out one night, at the bar, and was met with mad enthusiasm from the Lisa. Good shit, that. There are many examples, none of which I can think of, at this moment in time. It's ok, you get the point. We decided we wanted to be a part of this church, the Church of Pete.

One night, we were at the post-bar dining-out experience, and discussing how the "normal" people around us were home in bed, resting up for some of this, and that it was funny.. comparitively speaking. It occured to us, at that moment in time, that Flamingos is our church.

Recently, it turned into something more. Both of our fathers used to live in St. Petersburg, which is cool for many many reasons. Mostly, because they might know each other, and not remember. Very cool. Lisa and I were driving to bingo, last week, when she turned to me and said, "Well, you know what's cool? You know what this means, right? How it's all connected? Of course we belong to the Church of Pete. That's where our roots are!"

Everything is so much better when you think about it. That's something that makes me feel at ease, every single day. It occurs to me briefly, every day, and I wish I could pass that feeling around to the people I love. It's important to understand, and to realize. It's important to know. Something that's equally important, and even harder to understand is this.. the people who make it look effortless to know this, often times forget, themselves. I hope that makes everyone's Sunday a little better.. I want to hug everyone (well, maybe not everyone, lol).. because I can't, I will try and e-hug you like this: Everything is how it is supposed to be. Everything is there for a reason, if not to make you happy instantly, to teach you how to be happy in the future. Or to show you, vicariously, that things aren't as bad as they could be. Be grateful for who you are, and be grateful for the people around you. Know that no one, (no matter how much you think they do), no one hears it enough. Sometimes, it's the ones that you think have no need for that sort of encouragement, are the one's that need it the most.

This turned into some sort of philosophical rant.. and I'm everso pleased. This is my Church of Pete. We're currently accepting new members, so feel free to send in an application. Donations accepted. Application fee: $25.00.

[that place you were at is called that same name as the place my dad and lisa's lived at for a while? why didn't you tell me?! you're totally already a member, B. this is great. although.. the things that churches are useful for (eg: funerals) aren't on the menu at flamin' hos, so we'll have to find a different church for anything useful.]

Which Rock Chick Are You?

141!

holy pete!

still mostly feel like 180, but it's good to know i don't look it.. i guess.

more good, to know that it doesn't matter very much.

i wish i was more at ease than i am.

Comfort Foods

note to self: if you can swing it, always always flirt with the guy at the grocery store. helps, if it's a manager, too.

jesus pete! i walked around there all stupified and hangover-y for 20 minutes, when all i had to do was go to richard and ask him where stuff was. eventually figured it out. v. helpful, having enthusiastic tour-guide at the grocery store. here is a list of what i bought, a good list of my favorite foods, too, i noticed. somehow, i buy the best stuff when i'm hungover. it's really great, because now i have this shit on hand, later. right now, there's no way i can eat all of it - dunno what i was thinking, so random, lol. shopping for one thing, and ending up with a week's worth of food. hangover grocery shopping rocks.

oh yeah, the list of what i got:

• hollandaise sauce packet (2) (knorr brand, the mccormick stuff sorta sucks, knorr is much better)
• country gravy with sausage (shit, forgot to get any biscuits... wonder if it's good on english muffins? i bet it is!)
• hormel chilli (turkey, no beans) (richard told me where to find it)
• jacks pepperoni pizza (2) (because it says in my calorie book that the pepperoni has less than just straight-up cheese, and i figure that if i get the pepperoni, and take off the pepperonis, it'll be even less.. my theory is that when it's only cheese, they load it on, but when there's a topping, they skimp out a little bit, thus the fewer calories.. why pepperoni? well, because it's easiest to pick off, pre-oven, of course!)
• 2 liter diet dr pepper (free with purchase of two pizzas, which is why i got two pizzas)
• canadian bacon (upon recommendation from richard, got the larger package of more genuine-looking canadian bacon, for less money. rock!)
• vermicelli (skinniest spaghetti, because the thicker the noodles, the more they remind me of worms)
• eggs (12, jumbo) (because it's most likely of all sizes of eggs that the jumbo ones have double yolks, and it's nifty-cool to crack an egg, and know that it could have been twin chickens :D)

the hormel chilli goes on the noodles. my dad called it "Chilli Con Carne" when he made it up, when i was 8. still one of my brother and i's favorite comfort foods.

the hollandaise goes on the eggs, goes on the canadian bacon, goes on the english muffins (that i had at home already, and actually remembered - i'm the best!), goes on the plate. mmm, eggs benedict (i'm watching The Prince & Me, and they keep taunting me with them, so i went to the store. now that i'm home, i'm cooking a pizza - muchos easier on hangover head, than preparing eggs benedict).

and the aforementioned gravy will go on the aforementioned english muffins. make-shift muffins and gravy.

what are your favorite comfort foods?

Hangover = Bad

I think the headache comes from trying to remember exactly what happened, and when.. I'm attempting to get rid of it, by simply not worrying about what happened.

ugh, last night was bad. sloppy-wobbly-sunny-bad.

drunken discoveries:

1. not pregnant (sorry, for those of you who can figure out how i discovered this at the bar, but not, because i don't care if you know. happy to know i'm not, though. even if i had to make-shift it all night long).
2. Sarahs hung out all night. well, for the beginning of the night. It's not the same without the H. That's for sure.
3. Sarah and Sarah used to work for the same boss! In appleton (after Sarah's boss quit to work at hooters, Sarah worked with him. he's at the green bay hooters, now). Sarah also used to work with Melanie, whom Sarah worked with at Buffalo Wild Wings. Craziness!
4. Steve is a fuckheadshitpants asshole. Making Sarah feel that bad about herself. Still can't believe she doesn't know how gorgeous she is. But then.. I didn't, either, when people kept telling me I wasn't.
5. Labor Day weekend, made preliminary plans to hang out with Sarah. Friday night. Still hoping I won't be alone, but it's ok if i am.
6. I don't.. despite my trust in the thought.. I don't actually know when to stop. Mom says there's just something in the air, some nights. I think it's more about the free beer, than the air, but I really didn't want to argue with logic that makes me sound that not-guilty.
7. Need to buy light-up heel shoes from Payless! Holy crap, sheila, them's some hot shoes! I was always a little jealous of the little kid light-up shoes. Now they're making them in 8's. Woo-Hoo!
8. Sharon and Phil (it's one L, according to the wedding favor that I managed to swipe last night, unbenownst to.. myself) will be happy. I can't wait to show you guys some pictures.

Anyone else reading this blog think that I'm as terrible at following my own advice as I do? Thought not. Carry on.

Me? I'm off to the couch, to wait for a few calls that might be coming, and to watch some romantic comedies. Don't make fun of me, they're good for hangovers. Easy on the brain.

Because It's Needed:

here are the things that are good:

• that glint, that my new friend talks about. the one i never put in that terminology, but always loved, regardless. the one i look for, that's there. it's a big part of why.
  
• the artist inside. the thing in him that wants to create, that wants to do, that wants to make.
  
• his hugs, and the knowlege that i'm comfortable being me with him, no matter what.
  
• the easy flow, the way i make sense without having to explain everything. the way he lets me explain, anyways. the way he listens, and hears, and knows.
  
• his kindness, and his ability to sympathize.
  
• the easy way he smiles, the way he smiles all the time. the smile in his eyes, even when he's sad.

here are the things that are bad:

• he's too small. he fits well, height-wise, but he's about as small as i am, around. at times, skinnier. i never ever want someone who i could possibly break. also, it doesn't make me feel as inherently safe as it should. his frame is too close to my own. (shallow, i know.. but i'm a little.. ok, a lot.. shallow sometimes.)
  
• he's stubborn about things that drive me nuts. he's set, only in the wrong ways. his ways are not my ways. i can appreciate his ways, as a friend. not as anything more.
  
• he's unrealistic. as his friend, i can support his music, and tell him he'll make it someday.. and still believe it. as anything more, i would be frustrated.
  
• and lastly, and possibly most important, he says things, sometimes, that i know would hurt me, were i closer. anyone who says that.. who tells me that "it'd be so easy, if you just did it", without the soothing part of that person who is my perfect one, is just.. not. not for me, not my perfect one.. it's hard to explain.

there are so many.. infinate ways, in which he's not the guy for me.

[please understand that, while these are the reasons i couldn't be my happiest with him, they're also the things that endear me to him, as his friend. they might be, and are the reasons why i could never ever be completely happy with him, but they're also the things that make me grateful, eternally, that i won't ever have the chance to try.

i'm grateful to never have that chance with him because i know that they are him, and i don't want to change him.. but also because i could never be happy with him, as that person. i always knew there was something more than that, for me. i'm reassured, because i believe i've found it.

he's not my perfect, he's just one of those soulmates that i read about in a post, earlier today. (and if it helps, it's only the last paragraph of the aforementioned post that i want to share with him.)

also understand that while not everyone knew what you were talking about, i did, and this is not an attempt to make you feel bad, this is something i have a note on from August 4th that i should have posted about, earlier.]

Zucchini Cassarole

1# gr. beef
2T butter
1/2 c. chopped onion
4-5 c. zucchini (thinly sliced) [if you've got a cheese grater with a slicer, this works great]
1/2 # processed cheese [product], diced
1 can cr. o f mushroom soup
1/2 c. buttered bread crumbs
salt & pepper to taste

Melt butter in skillet, add gr. beef & onion, season with salt & pepper. Cook until brown. Place 1/2 zucchini in cassarole. Cover with 1/2 meat, 1/2 soup, & 1/2 of the cheese. Repeat layers. Sprinkle bread crumbs on top. Bake in 350* oven. About 1 1/2 hours or until zucchini is tender. Serves 4-6.

[when i was a baby, my parents were pretty poor. my "baby food" was "whatever they were eating, put into the blender". mom claims that this was my favorite, even back then. i have to agree.]

Appreciation

there's a woman, in town, that lisa and i have dubbed "Appreciation".

make no mistake, we were frustrated to extremes with her, at first. i suspect that everyone crossing her path is. she has trouble making sense. she asks you how much everything is, all at once. she gets frustrated, and thinks you're slow, when you don't know everything all at once. she is condecending.. even though you know that you're not the one who might be lacking of a few marbles. she lets you run everything through, and then she says, "Oh, that's too much, that's too much... can you return these pads? (pause).. Yeah, my mother doesn't need them anymore." you take them off the bill, and she commences to request that 90% of the other things be returned, sometimes adding, "I just talked to my mother, she doesn't need these anymore," after the pause. it's unnerving, especially to me, because *her mother* is never actually with her. lisa's seen the "mother", which eased my mind a little bit.

but she's nice. for all her craziness, she's very sweet. she knows, in some way, that she's a pain in the ass. she's concerned that she's taking up too much time (yes, she's always taking up too much time.. not that lisa or i would ever let her know that). she's grateful, in her own way. very grateful. lisa's theory is that she was taught, some time ago, to show appreciation. so that's what she does.

i'm nice to her, because i worry that other people aren't. i see the looks she gets, sometimes, from the customers in line behind her. i won't lie, and say she doesn't get on my nerves, but if it's enough to get on MY nerves, i can only imagine how the other (not so friendly) cashiers treat her in town.

lisa's nice to her, because she's funny, and she knows she'll have a story to tell me, afterwards. she loves her, in a way, even though she's frustrating as all get-out. lisa's in it for the laughs, she knows that at the end of the transaction, she'll be saying, "Appreciation, appreciation." that's enough to make anyone with a sense of humor be more patient.

WeatherBug

or: %&^*#$^%!!!
11
Please enter any comments or feedback about why you are uninstalling WeatherBug or about your overall WeatherBug experience below.

I hate WeatherBug. I hate your evil plan to take over the world. I hate that I have to go through this, all the time. I hate knowing that you're evil, and I furthermore hate knowing that few people will take the time to go through what I go through all the time, in order to get rid of WeatherBug. WeatherBug makes me very displeased. I hope someone takes action against WeatherBug. I Hate WeatherBug.

Condoms

i bought them once.. feels like a long time ago..

when i got to the gas station, it was a little weird. sort of like your first time buying anything that shows the people you're purchasing it from a little too much information. you know how it is.

but i took a deep breath, and got out of the van, anyway. i fiddled with the locky-mechanism, and heard a sound, and then that beep. all was well. no one was stealing my mirror decoration, in the 2 minutes it was going to take me to do my business. sigh of relief.

i walked in, and immediately considered walking right back out again. two people at the counter.. one on the phone, a guy a little younger than myself.. not the checkout guy. the checkout guy is some escapee from the local jail. he's got that stringy hair, the half-mullet.. the half-teeth. just plain creepy. i wouldn't want to buy cotton candy from this guy, if he was a carnie. i'd look for the slightly less creepy carnie. that's how bad it was.

but hey, some things are just necessary.

so i go to the counter, get it taken care of, put them in my pocket.. cause you know, don't really need to stamp "I'm gonna get some action!" across my forehead, not really.

i get in the car, totally on an adrenaline rush.. you know, the stupid kind, the kind you get from doing something that everyone else can do, and you've just proven you can too.. i pull out, and get on the freeway. speed up to 65... ok, closer to 80. this one lady won't let me pass her.. i'm getting pretty pissed off. she pulls right up next to me, and i turn to glare in her general direction, when i notice that she's gesturing...


......................


uh oh, right?

......................


yeah, you're right. so i'm deciphering, i'm trying to decode.. she's doing this "oh, go on!" dismissive gesture, the flappy one, the one that goes up.. only she's doing it facing the bac...

OH SHIT!

so i pull over, and remedy the situation.

seems that when i got out of the car at the gas station, and fiddled with the locky-mechanism keychain, i was right in thinking i really never did understand them. the noise i'd heard was the noise that it makes when the hatch unlocks.

i was driving 80 mph down highway 29.. with my back end hanging open.

i blame it on the condoms.

Conversation:

becky: we should totally go to mexico
s: Yes! i bet the (gestures at pharmacy).. is waaaay less strict.. it'd be heaven.
becky: but then, we'd have to learn spanish..
becky: cervesa, that's all i'll need.
mary: mmm, yes, and siesta
s: oooh, yes. that's all we need. cervesa, and siesta

Hi Sarah

.. this is the other Sarah, the one you met at the bar?

just wondering what you're doing this weekend..

give me a call back, my number is ###-###-####.

when i called back, she couldn't hear me, she's at the county fair. to quote, "Damn, i totally can't hear, there's tractor-pulling going on."

i decided i'd meet her at her work, and we'd go (read: get drunk) from there. she's super nice. it's awesome to meet girls i actually get along with.

another step in my evolution? let's hope so..

To Do Tomorrow:

• sleep as long as i damn-well please.
• rid self of excess hair (plucking eyebrows no longer leisure activity, deemed as of 3 days ago "necessity").
• get keys from work.
• go up north.
• go to chute inn @ aprox. 7:45 pm.
• go to bar, get fucking wasted, buy shots for wedding party, CONGRADULATE people.

Sunny's Top Ten:

10. (because someone told me to, and i'm a sucker for told-you-so's)

9. (because she likes the B)

8. (him write good, and he doesn't include details of potty training gone awry)

7. (because he's so damn lazy about updating.. fucking stoners)

6. (nice, interesting, and she likes Jess.. not updated as much as i'd like to read, but hey..)

5. (great guy.. hi cam!)

4. (i was okjealous, at first, but she's great, and a good person.. we've got a lot in common, actually. love her.)

3. (absolutely love her, there's a sense i have, that things will be instantly awesome,and we'll get along soooo well. time will tell - if i've got anything to say about it :D. would love to see the livejournal, too, if given the chance)

2. (now you're thinking i'm so arrogant/drunk that i re-read my own posts.. not true. i check this one second-to-last, because i love hearing the feedback.. give me comments, or give me.. disappointment?)

1. (no comment necessary)

[dorks like me will appreciate this list. this is the list (in order of importance, and therefore, reverse-order of the timeline in which i view them) of the blogs i read - the ones i read every single day.. sometimes check up upon. all of these people are great, and wonderful writers, and they help me feel more connected with the world. i love hearing what they have to say, and wish they would say more (in a completely selfish way).

i look at blogs the way i look at Lucky Charms.. i read(eat) the best(marshmellows) last. always have been that way, always will be. so keep in mind that the best is last. just so happens that there are 10 of them, so this works out great.]

Thank You

for responding... all of you. i love to hear your thoughts, and read what you have to say. please, don't ever think that your responces are too long, or that they're unwarranted, or unappreciated. i read each and every one of them with a sigh of relief - that someone is reading what piddly things i've thought about during the day, and has something to say about them. they help me, they force me to reconsider sometimes - always a good thing, especially when i'm feeling crappy - or they make me reitterate things, and clarification is always good. sometimes, i get so caught up in being cryptic, that i stop making sense. thanks (marc, especially - you guys should comment to marc, too!), for making me make more sense, when i don't.

so here's a big shout-out to my readers that don't comment, too. know this - i care not if you leave your name. i like to explain things, so if you need me to, please say so! worst comes to worst, i'll ignore it. don't worry, i won't ever say anything bad - it's not in my nature to get all, "Oh god, you stupid mofo, stop reading my blog,".. i love comments, so feel more than free. even if it's just to say hi.. you don't need a reason to tell me that, don't feel like you've got to make a clever comment (for example.. BROWN), or anything. if i were to hear a "Hey, i read this, it's good/crappy/good because it lets me know how much better i am than you"... it's all appreciated. don't be shy! (but if you are, feel free to remain annonymous, lol) it's all good, i'm just begging for attention here. sue me, i'm an attention whore.

Argggh!

or: My Love/Hate Relationship With My Job

every time i left today, even for the tiniest, most insignifigant amount of time, something went wrong. there were problems waiting for me after my first break (10 minutes), my lunch (this one had been since before i left - so approximately 45 minutes), my second break (7 minutes), and my excursion into the store to find our (new and exciting!) filing system (3 minutes, 34 seconds). it's frustrating, because i feel like tomorrow (my day off), things are going to go to hell, complete with transportation (handbasket, of course). i left three notes for the girls, though, and all of them said, "Feel FREE to call", with my number attached. so hopefully, they won't feel too guilty about giving me a ring (or, in becky and hope's cases, too stubborn to admit they need my help). just re-remembered that i locked my keys in there, though, so i know that i'll be showing up to explain some things (oops, i meant 'get my keys') at some point tomorrow. that's a relief.

now, here's the reason it makes me happy. every time i came back from wherever i was during the day, i was met with an, "Oh, thank GOD!" and someone running to me to fix something. i adore being needed, and i still feel like i'm necessary. i love that (at least two of) my girls come to me when they need issues. it shows me that they trust me, and that they want to learn from me, before they learn from someone else. that makes me all warm/fuzzy, because i know i'm doing a good job, and that they feel comfortable learning from me. can't say enough how much i love that feeling :). also, it tells me i'm being a good teacher, because 9 times out of 10, when i re-show them how i fix something, they say, "Ooooh, YEAH! NOW i remember." that tells me that they're intelligent, and they're actually picking things up.. also, they're becoming more sure of themselves.. a great feeling. i feel like i'm training a puppy, at times (keep in mind i ADORE puppies, no matter how frustrating they can be!), but it's times when i see them calmly and assuredly take care of an issue themselves that make me PLEASED. there are times, too, (and this really makes me want to float away to cloud 10.5..) that i've seen one of them teach another. to hear them using the way i taught them, my little tricks, to explain to each other.. it's an amazing feeling. i'm like a proud papa, at work. (yeah, mama might be a little more appropriate, but it doesn't have the same ring, damnit, and this is my blog.)

Patience.

it's hard to find, sometimes.

people i work with get frustrated, when they're reminded of the fact that they're not as sharp/bright as they think they are. it's understandable, but frustrating.

have to keep reminding myself to stay patient.

SOOO hard to do, sometimes..

hang in there, sunny.. at least for the girls you work with..

Smoke

my house is full of it. goddamned popcorn, and my dad, believing the package.

i can't breathe, and my eyes are watering.

stupid microwaves.

Background Noise

what sort do you need? what sort to you under-appreciate, when you really think about it?

when i'm here alone, i have the tv on. it's company, it's a voice. usually animal planet, or discovery channel, or VH1.. just for a noise.

under-appreciated? that's the sound of the screen door in front, slowly closing. i adore that noise. dunno exactly why. any ideas?

the sound of a zipper, the same.. only i know it's because it reminds me of camping, and being in a tent, and it being late at night, and someone coming back from pissing in the woods. weird, i know, but somehow, it makes me happy. any time i make a zipper noise, it makes me pleased. even if it's just on jeans. (might be other reasons for that, though.)

Brian

was my best, before. he was my best, even forsaking my first, and my most frequent, and my longest. even though he was only "mine" for two weeks, before he decided to fuck some internet chick. we broke a bed.. sure it was made of air, but it's still one of my "pride and joy" stories. sorry, to anyone who didn't want to read that, but it's true.

we were good, we had some sort of chemistry that's hard to explain. he was a combination goodguy/drunkard/musician/charismatic that i was drawn to, but didn't let myself have for a time. even so, i still thought about him. it was a crazy time for me. living in minneapolis, falling for a band guy, seeing a different band guy. it was insane. my head hurts, even now. what was i thinking? not terribly much, i guess.

brian is the sort of guy that'll require a reason for being responsible. i'm not that reason, and i didn't get knocked up, by any means (obviously).. but i'm sad to say that he's the first (and only) guy (come on, girls, i'm sure some of you have felt this, at least for fleeting seconds, about ONE guy you dated) with which i had a fleeting thought of, "if only i got pregnant, things would work out." i know, obviously, and even knew at the time, that that wasn't the case. but the thought happened, nonetheless. i was ashamed, and all that, of course, that the thought had actually happened, but when i thought about it, really thought about it, there were good reasons for the feeling. first and foremost, the first sentance in this paragraph. but at the same time, i'm so grateful that i wasn't. it's not what i was meant for, nor him. it's ok, i never ever see him.. last time i did, he gushed about his band, and (when i brought it up) talked a little about his girlfriend. it was good, though, things with him and i will always be good.

there's something to be said for better than good, of course. and that's where i feel like i am, right now. not attempt to trap you into forever good, more there's no need for entrapment good. that's overwhelming.

Cash Cube (and why the name belies itself)

last year, i went to the casino for my birthday. i was nervous as all-get-out, because lisa spent months telling me how great it was, how you could get so much money, all for free. she told me tales of how much money she'd won, and wayne, and her dad (he won $7.. made me feel a little better, lol). it all made me CRAZY nervous. i knew i'd be a laughing-stock.

as it turns out, i did pretty well, comparitively.. and i came out with a good story, as well.

when it came time to go in, i was nervous as hell. my hands were cold, i was shaking.. it didn't help that, once i got inside, lisa turned to wayne and made him watch, too. i gesticulated violently, wanting them not to watch, i knew it'd make me even more nervous. she mistook it for a "get everyone to look at me, and watch me fail miserably" gesture, and started rounding up people she didn't know. i stopped gesticulating.

the air started to whirl, the money started flying. not only was i completely unable to grasp any of it (maybe sweaty palms?), i sure as hell couldn't shove any of it through the little slot they provided. it was humiliating. little did i know.

i came out with nothing.

..........

the lady was shocked. she took a mini-conference with the *other* lady, and then took me aside, to say (at as high a volume whisper as she could muster, it felt like), "Look, we don't normally do this.. well sometimes, i guess. when they get nothing.

....

i thanked her, not really realizing for real what she was about to do.. and she reiterated, louder this time,

"i mean, only for, like.. the REALLY elderly." just for emphasis?

..........

i ended up with $47 that i hadn't had before.. and like i said, a really great story. i hope you all enjoyed my humiliation as much as i do (now that it's over).

Rearing the Mini-Mes

i've always had a sort of aversion to children. any children. it's just something that came from not knowing quite how to handle them, i think. i'm still less-than-perfectly-ok with handling the smallest of them. always an underlying feeling of "Oh god, take him away before i injure him unintentionally!" involved.

a few years ago, i came to be able to tolerate the older kids.. from 2-8, they were fine. they are learning, exploring their world, and because i was older, they looked to me for guidance. i love them at that age(s) best, when they're inquisitive, and curious, and still playful. they're blissfully unaware (for the most part) of what others might think of them, and i love them for it. i want to be more like that.. i think that's what draws me to them. although, that curiosity has it's drawbacks, too.. sometimes, the questions/comments done in such a thought-free manner hurt my feelings.. or made me angry, because they hurt someone else's feelings. or my feelings were hurt for that other person, when they weren't hurt themselves at all.. prime example? one day (when we were camping), my second cousin (about 8 at the time) said to my mom, "Wow, you're really big." i think i've harbored secret resentment twards him ever since, and it's completely unwarranted.. i think. this is why this side of the inquisitive turns my stomach.

kids, when they're over 10, and under 16, still terrify me. they remind me of the times when i had hell in school, and out of it.. just for being myself. they make me cringe, i always think that they're making fun of me, just like i imagined they did when i was that age. it's calming down, though.. i've realized that it's not as bad as it appears. and i've come to notice that the way i am sort of includes me, by default, in their joking. i've let on that i know what they're talking about, and it's been met with great results.. for the most part. i'm less scared than i was, but that ripe (literally, actually.. wasn't this the time that no one knew quite what deoderant was for?) age of 12-15 still makes me a little nervous. i think it might be because they're nervous themselves, though.. that makes me feel a little more at ease.

due to my being terrified of children (mostly), for the better part of my life, i've been terrified to have my own. scared i'd break them, scared they'd be too curious about everything that's wrong with me, scared in general that i wouldn't be able to handle them. times change, however, and i've become a sort of mentor to my second cousins, and that helps me a lot. they look up to me, look at me as though i'm made from some sort of precious medal, sometimes.. and that always makes me happy. i try to set a good example for them, and answer their questions.. also, (in the case of one comment made this last time i saw them.. *cringe*) let them know what is an appropriate question to be asking. gently teach them what they shouldn't be saying that loudly.

due to my being terrified of children (figured i'd start over, after that tangent), i've always thought "NoWay". now, that feeling has changed a little bit. if it happens, it's not an absolute life-wrecker. HUGE step, from the mindset i have had in the past. believe me. it really is. it's not the end of the world, anymore. not if it's someone i can be scared with, being the father. don't freak out, i thought this a few years ago, came to this conclusion. lol.

Weddings

two of them, this weekend, i'm getting really excited. things are looking perfect for some of my friends, and some of my quazi-relatives. i'm really happy for them.

(if i get all sappy, talking about marriage, don't hold it against me, or read to much into it. this is summer, time of weddings, and for once, it's all people i can't see living without each other. it'll be good. this is my disclaimer, so that you all don't think i'm going all insane and implicatory on your asses. ok?)

Sharon and Phil(l?) on friday night. small (tiny!) short (insanely short, not even any songs! :D), and perfect for them.. need to find out who did that for them, it sounds like something i'd love. then, to the drinking! i'm only going for the drinking - most important part, anyways. :)

Tim and Kristin on Saturday, see lots of old friends, and catch up. need to make a few note cards or something, with lists of numbers and such, and bring some along, too. so that i don't lose track of them again. i miss them.

trying to make a picture that's small enough that i can have it as my profile one.. jungle-me is starting to creep me out... 

this was back, in honor of tv. 

one of those pictures that you can't really be sure is actually you, when you see it. 

Cancer

with all the new studies cropping up all the time, about such-and-such everygthing that's the slightest bit fun, or good, or enjoyable causing cancer, it's funny that i had this thought a few weeks ago.

i think it'd be really great, if 5-10 years from now, they decide that they were wrong, on all of it. the report will read, Paranoia: life saver, or death of us all?

it made me smile, at least.

OH!

almost forgot.. on the ride home, another song that played was one that i always thought said, "Groovin'", but lisa informed me it was "Cruisin'". i thought it said groovin', because i further thought that it said "groovin' and makin' love". totally not the lyrics. (yes, bruce, we were listening to the breeze.. hence all the songs that the rest of the world forgot, lmao.) because "cruisin' and makin' love" sounds too dangerous to be put into a song, and it makes me think of crashing, and i didn't think that's what the song was about.

lisa worked with someone named troy, once, and the song played on their radio network. he thought the lyrics said, "Lookin' for a one night stand", and gave a really long explanation of why it didn't seem to make sense, before anyone told him that it's actually, "This is not a one night stand." fucking funny.

god, i'm so vulgar.

didn't know gwenyth (i totally can't spell her name. don't be so "origional", gwenyth. sheesh) could sing.. glad, though, that she didn't try to overstep her boundaries. that makes me angry, sometimes. prime example? J-lo. she totally pisses me off.

sam: one day, he was TOTALLY drunk (go figure, right?), and he broke "The Cell" dvd he'd just purchased in half, because he was so angry with her "my love don't cost a thing" video.. after just seeing it. his rage, although somewhat warranted, and reflected by me, was frightening. i'm not that angry with her. i just don't like her, because i think she's a flighty bitch. (sorry to any J-lo fans.)

Lisalogic:

"I know that when you're drinking, and you spend all your time at the bar, you're literally pissing your money away.. does that mean that by buying food, when i'm not hungry, like i want to do right now.. i'd be shitting my money away?"

I Need a Sign

we were listening in the car, and not to make anyone paranoid, but here's a few helpful hints as read by the dj, re: how to tell if sig other is cheating.

for women: if your man starts talking about "quality time", and he never did in the past.

for men: if your woman starts wearing her wedding ring more than she did in the past, or starts being "unusually attentive".

just thought it was interesting, mainly because i've suspected all along.

and right after that news brief, this song started playing.. the one that starts out, "I need a sign!" beautiful thinking on the dj's part, if he meant it that way.. somehow, i think he did.

reminded me and lisa of that time we were making great songs about farts, and we were brainstorming good songs to rewrite to be about farting, and that song started playing.. also realized tonight that we're probably the only people in the world who really really brainstormed, one night when drunk, and came up with at least 5 songs that would be GREAT, about passing gas.

hillarious.

Bingo High

well, it was a musical, magical night. our lucky day, apparently. i got a lucky (pink) dauber, for free. awesome. also, lisa came home with $249.. $219 profit. spectacular. i won (i actually won!) on moniter-bingo.. impossible, you say? it's not, and i'm living proof. along with the other 4 people who got $9.o0 for their toils. we had to split it :(. but it's all good. when lisa won $200, i said, "Awesome!.. can i have twenty bucks?" and since we have a bingo-understanding, she was very generous, and let me have it. wonderful.

(moniter-bingo is when someone yells bingo, and the number you need to win is up next, and you can see it in the screen.. but also know that you won't be winning. the impossible was made possible, tonight. by someone who can't tell when they have bingo, and shouted it sparatically. there were four (4!) invalid bingo yells, tonight. it made everything very exciting.)

i prematurely daubed the wrong number, spawning this fine musical parody: "Shoulda known better.. than to daub it wrong that waa-aay.."

out of nowhere, lisa started singing a song that i've made the tune of many a thing, in the past.. think i've even put it to the tune of bingo, once before: "Bingo in the mornin', bingo in the evenin', bingo at supper-time..." i love it. put to use in an entirely opposite tone of voice, when lisa realized that the caller was more likely singing it that way. happily, we can sing both of our "works" in that tune, too, in that ugly tone of voice. Good Times. try it grumbly, it's really even more funny, that way. "Kmart in the morning, Kmart in the evening, Kmart at supper-time..". too funny.

we were discussing the caller getting a tip, and how there's no way she should expect one on my nine dollar winnings.. and this was put to fine (new) use: "You got another think comin'.."

sung to the tune of a starbucks commercial song about a man named ray, when we didn't get bingo, and thought we were close: "Damn. Damn-damn-damn. Damn, damn, damn.."

lisa is concerned, she wants to know your thoughts on double-dipping, because if she's ever (theoretically) a guest, in any of your abodes, she wants to know the prefered policy. it's a slightly big issue, because (although we generally comply with our host's policy re:DDing, we also think that deep down, it's a waste of a good thing to eat, if you can't dip as much as you'd like.

there are a few things that people generally yell out, for amusement, when you play bingo. when (1) is called, you almost always hear a (2), from somewhere. EG:

(1) B-4
(2) After!

(1) B-9
(2) Malignant!

and so on. it's amusing, it creates a sense of cohesion in the bingo hall family. lisa totally fucked up, and said, "Malignant! (quietly, to me, lol)" after B-4 was called. much to my amusement, she gave a defensive look to my questioning one. i had to explain why she was wrong, and then she felt all silly. crazy fun.

when she won, she got all excited and flushed, and she shook, and i laughed at her. then, when i won, she got to laugh at me, for the same thing. it was highly amusing.

the ride home was great, too.

so many problems and issues today.. but i think they all got resolved, and we resolved some of the carry-over problems that have been plaguing my brain.

KS called, and was surprised to find out that i remembered exactly what she was talking about, when she mentioned the anniversary card she'd purchased yesterday, and was able to tell her that i'd put it in the prescription bag.. it was good that i remembered, and good that she knows where to look (under the spaghetti, in the garbage in the kitchen), bad because (the spaghetti, obviously) i woke up last night, having a nightmare where i remembered that i'd forgotten to tell her as i was doing it, that the card would be in there. i wanted to avoid this situation altogether, and instead ended up thinking, "i should tell her where it is", and didn't actually take the step to get the words out of my mouth. good, though, because she was impressed that she didn't have to explain very much.

a few other issues that have been being issues were taken care of, too.. some stuff with insurance. PA's plague me, now. luckily, one of them, at least, isn't my fault. it's the Dr, and the Dr's assistant's problem. also, good that i remembered the exact circumstances in which i made it really easy for the Doctor to do what she had to do, and called to check to make sure everything had been recieved, to make the process very simple (held the doc's hand through the process, basically).. assistant said that yes, indeed, it had been recieved, and she'd make sure the doctor took care of it ASAP. today, they're claiming to never have recieved the fax. good that my memory is specific about the events, so that i can be more convincing (while being nice, always being nice) than the assistant (who was also probably a little less nice). it's good when i know that something was handled, and done well. better, sometimes, when i know that the reason it was handled, and done so well is because of myself.

mailed out some prescriptions to a woman, and called her back (risking her yelling, perhaps), only to have her be very nice, and understanding.. again, i think it had to do with my tone of voice, and my over-developed-sense-of-empathy. it's good, when that works in my favor.

lots of brain usage today. bingo tonight, with lisa and justin (justin's a maybe).. it ends around 10-10:30? if we win, there may be celebrations. if we lose, we might need a few self-pity rounds. we'll see. it depends on how broke we feel.

For Tomorrow:

backround noises

The Store program, and why it doesn't freak me out so much, anymore. un-paranoia.

the things i've seen, and why you shouldn't worry so much. [love you cause you do, though]

For Some Things:

there is an element of good surprise, that i've always needed, yearned for.

for some things, there's a needed feeling of "Ohmygod, ihadnoidea" that should never be compromised.. at least for me. perfection has a different standard for everyone, though, and i respect that.

i guess the element of surprise is just something i hold dear-er than some do. i want to be shocked and awed all the time, constantly.

it's what keeps me a'truckin.

that is all, for now.

Wink

my cousin michelle does it. i always thought she did it too much.. then i realized i was jealous, and that it was something i wished i could do, the same way she does it.. without really thinking.

then, all of a sudden, a few months ago.. i realized i do it in the same manner as she does. i wink without second thought.

it's an odd gesture. it's intimate, without much effort. people don't know how to take it, sometimes. they're not sure how to react, when you out-with-a.. especially when you do it without realizing it.. they don't always know that that's the case, and sometimes, they take it too far. i'm glad you don't.

i wink at people i don't know from adam (who is adam?!?). i wink because i have an inside joke with myself, or with you, and because i want you to know i'm aware of the funny thing that's just happened. i wink because i want you to know that i'm aware of things, that i'm aware that things might be taken differently than the context, or to let you know that i'm fully aware of the idiosyncracies that are occurring. i wink to let you know that you're not alone. this goes for everyone. i wink at everyone, to let them know that they're not alone.

some people look at me the way i used to look at michelle. they see me, and my winking eye, and they don't think that i have any right to be using such an intimate gesture on them. and you know what? it doesn't bother me, when they look at me with that look. because i used to have it, and i know where it comes from. maybe, in a few months, they'll realize that they're winking subconsciously, too. maybe even give me the credit for it. that's a happy thought.

Things i need to get/do/buy that will cost money.

i need to put these in a good order of importance, can you all help me out?

• pay my dad for the car that i've got, that i can't use yet, because i haven't paid for it yet. get it registered in my name, work things out so i have more reliable transportation. ~$700
• get a woman doctor. not a female physician. you get it.
• pay all my (loads) of bills, on time, and get things taken care of. hard, so hard to do. harder still, when you're like me, and you tend to put them behind the other stuff on the desk, because it makes you frustrated and want to cry. forgetting is not the most effective way to deal with debt.
• digital camera, want to show you more things, that's most cost-efficient in the long run.
• get my own phone line, and a phone that's speaker-equipped. for my bedroom. like i had when i was 16, i need it again. love it.
• pay the sprint bill ($700 dollars worth of minutes in a month?!?)
• get goose with golden egg capability. thought: maybe money-growing-tree would be more efficient, long-termily. though, harder to hide a tree than a goose. money-growing-houseplant?

For Tomorrow...

babies, and when i decided it might be ok.

more about brian - don't ever be jealous, i love in him what i love in you, too. no need to be jealous.

some people, i've noticed, are not people (regardless of how wonderful they are, and how much you love them) that you could ever be with. it's good, when you realize this swiftly. it's been bad for me (and i'm sure for others of you) when you didn't.

when i was in high school, there was a guy, Casey, who was one of my best friends. i adored him, adored his family, loved spending time with him.. he didn't always take it the way i sent it to him. i know, it was sad. i had/have nothing but love for him, but i can't stand to be his friend anymore. this isn't the way things should be. ever.

life is so much simpler now.. not only am i not stressed about trying to convince casey that i really do love him, just not in that way.. it's truly a shame that it all came at the expense of our entire friendship. were it to happen now, it would be completely different.

for one, i know the true value of a friend. i know the expense, and it doesn't bother me at all. friends are priceless, and i know that now. for two, i am not as insecure as i was in high school, and there is no way i would take being shit on (like i was, for not dating casey.. even though i had a great reason not to), like i was shit on. it makes no sense, and i'm secure enough to say "FUCK YOU" to anyone who should hint at making me feel less-than-good about not being with someone i didn't want to be with. besides, i was my usual self, and i let him down as gently as i could, while remaining firm. it's just how i am, and everyone who is like that will understand, and agree. i hope they do the same for the whole situation.

i respect any/everyone who doesn't go with what's easiest just because.. well, it's easier that way. i hope that all of the people who really know me respect me, as well. i further hope.. i further hope that none of them feel bad, for doing what's right for them, either. i would expect nothing different from those i call friend. i don't say that lightly, and you all know that. goodnight.

life is like.. a bowl of cherries..

have you ever gotten that panic? the kind when you change something on your blog, and all of a sudden can't remember what the thing before that was? i'm stopping that, right now.

from now on, should i decide to change anything, i'm going to make sure i post what it *used* to be, so that i don't ever forget. those things that defined my blog were important - very much so - at the time. i don't want to forget them..

that's my gem of wisdom for the eve. be well, and take good care. also, know that i'd have been an awesome hippy, but i was meant for now, when hippies are few and far between. when i could reach more people. everything is wonderful. i love life. how could you not?

i hope jessica doesn't stress out trying to keep up, on monday. i think i'll like her, very much, and i want her to reply to my posts, because she's fucking awesome, to be frank (WHO IS FRANK?)

last post of the night. sleep well, i love you all.

i hope you all know how very special this is to me.. and that you all can see the light in our eyes as well as we can. 

somehow, in this version, i'm more flushed... 

this.. this is gorgeous. he's not always this pretty, i swear. it was the catnip. 

this one (and the one above, too!) is(are) for amy, mainly. yes, he's heavy, and yes, he's my brother. my big, overly protective, kill-even-my-other-brother-should-i-might-be-threatened brother. i can't express my love for this animal. 

yes, that is a spine.. on his spine. this is his photography. the same goes for mike as goes for deesil, ok? anyone interested, or intrigued, let me know. i want these people to do well, i love them and they deserve it. feel free to ask! 

this is the one he painted while thinking of me, and it's special in so so so sososo many ways. it's perfect. i love it, i'm sorry i forgot to show you the real deal, B. i wanted to. next time, ok? 

my very good friend whom one of you (at least) has met.. is an artist. he lives in south carolina, and this painting of his was featured in a gallery shindig (or will be, soon). anyone serious about seeing more of what he has to offer, let me know, and i'll let him know. i want him to be successful, he's amazing, and he deserves it. go deesil! you're wonderful.  

from the brewer game.. i can't say as i've had the privilege of smoking in a plaza before, or since. good times. 

this was made greater.. because on the shopping trip yesterday, justin kept saying it. he said it on the phone, when i was talking to B.. remember, B? 

they were selling clay. they don't look like it, but they were eversohappy to have me take their picture.. they jumped and posed, they were so sweet. oh, and this is the inside of my junkmobile. i love it. 

isn't it gorgeous? 

from the other side of the table.. 

Ideas:

mine, from my brainstorming this afternoon.

• sprint phone?
• little thingy for home phone i can put in my ear? comfortable one, though.
• phone upstairs
• own line
• red phone like on the presidents desk, with direct connection to missouri.

if you could read the screen, you'd see that there are seven (7!) different languages to choose from.. SEVEN?!